It's Qingming Festival again, and I think of my father painfully.

Human suffering, my father went to heaven. This is the first lap after my father left. However, my father is obviously not a pleasure-seeking and hard-working person. In fact, he was ruthlessly defeated after fighting the disease, and he went to a distant place with disappointment ... Memory is a needle and poison. If you miss them once, it hurts countless times. Or I'm too lazy to touch that scar again. "People who can't get out of the past are not free and easy enough." I admit that I am not free and easy enough. Because no matter what, I can't really let go of myself and be free and easy in this matter. No matter how sad you are, you will eventually want to leave something for your hard-working father ... a healthy father.

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of your death. I don't want to recall that time, that scene, that moment too much. Just the night before, I personally fed you some liquid food cooked by my mother. Every day, I will call you "dad" countless times. You can't respond to me in any words, but I firmly believe that you can hear my cry. Some time ago, you would reply to me in a low and vague voice. Later, the situation got worse. The vicissitudes of life are always blushing, burning, tight eyes, worn-out skin and shriveled legs, all of which indicate that the situation is getting worse every day. I dare not take a nap beside you every night. If you can't hear your breathing, you will be frightened. Always fantasize that even if you have been lying in bed like this and need our personal service, as long as we can see you every day, we are willing to die. Every time I scrub your body and watch your skin become red, swollen, ulcerated and inflamed because you can't move for a long time, we are all very sad and want to share the pain and suffering for you. In the last ten days of your life, you have experienced too much torture. Oxygen tube, stomach tube, urine tube. The oxygen generator keeps ringing all day, masking your breathing. The stomach tube inserted into the body has already turned black. As long as you lean sideways in a certain direction, you always keep a posture. You are getting lazy, as my mother always says. How much she wants you to have fun and quarrel with her as usual. My mother sought medical advice everywhere and even rushed to the hospital. I believe some medicines are strung together. She wants to catch the last straw, even though she may know it may be a scam, but she would rather choose to believe and choose a miracle. Up to now, I'm not entirely sure whether she is still complaining about me and my brother, because we didn't actively cooperate with her and believed the rumors in the Jianghu at random. Anyway, there were complaints at that time. After you left, mom cried and said that you left him alone, leaving us and our family behind. In an instant, my brother and I became babies without a father.

2065438+April 24, 2008, at the beginning of my father's illness, it was drizzling and slightly chilly. When I got a call from my mother, she didn't say anything but kept crying. For an instant, I understood what had happened and felt empty inside. When I got home, I found that my mother was already very confused. I don't know how she got through it while waiting for us to go back. No matter how deeply I call you, your tight eyes can't give me any more signs. Dad, you can't wait any longer, wait for me to wait on you as always after work, and wait for your little grandson to come into this world. It was dark, windy and rainy, and it collapsed naively at that moment. I thought, thought it was just a dream, a nightmare that shouldn't have happened so early. I have fantasized for countless times that you are drinking wine and eating side dishes, and there is a picture of your grandson's happiness. It's a pity that my father was so lucky that he drove the crane to the west too early before he could enjoy his family's happiness ... I still remember the autumn of 20 16, and every time I talked to you on the phone, the first sound I heard was a severe cough, saying that you were fine and had a little cold. Let you go to the hospital for examination, you always shirk it on the grounds that there are many things in the unit. You don't play cards, you don't like wandering around, you like smoking and drinking all your life. My mother has scolded you for drinking and smoking many times, saying that you won't cough if you don't smoke. She complained to me many times about your fault, and at the same time she was busy giving you medicine. I advised my father not to smoke, but to drink less wine. But I also understand that it is not easy for you to suddenly give up your only hobby for decades. Look at your cough getting worse every day. You took all the medicine in the clinic. My mother said you threw up. I'm a little worried. I called you for more than half an hour with tears in my eyes, asking you to weigh the pros and cons and take care of yourself. In short, you talked a lot that afternoon and remained silent, like an obedient pupil. Finally, I said, Dad, you should listen to us now, just as we listened to you. That is, after that time, you really stopped smoking and drinking. Mom is very happy. We all think you will get better soon. But your health doesn't seem to have improved significantly since then. On New Year's Day of 20 17, you finally gave up what you were doing and agreed to go to the hospital for examination. On the way to the hospital, I felt uneasy. The first step of inspection has been able to roughly judge that the situation is not optimistic. With the deepening of the examination step by step, the terrible word is finally placed in front of us mercilessly-lung cancer, accompanied by bone metastasis and brain metastasis. The sky is spinning and thundering. There are many examination items and long time for cancer patients. In all the time waiting for my father to come out of the examination room, tears of disappointment were scattered. My husband reminded me not to let my dad see the flaw, so I forced a smile and appeared in front of your old man. Poor acting skills, tearing pain, naive fantasy that the diagnosis of the top three hospitals is wrong. But the fact can't be changed. I just feel that the sky is falling. The problem after unifying the caliber is how to persuade the stubborn father to agree to go to the hospital for treatment. The bitter language that has been brewing for a long time murmured with difficulty: "Dad, go to the hospital." "Tell me directly, if you have tuberculosis, I am not afraid." My silly dad, the reality is not as simple as you think. If it's just tuberculosis, maybe we'll be happier than the terrible and hateful word cancer. "The doctor didn't say that, just that you have some inflammation in your lungs and need hospitalization." "Thought something, don't be nervous, it is good to take some medicine. Besides, there are many things in the unit, and I can't leave. " But you know, if you don't stay in the hospital, it's too late. In the past, my brother always urged you to have a checkup. You have been postponing this matter on the grounds that you can't leave work, so ... I really regret it. If I had insisted that you go to the hospital earlier, I wouldn't have come this far. I was stupid. The virus had invaded my father's strong body, and I was terminally ill, so I just ... "But the doctor said I couldn't delay any longer. The work will never be finished. Come back and do it when you are ready. The leadership will always keep a place for you. " I only remember that my father finally agreed to go to the hospital after a long time at home that night. However, he is still worried about his mother who works in the south of the city. He is worried that her mother is too tired to walk too far, and that she will miss a lot of work because of hospitalization. My old father, when will you think of yourself and live for yourself? After my father handled everything at home, he reluctantly went to North Sichuan Medical College for treatment. With the further deepening of the examination, the final result is finally obtained, small cell lung cancer-the most serious type of lung cancer. The ill-fated father happened to have this terminal illness. Thinking that he has always been healthy, he is now obediently receiving various treatments, and his thin face has become morbid and can't help but feel sad. But in front of him, we have to pretend to be relaxed and think that we can hide like this all the time. until one day ...

I remember it was a working day. During the break, I called my old father as usual and asked, "Dad, what are you doing?" "Infusion, lose anticancer drugs." At that moment, I really wanted to argue and tell him that it wasn't cancer, it really wasn't cancer, it was just … but I couldn't talk nonsense. Careful, he should have discovered the seriousness of the situation. Looking at my father's depression day by day, our hearts ached, and we kept preaching the superb modern medical technology and choosing similar successful cases to tell him. But more often, I can feel that this is pure self-deception. From then on, I learned to kill fish, cut pigeons and other things my father usually does, just to supplement my father's nutrition, hoping to catch up with and surpass the speed at which the virus attacks my father's body. In 20 17, Tomb-Sweeping Day, Grandpa Yao and his family came back from Ann to visit their father. After a period of chemotherapy, my father was bald at that time, but he was very happy and said that he was relieved and no longer had any psychological burden. I know my father. He speaks lightly, and there must be millions of people in his heart who don't want to. After listening to some folk remedies, he and his mother climbed to the top of a very high tree to pick the medicine primer, hoping for a miracle. Yes, who doesn't want to live well, watch their children and grandchildren around their knees, tell others about their family problems, and grow old with their mothers. Grandpa Yao taught him to use his smart phone and play WeChat. He is very happy. During this period, my second aunt invited my father to join a local Buddhist association. At that time, my father was in good spirits for a while with the encouragement of many good people. How we hope that our father, who has worked hard all his life, will always be so happy. Early treatment has certain effect. Although I can't eat for a few days after each treatment, I feel sick and want to vomit, but after those days, the situation will get better. My mother has been asking whether we can completely cure my father's illness. Maybe she thinks that working in a hospital will give her more unique opportunities than others. My brother and sister don't think so. But reality is reality after all. I still remember my brother saying that the leaders of the hospital have quietly told him to be mentally prepared at all times and suggested that we invite all our relatives and friends over during the Spring Festival so that we can spend the year with our father. Both Buddhists, my old father, three brothers and sisters, are the second in my family. Without the boss's shrewdness, he will not be loved by his parents, nor will he be spoiled by his children's welfare. At a young age, he did heavy physical labor that was not commensurate with his age in the 1960 s. After graduating from junior high school, he was forced to end his study career. After marriage, for the livelihood of the whole family, I lived a bitter life with my back to the loess. Digging on barren yellow land instead of going out to work to take care of the family. In my eyes, my father is very healthy, but he often catches a cold; Mild temperament, sometimes stubborn temper; Strong and considerate. Climbing mountains, working in the fields, playing with grandchildren and drinking wine. Have innovative thinking. As far as I can remember, at home, baskets grow feet, sickles handle clothes, and colorful candy magically grows in drawers ... In summer, most of Huang Cancan's corn and rice in deep ditches ride on my father's shoulders and jump home happily. Sweat soaked the back of his clothes and slipped down his thin face. I often look up at my little face and think that is the most handsome and stalwart father. I also secretly vowed to let my father live a good life. Hard-working couples, relying on simple labor, grit their teeth and overcome all difficulties, just bring up a pair of children alive, which makes the neighbors envious. Just when the days were a little better, he could enjoy his old age, but he got this disease, which made people sad. God, you won't open your eyes and let my suffering father stay away from suffering, no disease and no disaster! 17 birthday

During the period of seeking medical treatment, we have been reviewing and thinking about what negligence led to today's situation. Maybe it is the exhaust gas from the rice thresher in the narrow room, or it may be the poison that kills pests in the archives. I remember my dad told my husband during the New Year's physical examination on 17 that when he was undergoing cataract surgery in Mingren Hospital two years ago, the doctor who arranged a chest X-ray reminded him that there were shadows or nodules in his lungs and asked him to recheck them. Because it was a free cataract surgery, I remember I didn't give the film at that time. I don't know if my father didn't pay attention to the words shadow and nodule or if he was worried about money or something. Anyway, he didn't mention anything in front of us. Now think about it, if there is a hypothesis, there will be a chance for further examination and treatment. The whole 16 winter, facing a common cold, the whole family always treated their father. If we are more alert, we will only find the illness in advance and feel better psychologically. I wonder if this will help to cure this disease. Grandpa, the secretary of Yao Kou, took his father to Chinese medicine hospital to check platelets. I still remember the day when my father had an examination. My mother made one phone call after another, and we didn't tell her the truth, for fear that she, like us, could not accept it. But on the way back, I decided to tell my mother that I should take care of my father as much as possible in the following days, even if they quarrel in daily life. When I knew that the situation was irreversible, I cried with my brother in my arms. What should I do? What should I do? He just started working with a sad face. When he calms down, give me an analysis of the next road, treatment plan, approximate cost and family arrangement. Yes, the sudden change made the young man unusually calm and mature ahead of time. The moment I saw my mother, I couldn't restrain my inner sadness completely. I completely ignored the people coming and going on the road, holding my mother and crying loudly again. The old mother couldn't accept this cruel reality, but then she said firmly, there is no way, try your best to heal it. My baby, don't be too sad, there are still many things you need to do in the future. Yes, if we are addicted to it, how can we take good care of our parents? Next, in order to facilitate their mother's work, they moved their temporary residence from the north to the south. Every weekend, they will drive a tricycle back to their hometown with their father as before. I still remember that time I said I was going to see my mother. I felt on the phone that she didn't particularly welcome me. After meeting, I was surprised by the scar on her face. I asked her affectionately what happened, and she told me solemnly that it was a wall. At that moment, I believed it. After I left, I was still a little worried. I called my father and asked him that on his way home last week, his father's tricycle had an accident and rushed out on a slope with people and cars. They were all injured to varying degrees. At that moment, my hanging heart hung higher and higher. My father commented on my new home, but it's a pity that he can't move in with us. Every day of 20 17 was spent in fear and anxiety, but my father was able to go to Nanchong for various examinations and treatments himself. I remember one day in July, I apologized for not being able to meet my father at the station for treatment. He comforted me and said nothing. My brother put him on the bullet train, and he went home by car alone, and the journey was smooth. When walking with him at night, he was clear-headed and in a good mood. It seems that this treatment has a good effect. Chatting with me once, he mentioned that he wanted to switch to Chinese medicine, and I immediately supported him. Although my brother doesn't agree with this, I still try my best to find the relevant hospital and ask someone to register, hoping that the quintessence of Chinese medicine can save my father's life. But then my father got sleepy and slept day and night. One afternoon, my father woke up and asked my mother what time it was. You haven't gone to work yet (he mistakenly thought it was morning). After my mother told me by phone, I realized that this was a phenomenon that my father's condition worsened and his brain was damaged after long-term radiotherapy and chemotherapy. At noon the next day, it was sunny, and my father called me personally and asked, I don't know the way home. I anxiously asked him where he was and whether he needed me to pick him up. He said he was on government avenue, but he didn't know which direction to go. I immediately comforted him and said, don't worry, I'll pick you up. He insisted that I should not pick him up, but asked me to tell him the way home. On the phone, I patiently and carefully told him which intersection to turn at and how long it would take to turn. Even so, my heart is still not at ease. You know, he is in the north of the city now, and he knows it very well. Considering my previous performance, I don't know if my father's consciousness has appeared ... I dare not continue to think about it. I'll drive to pick up my mom right away and pick up my dad together. The moment I saw my father, I couldn't help feeling sad. It was an old lost child, standing at the crossroads, confused and helpless. At that time, my mother and I were sure that my father had a serious problem with his thinking. In early August, we took our father to the Affiliated Hospital of Chengdu University of Traditional Chinese Medicine. After telling the doctor the relevant medical history, I feel that the doctor is also very helpless. As Diva said, powerful western medicine can do nothing about his father's illness, and Chinese medicine can do nothing more. It's true that my father just drinks cheap and ineffective Chinese medicine regularly, but we can't see hope. He still falls asleep every day, but not when he takes him out for a walk. In the meantime, I decided to dispose of my father's tricycle for safety reasons and worrying about the possible serious consequences of his cycling again. Although my father felt very tired and confused during that time, he strongly opposed it. It feels like we're going to drag his best friend for years away from him. I comforted him: this tricycle is in disrepair and unsafe. When you are ready, I will buy you a four-wheeled vehicle with high safety performance. Father looks sad and always unhappy. My father was still unhappy when I gave him the money for selling the car after I lied about the price. But at this point, he said nothing, but I understand how lost his heart should be.

My father's health went from bad to worse in the middle and late August, so we had to send him to the new hospital of North Sichuan Medical College. My mother still works in her hometown, and my brother goes to her father's bed at noon and after work every day. I am alone at night. At that time, my father was a little grumpy and couldn't go to the toilet by himself. When changing clothes, he has to stand on the hospital bed and shake badly, which makes him very worried. My appetite is up and down. One morning, I slept soundly and woke up without my father, which scared me out of my wits. The escort in the next bed told me that dad had just gone out. I trotted after him, but fortunately he didn't go far, staring at the medical building under construction across the window. I told him that this was Tiva's new office and that we would look for him in that building in the future. I accompanied my father for treatment in September and will go back to work soon. After discussion, I decided to let my mother resign to take care of my father. During that time, we took care of our father and planned our brother's marriage. Perhaps our parents raised us and watched their children get married, which was the greatest wish of their generation. Finally, we decided to do my aunt a favor and set their wedding date on the National Day that year, so that my father could witness it with his own eyes and reassure him. The father who returned to his hometown is all right under the careful care of his mother. Hospital treatment is effective in the short term. In addition, my brother bought a medicine for treating gastric cancer from a drug dealer, which is very expensive, but has great side effects. China's medicine makes me sad, but my father's lung cancer has no specific medicine. At first, my parents lived upstairs and watched TV and walked every day. My father also prepares a new henhouse for the chickens at home every day, and also makes various preparations for the upcoming happy event. Life is simple and full. When I advised my father not to pick firewood with baskets and let him do all these heavy tasks for us, he shouted angrily, am I a cripple? At Diva's wedding, my father, as an elder, gave a speech to the couple, obviously feeling out of breath and struggling. After that, it became more and more difficult for him to go upstairs and downstairs, so he moved his residence to a lower building. Although my father's appetite is ok, every meal is difficult. It may be that he suddenly vomited after eating, but his strong desire to survive made him insist on eating more, and we encouraged him again and again. Only by eating more nutritious food can his body get better. Although the side effects of the drug were so great that he vomited, he persisted. During that time, my uncle often bought instant noodles for my father. They were soft and delicious, and my father loved them. Third aunt sometimes feeds her father herself.

On the eve of the 20 18 Spring Festival, my father's legs became weaker and weaker. In the meantime, we sent our father to Kwun Tong Hospital for treatment. There is no elevator in township hospitals, and every step my father takes is very difficult. It takes about two people to help him. It takes my father dozens of minutes to take ordinary steps. He pulled out the needle again and again and went to the toilet frequently. The toilets in township hospitals are very narrow, and only one person can squat. Several of us went to the toilet with him again and again, and he couldn't solve it at all. Our guess is that he has a strong desire to go to the toilet in his mind. We found a wheelchair for our father and often pushed him out for a walk. It is also difficult to move him back and forth from the bed and wheelchair. My father is taller than my mother and me, and I don't know how we dragged him back and forth from the bed and wheelchair. I only remember that I often stood on tiptoe to support my father's body as much as possible, and my mother was behind me, carefully moving to the bed step by step. I think it must have hurt my father at that time. My uncle, who lives closer, endures the pain in his hand and often helps to carry his father. Spring is blooming, and it's time for everything to recover, but my old father is bedridden. I can't even go to the bathroom. In desperation, we put a diaper on our father. Every day after work, my mother and I change his clothes and make his bed together. Walking on the country road after work every day doesn't feel hard at all, because I have the motivation to work hard and my father who is willing to give up. My father, who has been lying in the side room all day, has been very quiet. Now it is even more rare to say a word, ask and answer, and the language is vague. You can only lie in bed and rely on us to feed you. In the meantime, when the situation is critical, we give my father infusion at home through video phone, so that he can enjoy the same treatment at home as in the hospital. But then the situation became more and more serious, and there was an obvious lump on my father's shoulder. My mother still won't give up and found all kinds of herbs to apply to the affected area. Go out every day to find rare lanterns and flowers, and change patterns for dad to eat. . Fathers who are wasting away interact with their brothers by video.

On the evening of April, 2065438 18, my father didn't eat much, his eyes were slightly closed and he was short of breath. Snoring in my throat is getting louder and louder, my cheeks are red and I feel hot all over. Neither my mother nor I slept that night. At about five o'clock in the morning, we asked my brother's opinion. Obviously, he is also very anxious and can't make up his mind. By the time he came back from Nanchong, we had moved our father from the side room to the main room. The neighbor in the yard said that it is estimated that my father is not far from the day of death and told us to get ready. But we really couldn't bear to see my father suffer this kind of crime, and finally decided to call 120 to send my father to Guang 'an People's Hospital. Even though we know the final result, we still pin our hopes on science. The doctor advised us to give up treatment. After staying in the hospital for 2 days, I had to take my father home with tears and insert an oxygen tube, a stomach tube and a urinary catheter. We are willing to try anything that can delay my father's life. In the last ten days of my father's life, I went to work during the day and my mother took care of my father. In the evening, I accompany my father. Sometimes, I think foolishly, even so, my father will be silent and do nothing, so we will take care of him for a lifetime, as long as he is here. The roar of the oxygen generator all day masked my father's increasingly weak breathing, and his eyes were closed all the time. If you call him, he will send out a deep echo, and his eyes that have been closed for a long time will try to open. When he came back, it seemed that there was no response, and he was too lazy to try to open his eyes and look at us again. But I always believe that my father can hear our cry, but he is too tired. Indeed, my father should rest. He is also making preparations before the break. He didn't want to move and kept the same posture for a long time, so that every time my mother and I struggled to turn over for him, my mother always nagged. Get up, don't be so lazy, let me do everything alone! My father didn't speak, but he groaned in pain at the moment he leaned over. In fact, in the later bed rest, we found that my father's left leg shriveled rapidly and the whole person did not lose weight. When I finally pulled out the stomach tube, I found that only the exposed tube was normal color, and the others turned dark black. I can't imagine how my father survived that unspeakable dark day in the last days of his life. Some relatives once asked us to unplug the oxygen tube in front of our father, saying that it is better to unplug it as soon as possible than to live in such pain. As children, we don't want our father to live with dignity. Who has the heart to cut off the hope of his father's life when he looks at his father who is full of pipes? But no matter how hard we tried to keep him, when my brother and I were not around, my father left us forever. The dead are gone, but the living are strong. My father and daughter are thin in this life, and I would like to be your children in the next life. Funeral customs in eastern Sichuan are complicated. We follow the tradition of arranging father's funeral. Due to time and reality, we can't make a birthday present for our father, so we have to make do with buying ready-made ones. In the end, my brother and sister chose a first-class prescription for longevity of thick cypress for our father, and put aside the uncomfortable and messy suggestions of some people around us. Perhaps, only through this simple way can we let go of my father's endless hard work. It rained the other day, but it cleared up on the first day of my father's funeral. It is not easy to choose the location of father's grave. The last place is far from my hometown, which may be a symbol of his hard life. Looking at the kind and kind old father lying in the coffin, I can't connect him with a strong and busy father. That kind of deep sorrow and joy is like a needle with a sharp tip piercing the cone, crying sadly about my father's hard and difficult past. I always feel that everything is unreal, unreal. How could I lose my father? For more than a year after my father left, I thought of him every day and felt that he was still by my side, pointing out my life and chatting happily. He is often seen sleeping, but he is always ill. I will loudly stop him from doing heavy manual work and care about his weak body, just as he did before his death. Yes, life is like a face, you see one side missing. If I had known this, why not! Every time I go back to my hometown, I have to pass the corner around the island, and there will always be a picture of my father picking me up with a basket. He left in a hurry, his love for his children was deeply buried in his heart, and he worked hard all his life without asking for anything in return. The dead are peaceful and the living are powerful. Time is really a good thing. It taught me to gradually forget the bitterness and helplessness of the past and slowly heal the bottomless scar. I will always remember my father's voice and smile. His short and ordinary life is not surprising, but his high sense of responsibility for his family and his tireless enthusiasm for his work will affect my life. I know that people always have to grow up and need to pay a price, but I hate that the growth of life is at the expense of paying huge, unspeakable and irreparable regrets, such as family ties ... if every blessing can be realized, if there are fewer regrets in the world, how wonderful! But I don't think my father left us. Somehow, he is protecting the whole family. The real death is that no one in this world remembers you. Death is not the end of life, it is not really gone, forgetting is, forgetting is eternal death. The dribs and drabs of the past will inadvertently climb into my mark, and my father's clear and vague, loving and stern face will emerge. Time, I never want to stop rushing forward, just like me and us, we don't want to let go of our endless thoughts on you. The third anniversary is coming, and there will be countless third anniversaries in the future. May we bury your kindness and kindness in our hearts and cherish it forever. Tears came out unconsciously again ... I miss you, dad ... May you be safe. ...

-Cao Qing 202 1 On the occasion of the third anniversary of his father's death.