Seek 100 jokes, seeking new ones. Don't come if it's out of date for a long time ~ ~ ~

1. When I have money, I will buy a bus, take the bus lane and stop at the bus stop. When someone wants to get on the bus, I will say, sorry, this is a private car.

2. Guest, are you staying in a hotel or a hotel?

I shit.

I was very young. What about you? Are you old?

A gentleman is just a patient wolf.

5. It is not necessarily a good thing for everyone to stand on one side, such as standing on the side of the ship.

6. relax, I'm not a good person ...

7. You said ... you like me? Actually ... first of all ... actually, I also ... well, to be honest, I actually like myself.

As a typical loser, you are really successful.

9. I just learned to ride a bike when I was a child. Before I knew it, I ran into the street. When I saw an old man walking in front of me, I felt I was going to hit it. I said, don't move, don't move. The old man stood there for a while without moving, so I turned around and hit him. The old man stood up and said, did you aim?

10, if there is 300W, do you want to buy Mercedes or Ferrari?

It's best to buy 300 second-hand Otto cars and hire 300 drivers to drive behind you, one in an S shape and the other in a B shape.

1 1, smile more, and beware of catching a cold on cloudy days!

12, I laughed at the sky from the horizontal knife and went to bed after laughing!

13, Lu Yao knows that the horsepower is insufficient, and people will watch for a long time.

14, my father expressed his views on my obesity: Han Hong's life was not lost, but Han Hong's disease was also found.

15, I never hold a grudge, but I usually report it on the spot.

16, don't cry at my grave. Dirty my path of reincarnation.

17, that's right, Mr. Zhang. You can't press CTRL+C on your home computer and then CTRL+V on your company computer. Not even the same article. No, no, it's not even an expensive computer.

18, I thought you were just a number between 1 and 3, but I didn't expect you to be a combination of 1 and 3.

20. A cannibal went to work, and the manager repeatedly told him not to eat his colleagues and agreed. I couldn't help eating a detergent in a few days.

People were discovered immediately. The sentiment is: never eat people who really do things.

2 1. Now you scold me because you don't know me yet. When you get to know me later, you will definitely hit me.

22. People never know who inadvertently said goodbye to you and then really disappeared.

23. The road to success is always under construction.

24, I don't go to hell, who loves who.

25. Guess an English sentence: "ababbaaaaaaaaaabbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

26, think of your eyebrows, think of ambiguity. I suddenly feel that most of my thoughts are like this, and they are getting weaker and weaker (I vaguely remember that this is the lyrics of Faye Wong's "I don't want this either", don't you know? )

27. Years later, I lamented those two teenagers: one was amazing and the other was gentle.

28. If she (he) says to you, "Forget me." You tell each other, "I never remember."

29. You are very kind to us. I will always remember that I will never let you go if I am a ghost.

Dear female colleagues, please don't be angry with me. My wife has a caller ID.

3 1, smile, wave, goodbye, over.

I remember I decided to be an interesting person.

33. Think about the salary ratio, forget it, and don't want to live.

34. Well, give me an affordable grave.

35. I have lived for more than 20 years and have done nothing for the motherland and the people. Every time I think about it, my heart aches.

36. Do all the bad things you can while you are young. It's only been a few years

37. Earn money to sell cabbage and white powder.

38. A seven-year-old boy is the most terrible creature on earth. They are curious, active, destructive and have the law on the protection of minors.

39. A man keeps his word-I won't pay back the money if I say no!

40. Laozi said: Sleep can sleep, very sleep.

4 1. Although I believe in vows of eternal love, I may not believe you.

42. God said: Don't forget to take an umbrella when you go out. I will water the flowers later.

43. Special people never say they are special, such as me.

44. My answer was good, but Tai said he couldn't come.

45. I know all banquets must come to an end, but at least I want to eat well at the banquet!

46. I will take my sunshine road and you will cross your Naihe Bridge.

47. The world belongs to us and our children, but ultimately to our children and grandchildren!

48. Whenever I encounter difficulties, I will read Tibetan scriptures: "Oh, moo, coax", which translates into English: all the money goes to my house!

49, the simplest secret of longevity-keep breathing, don't die.

50. Confucius said: Sleepless at noon, collapse at noon. Mencius said: Confucius is right!

5 1, kindness means that bia ji doesn't eat meat when others are hungry.

52, the long road of life, there will always be a few wrong steps.

53. I never bully the weak ~ ~ ~ I didn't know he was weaker than me before I bullied him ... agree with 0| comment.

54. There is a little wolf. Oh, when he was born, he didn't eat meat. He was a vegetarian. His parents are very worried. As a result, my parents were very pleased to see the little wolf chasing the rabbit one day. Then the little wolf grabbed the rabbit and said, give me the carrot! ……

56. Divers have a high degree of difficulty. He rolled over for a week, then somersaulted for a week and a half, and then somersaulted for a month.

57. A man is climbing a rock. When he was about to climb to the top of the mountain, a wolf tried to burn the rope with a burning candle. The man said a word and the wolf blew out the candle. The man said, Happy England!

58. Once upon a time, there was a village by the sea. The villagers make a living by fishing. . .

So many years have passed ~ ~ ~

Suddenly one day, a strange fish came to the sea. The villagers who specialize in fishing at sea have already eaten several people. . . This strange fish has six eyes and can fly, so the villagers call it "six-eyed flying fish"

Seeing the six-eyed flying fish killing people unscrupulously, and no one can cure them, the villagers are very worried. What should we do at this rate ~ ~ ~

At this moment, a young man came to the village. His name is very special. Love says he can kill the six-eyed flying fish. . .

The villagers are very disdainful. . But the next day, love really came back with the body of the strange fish. . .

The villagers were shocked and asked Ai, "How did you do it?"

Love said, "Love really needs courage to face the flying fish with six eyes."

59. Once upon a time, there was a hide-and-seek club whose president had not been found …

60. A rabbit was fishing in the pond, but it didn't catch it for a long time. .....

The next day, the little rabbit went fishing in the pond again, but he still didn't catch a fish all day. ......

On the third day, the little rabbit insisted on fishing in the pond, but still found nothing. .......

The fourth day, the rabbit went fishing in the pond. A fish jumped out of the water and growled at the rabbit, "If you use carrots as bait again, I will kill you!" " "

6 1 ... after half a day's homework, I turned on the radio conveniently, and a gentle voice came out: "... if the skin color pays off and the fluff on my face is tender and soft, it means it is healthy ..."

When I heard this, I couldn't help touching my face, looking in the mirror and smiling again. It looked healthy and lovely.

At this moment, I heard the announcer say, "All right, listeners, this time our lecture on pig raising is here ..."

6 1. In a primary school, two students are quarreling. A said, "You ... if you scream again, I'll call someone!" "

B said, "You ... you fight! I don't believe this ... "

Then A really went to make a phone call, and when he came back, he put a malicious sentence: "You will know how to die in 30 minutes!" "

B was too nervous at this time, but there was nothing he could do. After 30 minutes, the school broadcast: "A classmate of B, you have a visitor, please go to the academic affairs office." Although I'm scared, I think I'm in the academic affairs office and I should be fine. So he went to the academic affairs office, and a blond boy came up and said, "Are you B?"

B: "I'm ..."

"Sorry for waiting, this is 10 Hawaiian pizza with chicken, 5300 yuan."

62. A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in a mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans: You have a good physique and you are in charge of coolies.

Say to the French: You said you were an engineer and you were in charge of the mining plan.

He said to the Japanese: You are very thin. You are in charge of supply.

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted, "Surprise!" "(surprise)

63. Rene Liu's courtship to Jay Chou was rejected, and Rene Liu asked Jay Chou why. Jay Chou said, milk tea, I like music and beautiful women.

64.- Hello, please call a taxi. I am at the intersection of XX, wearing a short black skirt. ...

-Okay, where to?

-Uh ... to the knee. ...

65. A butterfly has a broken wing, but it is still flying. Why?

Because it is strong-willed

66. A man was in the hospital with an infusion. When you lose, you start laughing.

Others asked him what he was laughing at.

He said, "I smiled a little." . . "

67. A little girl called the radio station and ordered a song for her mother.

Moderator: Why do you want to order songs for mom and dad?

Little girl: Mom works hard every day and can't have a good rest on Sundays. She needs to find me various exercise books.

The host was very moved and said that she was very sensible and a good boy of her mother.

So I asked what song I wanted.

Little girl: Why do women have to embarrass women?

68. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold. ...

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A sniffles, and B and C are covered with A crystals.

Let us know next time ...

Half an hour later.

A: Attention. ...

B, C, Wen Wen quickly got into the quilt and made sure there was no contact with the outside world …

Then a fart.

69. A prince was cursed and could only say one sentence a year, but he liked a princess very much, so you were silent for five years. When you have saved enough, you come to the princess and say, "Please marry me!"

The princess said in surprise, "What?"

70. After retiring, a programmer decided to learn calligraphy, bought excellent lake pens, rice paper and ink, dipped them in thick ink, and did it all at once on the paper: Hello, world.

7 1. Once upon a time, there were two trash cans. They ran and ran for a long time. Then a trash can stopped and said, we are trash cans. Why are we running?

72. Xiaoming did something wrong. His mother told him to kneel in front of the Guanyin statue and confess, saying: If Guanyin forgave you, you can eat.

Five minutes later, Xiao Ming was sitting at the dinner table. His mother asked strangely, didn't I say that Guanyin forgave you before you could eat?

Xiao Ming said: Yes, I knelt there and said that Sister Guanyin was wrong. I want to eat. Then Sister Guanyin told me with her right hand, OK.

73. A woman bought breakfast with fake money. . .

The vendor was annoyed: "Elder sister, even if you give a fake, it is at least a seal. This one of you is actually a painting!" "

Take ten thousand steps back and forget about the painting. You can draw a set of ten or five, or you can draw a set of seven!

Let's make it seven dollars for seven dollars. At least draw a color. Actually, we use pencils!

Forget it, black and white is good, but you can't draw with toilet paper! The feel is too bad

Even toilet paper, cut the edge with scissors. This paper was torn by hand, and the raw edges are too exaggerated.

Ok, I'll put up with the burr, but you can also tear a rectangle. It's hard to say. On their wedding night, the bride smiled and said to the groom, "Look, the mouse is eating your rice."

The next morning, the bride woke up and saw the mouse eating rice again. She threw a shoe at her: "Damn mouse, how dare you eat my rice!" " "

75. A person feels that his job is not good and his salary is low. He said to his wife, "As the saying goes, men are afraid of going into the wrong line, and women are afraid of marrying the wrong person. This is true. "

The wife replied, "You said this unfortunate thing made us catch up!" " 75. "The man who just passed by has a little humanity." One day, an old beggar with physical disability said to Xiao Lisi.

"Why, did he give you a lot of money?" Small, God asked.

"No, many people ignored my existence, only he peeked at me." The old beggar answered helplessly.

76. On a very cold morning, a buddy and a friend went to ATM to withdraw money, and happened to meet an armored car to add money.

In desperation, the two of them had to stand by and wait. At this time, the friend asked the buddy: Are your hands frozen?

The buddy replied coldly: frozen hands!

As a result, four guns were aimed at them instantly. . .

77. One day I parked my car in front of the teaching building and hurried to class.

After class, I hurried to get the car, grabbed the key and started poking. Suddenly found out it wasn't his own. What is embarrassing is that the host has come. I want to explain. What should I do if the lock is opened?

78. One day, a father told his son a story.

Dad: "In the Spring and Autumn Period ..."

Son: "Make it clear whether it is spring or autumn?"

Dad: "There was a vassal ..."

Son: "Is it a pig or a monkey?"

Dad: "…"

79. In class, my buddy plays with his mobile phone to cut fruit. Suddenly, he paused the game because his hands were sweating and he rubbed his clothes.

I asked, "What are you doing?"

He raised his head, raised his hand and said to me, "sharpen the knife!" " "

80. Once I was invigilating the CET-4. At that time, I was sitting on the podium and saw a boy sneaking around, writing on it with one hand, moving on it with the other hand, still mumbling.

I thought it must be cheating, so I went over and saw that this fucking guy had a string of beads in his hand. ...

8 1. The wedding was about to start when a young man suddenly rushed in.

The beautiful bride immediately said loudly, "I have seen the joke, and I am ready!" " Come on, are you here to rob the bride and groom, the best man or the bridesmaid? "

The young man looks scared. "I, I am a master of ceremonies. Sorry I'm late. "

82. Xiao Chen is a photographer who shoots graduation photo for college students every year. One day, he was chatting with a friend, and the friend asked him, "Do college students still shout' eggplant' when taking pictures?"

Xiao Chen said, "I stopped shouting. For example, I took photos of graduates of the Institute of Technology this year, and the boys all shouted-'Miss'. "

The friend smiled and said, "If girls are in the majority, you shouldn't call them' men', should you?"

Xiao Chen shook his head again and again: "Some colleges with many girls shouted' silver' and some shouted' house'."

83. A tall, thin man with a long shawl walked proudly in the street.

A middle-aged man followed him up and down all the time, and then said to the young man, "Young man, I want to take a picture of the back seat for a commercial advertisement, can I?"

The young man was very happy and said, "I guess you must be a hair stylist."

The middle-aged man said, "You guessed wrong. I sell mops. "

84. There was a thief in the country who came to spy on the elderly at night and was just seen by the elderly who came back from outside.

The thief ran away in a hurry, even the sheepskin coat stolen by others was desperate.

The old man picked up the sheepskin coat left by the thief from the ground and tried it on. He is very happy.

Because I got a big bargain in vain this time, I am disappointed every time I go home at night and see that the door is safe. He always frowned and kept saying, "Why didn't the thief come tonight?"

85. Xiao Di MM has a swimming class for the first time. An hour later, she said to the coach, "I think, is that enough for today?" "Why?" "I really can't drink any more."

86. Keep your momentum in physics class. Teacher: Beat an egg with another still egg. Who broke it? Student: Heartbroken. Teacher: Whose heart is broken? Student: The hen's heart is broken.

In Chinese class, the teacher asked Xiaohua to make sentences with the Great Wall. Xiaohua replied, "The Great Wall is very long." The teacher was unhappy: "No, create another one!" " "Xiaohua said," no, I'm not Qin Shihuang! " "

Ways to protect the environment

The teacher asked Xiaoming, "Is there any way to protect the environment from being cut down?"

Xiao Ming replied: "If you send a piece of paper less every day, there will be no killing without buying and selling."

88. Taobao's worst bad review

I asked my boyfriend to buy me some masks online, but he refused to buy them for me. Instead, he took money to buy you some broken cards and gave me ten dollars back! What card costs ten dollars! The mask is only two May Day stickers! What card is more expensive than a mask? ! Give you a bad review to tell you: don't sell it again in the future. 89. A roommate chased a girl, and after confession, the girl made a two-year agreement with him. No contact for two years. If he still likes her after two years, he will develop with him.

My roommate is a piece of shit and thinks he has a chance. Two years later, spring came!

I don't have the heart to tell him that the girl must be very happy now and can ignore him for two years. ...

The card is for a man who doesn't want to buy a mask for his girlfriend but buys some cards himself!

90. A fashionable woman walked into the post office to remit money, filled out the money order and handed it to the clerk.

When the shop assistant saw it, he returned the money order and said, "Comrade, the amount should be capitalized."

The girl cocked her head and said, "Capitalized? The grid is so small, can you write it in capital letters?

9 1. The mouse was driven into a dead end by the cat and used his quick wits. Facing the cat, he suddenly staggered and said, "ouch!" I am sleepy! "

The cat was very surprised at the mouse's behavior and asked, "What's the matter?"

The mouse pleaded, "I must have taken rat poison." I feel terrible. Eat me quickly! "

92. My friend's son, 5 years old, didn't study hard that day and was repaired by his friend.

His son said to himself, "There are several kinds of stupid birds in this world. One is to fly first, the other is not to fly, and the other is to lay eggs and pin their hopes on the next generation. "

Then his son had an extra bag on his head.

93. The son asked his mother, "What is garbage?"

Mom said, "garbage is useless."

Son: "Is Dad rubbish?"

Mom: "Silly boy, why is your father rubbish?"

Son: "you always say that dad is useless!" " "

94. A fat man weighed himself, stood up and sucked his stomach.

Passers-by asked, "Do you think your stomach will get lighter after sucking?"

The fat man replied, "No! You can't see the screen without sucking your stomach! "

95. The child asked with tears, "Mom, what are you hiding? Why didn't you tell me my dad's name for so many years? "

Mom: "I don't know your father's name yet, because he never leaves his name when doing good deeds."

96. One day, I saw on TV that the China team lost again in the sports competition. I vowed: "I will let my children practice sports in the future and win glory for our country!" "

My husband looked up at me and said, "Then let him practice weightlifting. See if his mother can do it!" " "

97. Only two elective courses can be taken in one semester.

After I chose it, I decided whether I could choose it again, so I just ordered it casually ... As a result, I played a pervert in the women's self-defense class for one semester.

Then next semester, this course notes: only for women!

98. Read the four great classical novels carefully and write the following sentences:

Daiyu thought to herself, That man looks familiar. I don't know if it's Wolong or Feng Chu. Then he asked, "Are you reinforcements invited by the monkey? The computer in the office is very slow.

One day, a colleague suggested to the director to change the machine and said, "It will take half an hour to turn it on now!" " "

The director said, "won't you come half an hour early?"

100. The mid-term exam gave an ancient Chinese translation question: The deceased is like a husband, and he will not give up day and night.

After correcting the papers, the teacher said seriously to the whole class, "An interpreter in our class wrote,' That dead man looks like my husband, and he looks like him all the time. " "