The traditional custom of getting married

(1) proposing marriage

In the folk, when children reach marriageable age, parents should set about matchmaking and propose marriage for them. The age of marriage varies from time to time.

In ancient China, before and during the Western Zhou Dynasty, the appropriate age for marriage was 30 for men and 20 for women. After the Tang Dynasty, the legal age for marriage was greatly reduced. According to the literature, during the Zhenguan period of Tang Dynasty, the imperial edict was: male 20, female15; Tang kaiyuanling: male 15 years old, female 13 years old; Song Tianshengling: male 15 years old, female 13 years old; The imperial edict of Jiading in Song Dynasty: male 16 years old, female 14 years old; Imperial edicts in Hongwu period of Ming Dynasty: male 16 years old, female 14 years old; According to the ceremony of Qing Dynasty, male 16 years old and female 14 years old. Fujian folk marriage age is basically within the scope stipulated by the government, and there is not much difference. In the Qing Dynasty, in Fuzhou, men 17 and women 15 could get married. There are also a few areas in Fujian where the phenomenon of early marriage is serious and the situation is special. Huian is the most typical. In some villages in the east of Hui 'an, children are engaged in infancy and get married at the age of 12 or 13. If a girl is not taken away at the age of 3, her parents will worry that her daughter can't find a man. These customs do more harm than good and do great harm.

Since the Republic of China, the legal age for marriage has increased. According to the Civil Law of the Republic of China, male 18 years old and female 16 years old. In the early days of the founding of the People's Republic of China, the new marriage law stipulated that the age of marriage was 20 for men and 0/8 for women. 1980 was changed to men not earlier than 22 years old and women not earlier than 20 years old. In line with this, the age of folk marriage has also increased. But there is a slight difference between urban and rural areas, which is generally low in rural areas and high in cities. In rural areas, early marriage is a custom, while in cities, late marriage is a common phenomenon. In cities, it is common for men to get married around the age of 30 and women to get married around the age of 25. In rural areas, men and women often propose marriage at the age of 18 and get married as soon as they reach the prescribed age; Some even lied about their age, or got married early without a marriage certificate. The bad habit of early marriage still exists in Huidong area.

In the old society, men and women didn't give and receive, and they couldn't help themselves in marriage. "Men don't ask, women don't agree", and after listening to "parents' orders, matchmakers' words." The matchmaker becomes an indispensable intermediary in marriage. According to historical records, in Xiamen, the marriage of a man and a woman is "the matchmaker's words come first", (Records of Xiamen City in the Republic of China, Volume 20, Records of Etiquette and Custom) is in Zhenghe, "When a man and a woman get married, listen to the matchmaker's words first", (Records of Zhenghe County in Qing Daoguang, Volume 1, "" This phenomenon is very common. Free love is regarded as a big violation. "Parents and China people are cheap." Therefore, there is a saying: "There is no cloud or rain in the sky, and there is no media to marry in the ground."

There used to be official media and private media, and private media was the most common. The official media is established by local governments. Private media can be divided into professional media and temporary media. Full-time workers make a living by this. They are well-informed and experienced, and often come to the door to find the parties to act as matchmakers. Non-professionals are temporarily entrusted by relatives and friends to run around and intercede. Almost all matchmakers are elderly women, so they are commonly called "matchmakers". Most matchmakers have a glib tongue and are good at both ends. Some marriages that were originally unsuitable were actually successful after the matchmaker shook his lips and talked about them. If either party offends the matchmaker, it will get in the way, and a few words may break up a beautiful marriage. Therefore, the matchmaker did not dare to neglect the matchmaker, and was very considerate and generous to the matchmaker. Whenever the matchmaker comes, both men and women will make snacks and even buy wine to treat them. There is a saying in Quanzhou: "No, the matchmaker goes first." Hui 'an people say that "if you eat well, you can't eat well" and "the bride goes through the door and the matchmaker has 36 bowls of snacks". On the wedding day, no matter what kind of matchmaker, both men and women should give some thanks. Generally, the man gives more. Non-professional matchmaker, both families are acquaintances, know each other, have less time, talk less, and don't care much about remuneration. Gifts for matchmakers are generally pig's feet, noodles, sweets, cakes and small red envelopes, commonly known as "matchmaker's gifts". When giving birth to a child in the future, give the matchmaker a "hug meal". In addition to the colors mentioned above, professional matchmakers have to give money to the matchmakers. The amount is not fixed, and it is mostly drawn according to the amount of money, ranging from 1% to 5%, and even as high as10% in some places in Taining; There are also negotiable "bonuses"

Parents' orders and matchmakers' words are the products of arranged marriages in the autocratic era. After 1949, we strongly advocate changing customs. With the improvement of civilization, rich social life and extensive interpersonal communication, young men and women have more opportunities to get to know each other, and freedom of love and marriage has become a common practice. However, due to the influence of feudal remnants, the long-standing traditional concept and the autonomy of marriage have not been fully realized, and the legacy of old customs still exists to some extent. Many young men and women who are free to fall in love will finally ask their parents for advice. Although both parents agree to support, everyone is happy, but as long as one parent does not agree, things will be more difficult. People who encounter this problem will eventually get married after struggle and accommodation; However, many people give up halfway, especially in rural areas. Some parents, knowing their son's love affair and feeling satisfied, will entrust people to the woman's house to ask for directions, discuss contact and negotiate marriage. With the decrease of old-fashioned matchmakers, new matchmakers, such as matchmakers, matchmaking agencies and marriage seekers, have appeared one after another and are quite active. Most young men and women in cities and towns find spouses through these channels. Of course, these new "matchmakers" only provide convenient means for men and women to meet and communicate. Such as an introducer, or out of concern for older unmarried people who are close friends and relatives, or eager to create opportunities and conditions for more suitable partners among colleagues and friends, or just because of their friendship with men and women and their parents, they act as messengers.

In the process of matchmaking, the man usually invites the matchmaker to visit his favorite woman's house. If the woman's parents have no objection, they will issue the date and year of her daughter's birth at the request of the matchmaker, commonly known as "Kai Geng Tie", or "Sheng Kaigeng", "Sheng Kaiyue", "Wedding Head" and "Opening Tie". "Geng Tie" is written vertically on rectangular red paper, and the number of words must be even, avoiding singular. The above date and time of birth can be replaced by the date of birth, or directly recorded by year, month, day and hour, and its chronology and timing are limited to the lunar calendar and twelve o'clock. For example: 1958 (Xiao Gou), a woman born at 9: 00 June, is written as: "Kun made the Reform Movement of 1898, but it was not completed", or "Kun made the Reform Movement of 1898, but it was completed on 15 June" (the text of men's Geng post has been slightly changed. )。 Write the year, month, day and hour directly, and the number of words can be single. If this happens, the word "Rui" or "Jian" will be omitted to double the number of words. For example, a woman who was born at 23: 00 A.D. 196 1 Xin Chou Nian (calf) 12 A.D. 15 was written as "Born in Kun Xin Chou Nian1February 15".

In Fujian folk, marriage proposal should consider the following factors.

There is no strict standard for the age gap between men and women. Generally speaking, men are two or three years older than women, and the most taboo is six years older. It is generally believed that six years old is "positive" and should not be merged. It is not appropriate to be in your teens. "Don't marry less when you are old", otherwise it will lead to public condemnation or criticism. In peacetime, it is said that when both men and women are 50 years old, they should not get married, because "50" is half of "100", and it is unlucky to get married for a hundred years.

The basic conditions for matchmaking are not only the same age, but also the same family property. The social status and wealth of the two families should not be too far apart, especially the male family and property. In the old society of Fujian, although "there were young scholars who were smart and easy to read, although the family was poor, the rich liked to choose a spouse" (Volume 5 of Minqing County Customs and Volume 8 of Shaxian County Customs), this was a minority phenomenon after all. After the Revolution of 1911, the trend of male-female collocation with heavy family status gradually changed. After 1949, this change is more significant. However, today, the old idea that marriage should be "suitable" still has a certain market, and some parents will still interfere and prevent their children from choosing a spouse who does not meet the "suitable" conditions.

"The marriage of two surnames is good for those who get married", and marriage with the same surname is also a taboo when discussing relatives. In the old society of Dehua, marriage with the same surname was forbidden, and even a few people with the same surname were not allowed to be included in the genealogy. But generally speaking, Fujian people's taboos on marriage with the same surname are not harsh. But people in Shibi Village, Ninghua County value intermarriage with the same surname. According to the fourth national census, 96% of people in Shibi Village are surnamed Zhang, and husband and wife share the same surname. At the same time, they also explicitly oppose consanguineous marriage.

There are also some special marriage taboos with different surnames in some parts of Fujian. In Taining, Lu and Xie, Zhang and Li are considered unsuitable for marriage. Because "Lu" and "furnace" are homophonic, and "Xie" means "extinguish" in Taining dialect. If "Lu" and "Xie" are combined, they will go out like a fire and cannot flourish, so relatives are forbidden to communicate. "Zhang" and "Li" have similar meanings. As the saying goes, "Zhang Wu Li" means that the equipment is incomplete and it is difficult to do things. If there is one thing, it is that there is no Li, so marriage is not allowed.

(2) Marriage

The bride's wedding invitation is brought back to the man's house by the matchmaker to get married, which is equivalent to the "asking the name" of the "six gifts". Marriage includes two parts: "asking ancestors" and "matching eight characters" The specific procedures vary from place to place. Generally, men put the woman's memorial tablet under the incense burner dedicated to bodhisattvas or ancestors at home, while others put it in front of the kitchen god's memorial tablet, which must be stored for three days or more before they can listen to their ancestors' instructions. During this period, if everything goes well at home and the six animals are safe, even a bowl and a pair of chopsticks are not damaged, which is a good omen that they cannot be washed away. With the approval of their ancestors, the marriage can continue. Otherwise, Geng Tie should be returned immediately, and the marriage will be ruined. Some places in southern Fujian commonly call this procedure "rounding" or "three yen". In Zhangping, the man's family should not only put the woman's memorial tablet (locally called "wedding head") under the incense burner in front of the shrine, but also put half a bowl of newly drawn well water on the "wedding head". After three days, if nothing unlucky or unpleasant happens at home, and the water in the bowl is kept clean, it is considered auspicious, the girl is chaste and flawless, and marriage is expected. On the contrary, the marriage is terminated. In Jianyang, birthdays, a man and a woman are all written on a piece of yellow paper, pressed under the incense burner, and everyone lights them with incense or candles. If two incense or candles are lit at the same speed, it means that the two sides are well matched; If the speed difference is too big or one of them drops out halfway, the marriage will not be harmonious and successful. In Chong 'an, seven days before the ancestral incense was placed, the incense was lit and would not stop. If the candles burn out or the cups and plates are damaged, and the date of birth is somewhat inconsistent, the marriage will be ruined.

After going through the formalities of "asking ancestors", you should ask the fortune teller to "bargain" the birth dates of both men and women to see if they are consistent. The eight characters match, men and women match, and the marriage has begun to take shape. If there is a conflict between the two, marriage will have to be abandoned. Whether the eight characters are consistent depends mainly on the five elements and the zodiac. In Fujian, zodiac taboos are very popular. Generally speaking, women are forbidden to belong to tigers, and because tigers always come out of the mountains to feed at night, they are especially forbidden to tiger women born at night. In addition, many places also emphasize taboos such as "white horses are afraid of young cows", "pigs don't reach their heads", "two tigers are different mountains", "dragons and tigers fight each other" and "women belong to sheep and keep their houses empty". In Hui 'an County, there are some sayings, such as "Killing chickens as an example", "Snakes are divided into different points", "Horses are divided into different rooms" and "tigers will bite pigs". Some alchemists also associate the zodiac with the five elements, and arrange them in columns: tiger and rabbit belong to wood, snake and horse belong to fire, dragon, sheep, dog and cow belong to soil, monkey and chicken belong to gold, and pig and mouse belong to water. Then it is calculated by mutual assistance and mutual resistance.

Marriage is superstitious, but it is related to the success or failure of marriage. Therefore, those women whose zodiac signs are "bad", or the so-called years, months, days and hours collide with each other, or the characters are fierce, often have to rearrange their ages and falsely report the zodiac signs. If it is a tiger, it will change from a tiger to a cow in the first half of the year, and the false report born in the second half of the year will be a rabbit; The year, month, day and time of birth should be forged, and the ominous day should be changed into a good day. The purpose is to cope with marriage, but also to change their bad "fate."

In Anxi area, wedding fashion has the taboo of "breaking the moon". Year of the snake, male, was born in 1 month, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September,1October,1month and1February respectively. Female pigs, rabbits and sheep were born in the first month, tigers, horses and dogs were born in March, snakes, chickens and cows were born in April, and monkeys, mice and dragons were born in June. It is said that it doesn't matter if a man breaks the moon, but a woman who breaks the moon will be greatly hurt. Married to a woman who breaks the moon, she will be poor all her life. Therefore, the parents concerned usually conceal the woman's date of birth. If they can cheat the man, the woman doesn't know it, and there will be no harm after marriage.

In Putian, Xianyou, Fuqing and Changle, after three days of matchmaking, both families were safe and sound, in line with the meaning of their ancestors. Subsequently, both men and women exchanged Geng posts and compared the eight characters. Marriage etiquette is mostly carried out by men. In Hua 'an, Shaxian, Yangxi, Bihu and other places in Sanming, when the man sends a matchmaker to talk about marriage, he gives the man's note to the matchmaker and takes it to the woman's house, and the woman's house will get married.

Nowadays, the so-called "marriage" is strange to most young people. After some young men and women fall in love, their parents will secretly match their personalities, which is basically a form of psychological comfort and generally does not restrict the success or failure of marriage. In a few villages, the old custom of "getting married" still exists. In some areas, there are even tragedies caused by "unfortunate marriage" and lovers breaking up.

(3) kinship

The eight characters are in tune, and then you have a blind date. On the basis of the matchmaker's introduction, blind date means that men and women visit each other by meeting each other to examine each other's personality and family situation, commonly known as "meeting new people" and "meeting others"

This custom was rare in ancient Fujian, and the mutual understanding between men and women mainly depended on the words of matchmakers. If the man wants to know more about the woman, he often uses the method of "peeping". Peeping is mostly carried out by parents and elders, or when women go out, they quietly follow peeping; Or hide your true identity and buy pigs, cows, etc. And go to the woman's house to secretly observe and innuendo. Most people are afraid that their daughters will be seen by each other. If the man is caught peeking, the woman thinks it is disgraceful, and the marriage may be stiff or even broken.

After the Republic of China, the wind of blind date gradually spread, but the marriage parties basically had no right to make their own decisions, and most of them were replaced by their parents and elders. There are two main forms:

One is the man's parents, aunts, aunts, etc. Visit the woman's house another day. The woman's parents usually let her daughter show her face, such as pouring tea and lighting a cigarette. The man's family will look at the woman's appearance, figure, posture and manners. In Quanzhou, Liancheng and other places, there is also the custom of looking at a woman's palm. A blind date's palm reading is not as elegant and mysterious as a fortune teller. Usually, a woman's happiness depends only on the hardness of her palm and the thickness of her skin. Soft palms, delicate skin are good looks, prominent bones and stiff muscles, and rough skin is bad looks without good luck. Fujian folks also generally taboo women's "broken palms" (also known as "horizontal palms", that is, there is a thick and deep line on the palm that runs through the center from left to right, such as through the palm), thinking that such women are "hard" and doomed to kill their husbands (men's broken palms are regarded as the lives of high officials).

The other is that the man himself is taken to the woman's house by the matchmaker or elder for blind date. While observing women, he also accepts her scrutiny. But the couple didn't sit together and talk for a long time. The woman just showed a little and then hid in the back room. In Zhangping, blind date is commonly known as "seeing the bride". Generally, the man stands in Daping (patio), and it takes only a short time for his daughter to walk from the left alley (slant hall) to the right alley after dressing up. At the same time, the woman's parents and other relatives are watching the man. In Jianning, the man went to the door for a blind date, and the woman peeked first. If there is no objection, she goes out to pour tea. The man took the opportunity to glance at it. If he agrees, he will take the tea.

No matter what form of blind date, if the man is satisfied, he will show it. Generally, the woman is given a small red envelope, commonly known as the "meeting gift", and even other family members have to take a ride. In Liu Qing and other places, the man's family will stay for dinner before leaving. In Puxian area, if the blind date eats the snacks made by the other party-eggs and noodles, it means that he likes them. In Jianyang, before the young men leave, the girl will personally make a bowl of sugar water for the young men to drink. The boys will be satisfied after drinking this bowl of sugar water. If you drink half a bowl, it means that you still need to consult with the matchmaker and leave room; If you just touch your lips symbolically, it's out of courtesy to show your disapproval of the marriage.

In Longhai, it is different for the blind date man to send a "meeting gift". The man came to the woman's house, and the woman asked her daughter to go out to hold tea and invited relatives to see the man. The man needs to present the prepared meeting gifts-"red envelopes" according to the size of relatives and friends. Blind dates often cost thousands of dollars in red envelopes. After the blind date, if one of the men and women is not satisfied, they can postpone the proposal. Whether or not to talk about marriage, the red envelope of the man's blind date is still to be given.

After the man's blind date, the woman will also go to the man's house for a walk. But the woman can't go by herself, and the elders come forward. Mainly depends on the man's family situation, such as family members, environment, house, furnishings and so on. It depends on the man's appearance. The man's family will hold a banquet to entertain guests and give gifts. In Putian, the woman will only stay for dinner if she is interested in this marriage.

Nowadays, in the marriage etiquette of urban youth, old-fashioned blind date is rare. Free lovers don't need blind date. Although they usually bring their lovers home for parents and family to consider, the final thoughts are basically their own. Arranged by the introducer, etc. There is a certain meaning of blind date when we meet for the first time. If you have a good impression at the first meeting, you will have a good start, otherwise it will be difficult to talk any more.

In rural areas, the custom of blind date is still popular, but the form and content have changed greatly. Not all blind dates go to each other's homes, but some are met in another place through matchmakers or referees; When going on blind dates, it's not just parents, relatives, matchmakers, etc. They all go with them, but some people only invite close friends or even go alone; In the process of blind date, the parties have been in contact with each other for a long time, and they will observe each other relatively carefully and learn more about each other's quality and cultivation through conversation. Of course, with the improvement of living standards, the cost of blind date has also increased. But in a few areas, when dating, you come and go, the old and the new are mixed, the etiquette is more complicated and the cost is higher. In Liancheng, in the past, the "meeting gift" given by the man to the woman was generally 2 silver dollars. Now, young men go to the woman's house to "meet the new couple", and if they agree, they have to give her a red envelope, about 65438 yuan +020 yuan. This is just "underestimating". In addition, there is a "big point of view", which mainly depends on parents. In order to "look big", the weight of red envelopes is naturally large and there are more names. In addition to giving the woman a big red envelope around 240 yuan, we should also consider her family, young and old, and close relatives. The red envelopes for the woman's parents are 42 yuan, uncles and aunts, each 12 yuan, brothers and sisters each 12 yuan, and children each 2.2 yuan. At this time, the woman will treat the man to snacks (eggs, wine, noodles). Since 1980s, even women's snacks have to be paid by men 120 yuan. After the man takes a fancy to the woman, the next steps are "seeing others" and "seeing the son-in-law", that is, the woman's parents go to the man's house to see. This person must wait at the door first. When the woman's home arrives, they will be greeted by firecrackers and have to take an umbrella from the woman's mother. Then the woman will give her future son-in-law a red envelope, commonly known as the "umbrella gift". When "looking at others", the man must hold a banquet to entertain.