Who has a joke?

1. When I was a cashier, a woman once took a pack of sanitary napkins to pay the bill. After checking out, I was going to say, ""

Please take your time, "but accidentally said," Please enjoy your meal. " ...

2. In high school, a classmate talked about the situation in the Middle East in a chat and suddenly said: Hussein, the monkey kingdom of Jordan. suddenly

laugh ...

3. Anyone who collects duck feathers is called "collecting duck feathers" on the street, and have a chat with acquaintances. Speaking of acquaintances catching a cold, he shouted "catching a cold".

4. The most classic thing is to watch Tao tell an anecdote about his first time as a host. He never said that the opening ceremony was a curtain call ... What impressed me most was that he said that when he was hosting a party, he calmly walked up and said affectionately, "Friends, have you seen the Yellow River? Do you know it is our mother river ~ ~ "After introducing the Yellow River affectionately, he said," Let's listen to the songs of the Yangtze River. "

I remember I went for an outing with my colleagues. Colleagues got married, and then we had a barbecue. My colleague shouted to her husband sadly.

Dear, you peel this onion ~ ~ ~ I don't know if I'm too excited or something ... It turns out: Lao Cong ~ ~ you do it.

Peel the man ~ ~ ~

6. I remember that in junior high school, there was a class about the Great Northern Wilderness. The teacher asked us to read the text, and one sentence was "Great!"

Children scoop fish and pheasants fly into electric cookers. "When I was reading the text at the same table, I accidentally made a slip of the tongue and read it as' roe deer catches fish, pheasant flies to bed'. I was almost dizzy with laughter. Before she realized it, she seriously asked me what was going on.

7. I remember once telling my colleagues in the office that someone was like a farmer, rustic, silly and cute. Everyone said.

Yes, yes, just like a farmer, suddenly the phone rang, and the colleague who answered the phone actually said, hello, farmer! ~

8. I have a shy male classmate who goes to the canteen for breakfast. The man in the window asked him, what do you want? He said with his head down

I want ... I want ... a steamed stuffed bun. The guy stared at him for a long time and said, what do you want? Say it again? I want a steamed stuffed bun and a steamed stuffed bun ... Oh no! A bun and a loaf of bread! Dude, faint!

9. One day, I watched Muslim Funeral in my dormitory. The classmate asked, "What books are you so obsessed with?" Said the robbed in the past, read aloud a way:

"Stalin's funeral", I immediately laughed. Before I finished laughing, he said, "Hehe, the author is Radar (Huo Da)."

At that time, we were just studying radar collision avoidance class, and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt.

10, I am most afraid of my uncle. I saw him on the album one day. I was so scared that I blurted out: "Collection! You also come to catch up.

Uncle? "

1 1. When I was young, my sister and I played at home. She pretended to be a chivalrous woman, pricked up her ears and listened to what was going on outside, and then said to me warily, "Hello? No, big head! "

12 once in a Chinese class, the teacher asked a PLMM in the class to get up and read the first paragraph of the text. MM got up and didn't even think about it: President Zhang of Xinhua News Agency reported on the front line of Jiang. (Note: Xinhua News Agency reported on the Yangtze River)

Ben burst out laughing. ...

13, when I was six, my sister was four. Once I passed by the door of the hotel and saw a donkey walking in the street. There are no farmers beside me. I think I'm lost. I immediately turned to my parents excitedly and said, look, look, the donkey is walking alone. Hehe ...

14, my junior high school classmate slipped in history class, and the teacher asked him to read the text. He hurriedly picked up the book and read: "French Fleet Division, Hu Ling La ……" The whole class laughed.

15, when I was in the third year of military training, I just came back from taking a shower in the dormitory 1 MM ~ I pointed to my head and said proudly, "Look, are my pants cold?" Everyone is dizzy.

16, I can't remember which stage of history I studied in primary school. There are matriarchal clans and paternal clans, but the teacher picked me up and asked questions. When I was excited, I replied: matriarchal clan, male clan. The teacher was the first to laugh and the whole class burst into laughter.

17, once described a person, I want to say: "that fellow's brain is really fat!" The result said, "that fellow is full of fat intestines!" " The listener was stunned, then burst into laughter and concluded: "His head is full of fat intestines!

18, when I was a child, I wrote: Our lives were bought by the blood of my uncle in the People's Liberation Army. As a result, when I got up and recited it, I read, "Our lives were bought by the uncle of the People's Liberation Army with fresh fish. ...

19, once my sister introduced me to a piece of music. She said it was called "girls' underwear". I'm surprised. I took the CD and looked at it. This is a "girl's prayer" ...

20. A student read "Wang Erxiao led the enemy into the ambush of the Eighth Route Army" as "Wang Erxiao led the Eighth Route Army into the ambush of the enemy". ...

2 1. One day, watching TV in a bar with her classmates, she saw a very funny picture. She may want to say it's funny, but she said loudly, haha, it's really funny (testicles? )!

22. On another occasion, I solemnly preached to a classmate: "I tell you, there is no such thing as a free lunch!"

Seeing that he was about to laugh, he quickly changed his mouth: "Oh, there is no such thing as a free lunch!" "Each other laugh wildly, from now on it is easy to unreasonable to others.

23. My mother has cervical spondylosis and puts medicine on her neck every day. One day I asked her, "Did you kill yourself with drugs?" My mother stared at me doubtfully and said, "I'm not going to commit suicide yet!" " "

24. I was born with a corner missing from one ear. I asked my mother what was going on. My mother joked, "Your father bit it!

"My father was eating cake in the restaurant. He said," I didn't bite, I ate it with tears in my eyes! ! "Great cold! !

I remember when I was at school, there was a sports meeting. There are no girls enrolled in our class. Our sports committee members (boys) are in a hurry. They announced in the class with the registration form: Tell you, girls will "register" (compulsory registration) if they don't register. The girl is angry.

26. Once my mother's classmate came to my house for dinner, and after eating a bowl, my mother wanted to add another bowl to her. She said, don't give it to me, I'm not enough. ...

27. Once, when I called my classmate, the other person picked up the phone and rang. I suddenly forgot who I was calling. Well, I froze for a long time and said, who are you?

28. Once a classmate and I borrowed money to go home by bus. We should say "I borrowed money to go home by bus", but we said "I borrowed the bus to go home and get money". ...

29. Once I went to dinner with my friends, half of them said, "Miss, pack sanitary napkins!" "Miss said humorously," do you want to wear wings? "Faint on the spot!

30. One of my high school classmates called me and dialed the wrong number to the boys' dormitory. A man over there said, hey, who are you looking for? My classmate was stunned and asked: Excuse me, is this a girl's dormitory?

3 1, once, my classmate asked me which department my other classmate was in the hospital. I don't remember clearly. It feels like internal medicine and acupuncture. As a result, I said she was: guilty.

32. A boy saw his uncle: "Buy him two dishes!" Uncle: "The child loves to brag so much that he dare not tell anyone!"!

"

33. When I was at school, the Communist Youth League secretary was particularly dumb. When I joined the league, it was just me and another girl (the horrible kind). When our Communist Youth League Secretary presided over the meeting, he said without hesitation: Today is a big day for two students, and so are the rest of the students.

After laughing for a semester, this guy presided over another student's joining ceremony and said, welcome XXX students to join our mysterious organization. ...

34. There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich). As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice falls, our language

The teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted, you are talking nonsense.

I am not stupid!

36. A friend of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat?

I eat and pull. My buddy quickly said: 1 bowl, you can pull 1 bowl. It is said that everyone in the restaurant laughed at that time ~ ~

Before the open class, the primary school teacher "soothed" our nervous mood and said, "Don't be nervous. Don't look around in class. Not everyone is sitting under the stage. They all have two noses and one eye! "

In English class, the teacher: "Good morning, teacher" Student: "Good morning, student" The whole class fell down. ^_^

40. When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were usually sold on bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )

4 1, one of my classmates called another friend and the other's grandfather answered the phone. This classmate doesn't know what he is thinking. He just said, "Grandpa, I'm grandma ..." Suddenly he felt something was wrong and hung up with a bang. ...

42. I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it is said that the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she also read aloud emotionally: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on the mountain. . .

The whole class was stunned.

43. Colleagues at work read the newspaper and said that Liu Xiaoqing gave birth to a child named Yun Yun without getting married. We hurried to look for the newspaper, but it was gone. She came over and showed us. At first glance, it is "Liu Xiaoqing once said very modern remarks, such as being single all his life, but he can have children without getting married."

44. A pupil was particularly nervous when he participated in the school recitation competition for the first time. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn. Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves are red) ..."

45. As a primary school student, I am particularly envious of my classmates who have been assigned by the teacher to read their compositions. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come. "So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!" Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I am more like your mother ... "

46. This time I am an unskilled host of a song and dance troupe. At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready. The performance takes turns. It was her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, please listen to Du Zi flute ..."

47. My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home for the Spring Festival. She said to my mother with joy, "Hey! Mom, this is a rough onion ... "My mother and I both laughed.

48. There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day. I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "Grandma, Big Class …" Bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

49. classmate anonymous looked at himself one day and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair good?" It's scary,

And he said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce."

50. When I was a primary school student, I made up my mind at the general meeting of the whole school: "We should learn from the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army to climb snow-capped mountains and grasslands." Since then, I have been deprived of the right to political speech for life!

5 1. When I was a child, my father told me that there was a text written by Liu Hulan in the Chinese book. When Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese that she was.

When * * * came to save the life of the whole village, an old man stepped forward to save her. The line is: "Alley, are you crazy?" ! "yes.

It was in the era of * * *, a poor rural child read aloud: "Little madman, do you smell good?"

52. In high school, the teacher asked me to read the text at the same table. This girl has always been famous for her vivid reading, and she also read the textbook in cadence that day. ..... he held the sentry tightly in the snowstorm, holding a steel gun tightly in his hand ... (original) What we heard was that ... he held the sentry tightly in the snowstorm, holding a pen tightly in his hand ... There was silence in the class, the teacher fell down with laughter, and then the classmates fell down. ....

53. All stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...

I take my son to feed the ducks. He ran after the duck while scattering bread crumbs, and I ran after him with his apple (he didn't like it, so I had to take a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him, "Come and eat an apple and chase the duck!" " After repeating this sentence, I finally shouted, "Come and have a bite of the duck." ..... "Then skillfully stopped the car.

55. At school, my buddy took a basin to the bathhouse. On the way, I met a MM who just came back from washing. I want to say hello, but I don't know what to say. Suddenly, I said, "Are there many people in the bathhouse?" MM: "Not much." After a puzzled look at him, he said, "What do you care if there are many people in the women's bathhouse?"

56. A certain gentleman was late for dinner. After sitting down in a hurry, I saw the roast suckling pig in front of me, so I was happy to say; "Not bad, I sat next to the suckling pig." When the words came out, I found a fat lady glaring at each other. He hurriedly said with a smiling face. "I'm sorry, I mean the one that's done well."

57. An old man lived at an old friend's house because his daughter-in-law was in labor. The friend asked why? Answer: don't mention it! My daughter-in-law squeezed me when she gave birth.

It came out.

58. One of my classmates is outspoken in an emergency. One day when he was washing in the water room, someone spilled water on the ground, which made him jump several feet: "Be careful! Don't get my water wet! "

59. Seeing water on the table, the classmate said calmly, "Hey? Why is the water here so wet? "

60. The political teacher, who is old and not sober, makes people sleepy in class. One day, the outline was listed on the blackboard, and there was a question about students coming to the stage. With a wave of his hand, he said, "Wait a minute, I'll tell you when my outline (anal fissure) is written." First everyone was stunned, and then everyone fainted.

6 1. Inside and outside the dormitory, someone broke in and provoked us. Our party shouted, "Shut the door and let the dogs go!" Suddenly, I saw a brother binge drinking and pouncing on him ... another time, it was even more ingenious: a gentleman finished washing before going to bed at night, took a washbasin towel and went to the front of the dormitory and shouted, "Open the door and let the dog go!" " Swaggering out, the whole dormitory was silent.

62. Every morning in the dormitory, the life teacher knocks on the door to wake up, and people are often sleepy and disobedient. Playing cards all night in the dormitory can't afford to stay in bed. The life teacher was very angry and reported to the director: "A dormitory was called to get up at some time in the morning, but the dormitory ignored the teacher and stayed in bed collectively ..."

63. All the teachers have taught us that we must not leave blank on the test paper, and we must fill in one if we don't understand it, but the chemistry teacher opposes it. One day in class, he complained to us: "... this is simply irresponsible!" If you don't understand, you'd rather open the book and sneak a look at it than fill it in! " Everyone fell down. ...

I have a heavy hair all my life, and everyone laughs at it. Weighed during the physical examination, it was 140 kg, and everyone became suspicious. It said, "This is the gross weight.

, not counting, it must be scraped and weighed net ... "

65. In order to brag about his big appetite, a classmate preached in the classroom: "I ate not only six or two meals at noon today, but also six or two meals."

66, junior high school Chinese teacher, female, is extremely pungent and outspoken. When I was awarded the sentence "The Story of the Nuclear Ship", I snickered in class. The teacher suddenly said, "What are you laughing at? Never seen it, have you? Go back and see filial piety! "

67. Geography teachers are famous for their big breasts and fat hips. I am good at asking questions in class, and I like to ask handsome male monitor best. Once the male monitor was absent-minded and couldn't answer. The teacher got angry and patted his chest with his hand: "Look at me here!" " "

68. Once, my girlfriend took a lunch break in the classroom at noon and fell asleep in a daze. In class, their teacher said, hello, classmates. Hearing this, she was extremely awake and shouted "Serve the people". The teacher fainted on the spot. Everyone fell down. ...

69. Just now, a MM asked me why the game that another MM could play crashed on her machine. Answer, maybe the graphics card driver is not good. MM then asked for help downloading the latest version and installing it. I asked, what are my benefits? MM said, "I'll let you play for a while at most!" " "After 0.0 1 s, there is no one on the table and chair, except MM…… ... ...

70. There is a girl named Jiao in the high school class. One day, she made a bet with her. What bet did you forget? She asked, "What if I lose?" Answer: "I lost. My surname is Jiao with you. " Loud voice, the whole class burst into laughter 10 minutes.

7 1, one day, school cleaning. A PLMM cleans the window, because the window is higher, so I stand on the table. But the glass below can't be wiped off. When I passed by, MM shouted "Wipe under me!" I was shocked and asked, "Where?" MM said, "I'm down here, please help me clean up!" " "The whole class burst into laughter

72. There is a PLMM in my department, and I will take her to do an experiment. I forgot to surf the Internet this afternoon. After work, MM called me. I pressed speakerphone, and she said loudly over there, "Are you going to do it or not?" I was at a loss and asked, "What are you doing?" MM loudly said, "just do it, hurry up! People are in a hurry! " Suddenly, we were all quiet, and then we all laughed wildly.

73. University metalworking internship, the tutor said that boys and girls should cooperate, xx and xx slept in the same bed, and everyone fainted. When I was doing my homework, the two girls on the bed next to me were really funny. Because the boys didn't fix the parts properly, the girls said loudly and unhappily, please put that jar away, I can't fit it here!

74. I even took off my coat at work, saying that I was cold once and didn't take it off. Next to a mm said, put on your clothes, I don't even know you. Sweating.

Even in high school, the study committee member was MM. During the ten-minute break, she said to everyone, "The head teacher asked me to charge for all the review materials. Everyone will come to me, once 120 yuan. Well, come on. " Everyone is cold.

76. I remember that when I was a freshman in chemistry experiment, my roommate didn't bring the experiment report at first. Finally, I forgot to hand it in late and asked the teacher why I didn't get it. The teacher said, "What do you think?" He even said, "Oh, yes, I just handed it in." Everyone began to laugh wildly.

77. I bickered with a baby-faced girl. My little daughter always talks to me. In a rage, I blurted out, "Who are you? You are my granddaughter! " My little girl drummed her cheeks for a long time and said, "I am your granddaughter's grandmother!" " "The students around paused, and then laughed. Later, this mm became popular when she saw me.

78. Once several buddies came to my rented house to watch the World Cup, and I was lying on a mat. At this time, MM came in and took a mat and said to me, "I want that thing below you!" " All the brothers have fallen ~ ~ ~

79, pour coke, mm hands shake, pour the coke out of the cup. Gg asked, "Why does it flow everywhere?" Mm said helplessly, "But I have caught it!"

80. In junior high school, a math teacher talked about equation transformation. On the podium, he rolled up his sleeves and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change! ……

8 1, a classmate was making trouble below, and our teacher said, "stand on the blackboard for me!" " ! "It's hard.

82. A boy asked: Teacher, there is no pencil for drawing. Do you want to borrow one or use a pen? Teacher (elderly woman) A: Go ahead and relieve yourself.

83. High school algebra teacher: "Don't make any noise."

84. A chemistry teacher and dean of a senior high school made a mistake on purpose when doing the problem, and then asked a classmate to find out the mistake. This classmate is very difficult.

After the difficult answer, the teacher praised it and said seriously, "Good, you saw the teacher's broken." They are all trees.

However, after class, the teacher just went out and the whole class burst into laughter.

When we were in junior high school, it was stipulated that we should wear school uniforms when raising the national flag. As a result, there are always some people who don't wear school uniforms or just wear pants or clothes. Then every time before the flag was raised, the headmaster took a megaphone and said, "Some students don't wear clothes, some students don't wear pants, and some simply don't wear clothes or pants."

86. physical education class, teacher: The male classmate stood on my left, the female classmate stood on my right, and everyone else stood still, so he didn't move.

87. Algebra teacher: Line A is half of line B, so what is line B? The whole class is quiet, waiting for high opinions, half.

Line segment b is two halves of line segment a. ...

88. Once, I visited a colleague's house and rang the doorbell in front of the building. A childish voice (probably the son of a colleague) sounded: "Hello?" I asked, "Is Wang Hua (the name of my colleague) there?" A: "He is out." I asked again, "Who are you?" A: "Oh, he is my son." I laughed my head off at once.

89. When I reported to school, I was met by a member of the Youth League Committee of the school, a senior in Jiangsu and a small and exquisite JJ. Seeing a classmate from Shandong grow very tall, I couldn't help praising: "Wow, you look so long."

90. I once praised a girl for her beauty. Her eyes are big and her eyelids are double eyelids. When I was excited, I said, She is so beautiful and her eyes are so big!

!