Help me look at a poem written by a friend. Is there a problem?

In response to my friends' replies, I want to say a few words:

1, it is ok that ancient poems don't rhyme.

2, the biggest problem is the lack of "poetic eyes", the general description, there is no "finishing touch" pen.

Revise as follows:

Zhang Jiu Jin Zun Ju, Bo Yin to the wine.

In spring, auspicious days gather in the ocean, and longevity is a long river.

This should be a birthday poem, and finally point out the main idea of the birthday, which is also a poetic eye. Spring is the first month, and repetition is meaningless. )

The rank that Mr. Zhang doesn't know is the biggest problem to make the finishing point.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. Good wishes!