One sentence makes people laugh, collect 5 sentences! Laugh to death and don't give points ~

★ The monitor asked: Who is the largest officer in our platoon? A: It's a platoon leader. The monitor asked again: Who's under the teacher? The recruit replied: The teacher rode the horse.

My son always refuses to sit down when eating. Mom: What's wrong with you today? Why are you eating standing up? Son: In today's Chinese class, the teacher said, "Sit on empty seats ..."

★ If you don't get a high score, you can pass the exam. If you don't study hard, you will be smart if you cheat. I am a classroom, but I am free. Novels spread quickly and magazines are frequently turned over. You can pass if you don't get high marks, and you can copy if you don't learn deeply, so you are smart. I am a classroom, but I am quiet, unable to study, unable to listen to music class, thirsty to drink Sprite, sleepy to disco.

★ The wind blows and the rain blows, and the final exam is empty. Usually too carefree. I complained during the exam, but I don't care if the Emperor of Qin, Han and Wu didn't see it. Tang Zongsong's ancestors beat their chests and wept bitterly, and a generation of proud children scolded them without face. How can they be trendy when they walk out of school?

★ There are too many exams, and countless candidates stayed up all night. Cherish Qin Huang Hanwu, too timid, Tang Zong Song Zu, had to copy. A generation of Tianjiao, Genghis Khan, finally handed in a blank sheet of paper. After passing the examination, count the romantic figures and take all the exams again!

The teacher called a classmate to answer the question. This classmate is in a daze and can't speak. The teacher said, is that okay? You won't let me know! This classmate: cheep!

★ The teacher said: I want to move flowers for two people. So I voted for a class flower, took a class, and selected two most beautiful girls. The teacher said: Go to the Academic Affairs Office to move flowers!

The teacher asked the Sports Commission to make sure that all the girls in the class were here, so he said to him: Go and clean up all the girls in the class. The sports commission is a kid, so he asked, which one? The teacher said: I know I still want you to go!

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★ Students imagine the future and write: I hope to have a healthy child and a husband who really loves me in the future. Teacher's comment: Please pay attention to the order.

★ A junior high school student's English note: the bus father died, yes, the grandfather died, the girl brother died, the little sister died, and the school died.

★ A history teacher asked a student: Who did Princess Wencheng marry? The student replied: I married a Song Dynasty cadre (Songzan Gambu).

★ A boy pretends to claim something, "I lost this." "But," the girl blushed and said, "I found this in the ladies' room. "

★ A girl bought an album "The First Time", and once she didn't know who to borrow it from, she asked the whole class, "Did I give it to you for the first time?"

★ A group of student cadres went to the boys' dormitory to check the hygiene, only to see a couplet posted on the door of a dormitory: "No money, no electricity, no study, talk about women". Ask "no serialization".

★ When the teacher saw the students hand in their books, he was going to find a word to teach him. Suddenly he saw a word "three" and scolded, "I've been looking for you everywhere, but you're lying here sleeping in!" "

★ Professor of Philosophy: A fool's question, 10 a wise man can't answer it. Student: No wonder I failed the exam.

Family humor

★ "Dad, what do you mean by standing at thirty?" "In the past, people were malnourished and could not stand and walk until they were thirty. This is called standing at thirty. "

Help me buy two more fan-shaped acute angle cakes. Beauty is really different. We usually just call that kind of cake triangle cake. After marriage, I also invited my husband to dinner: "Hey, that irregular polyhedron, come here!" "

★ "Son, which apple do you want?" Mom asked. "The biggest." The child has no manners. "Son, you should be polite." "Do you have to lie if you are polite?"

★ "How much do you love me?" "A dime so much!" "That's it?" "Isn't a dime ten cents?"

When the couple arrived at the stadium, the second half of the game had already begun. The husband asked: What was the score on the field? Someone nearby replied: 0 to 0. The wife said: Great, we didn't delay anything.

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★ Mother: "In my opinion, my child is really a child prodigy. He has many unique ideas, doesn't he? " "Yes, madam, especially when remembering new words."

Wife: You used to send me roses. Why don't you send me some now? The husband replied, have you ever seen a fisherman feed him bait after catching a fish?

★ The wife asked her husband: Do you like my gentleness and cuteness or my cleverness and beauty? Husband: I like your sense of humor!

Dentist to patient: Don't be afraid. Come on, drink a glass of white wine to cheer up. After drinking, the doctor asked the patient, how do you feel now? The patient shouted, Now I'll see who dares to pull out my tooth!

★ A couple quarreled and said that they were strong. Finally, my husband said: You are just better than me! The wife asked: which point? Husband: Your spouse is better than mine!

One day, the child's uncle came, but the child said he would go to the zoo to see the monkeys. Mother said angrily, your uncle is here. What other monkeys are you going to see?

★ Husband, the husband is within ten feet, and the pager is ten feet away. The paging lady said, I'm sorry, this gentleman is not in the service area now.

★ Zaizai was repaired by his father. He ran to his mother to complain: Mom, what would you do if someone hit your son? Mom: I want to avenge his son! Aberdeen: ...

Divine state

★ "Judge, I insist on divorce. My wife and I have nothing in common. " "It doesn't matter. You can find an interpreter together. "

★ "Why do the bride and groom hold hands at the wedding?" "It's a habit, just like two boxers shaking hands before a war."

★ "Don't get drunk again". "What's wrong with me?" "Also said! Yesterday, someone saw you chasing a pig with a glass and shouting,' Are you a brother? This is my brother's work! "

I heard that you quarreled with your wife yesterday. How did it end? " "Of course she knelt down and begged me!" "no! How did she beg you? " "She said,' I won't hit you. "Come out from under the bed!" "

★ "My wife is sometimes as cruel as a referee. She showed me a red card yesterday and pushed me out of bed. " "What is this? My friend kicked me out of Simmons just because of my reasonable collision and found a substitute. "

★ 9. 1 1 The black box on the plane was found. At the last 10 second of the plane crash, I heard it say, "There is a beautiful woman in front, drive closer."

★ Sick child: Mom, why does the aunt who gave medicine wear a mask? Mom: The medicine I gave you is delicious. The dean is worried that they will steal it. Sick child: Do you wear masks for those uncles with knives because you are afraid of eating?

Patient: Excuse me, doctor, I heard that eating carrots can prevent myopia. Is it true?/You don't say. Doctor: You doubt it! Have you ever seen a white rabbit with glasses?

★ Interview with a writer: What kind of novel do you want to write most when you are in love? Love. What about before marriage? What about horror novels after marriage!

★ On the first day of obstetrician's internship, his wife asked him: How was today? The doctor said it wasn't too bad. Although the mother and the baby were not saved, the baby's father was finally saved.

★ Story: A lady fell asleep on the shoulder of a strange man next door. Accident: A man fell asleep on the shoulder of a strange lady next door.

Customer: When you sell food in the street, you should add a dust cover. Shop assistant: No, I sell all the local snacks.

★ In the cold winter morning, you struggled to paddle in the pool, breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly, freestyle and amazing diving! The old man on the shore was anxious: my god! You drank up the cesspool and stopped me from farming!

★ Go to the top of Mount Tai with friends to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed to the sky and said, "I see it!" " "I saw it too!" At this time, someone in the distance came out with trousers and scolded: "See it when you see it!" " What are you yelling about? "

★ On a red and blue sky, farmers rushed into the cinema excitedly to watch the third-grade film, and the shouts of anger shook the world. The village chief came to ask what was going on, and the farmer said, people who read short messages don't play the leading role, and we don't give money if we are killed.

Taken the words Dong Fangbubai accidentally turned to a secret book "sunflower collection", he opened the secret book, the first page impressively write eight characters "to practice magic, since the palace first", he vomited a pool of blood on the spot, fainted. A few days later, I opened the last page and saw that there were not eight big characters on it, but many words. He read aloud: this secret book is for reference only and is pure fiction. If there are similarities, it is purely coincidental. I advise martial arts lovers not to imitate, or they will bear the consequences.

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★ When the director is old, he will give big bonuses to his subordinates when he is happy. Staff Zhou Xiao praised him and said: My subordinates will work hard in the future and will not be rewarded by the director.

Taken the director and * * * section chief take the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said: I didn't put it there. Soon, the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting: you can't afford to take care of big things. What's the use of asking you

★ During the airborne exercise, the officer asked: How many recruits are there this year? The little soldier said: Look at your ass when you fall! The officer said, why? The little soldier said, there are footprints on the recruits' ass!

★ Two white men said to the black man who wanted to eat chicken: You deal with this chicken, we will deal with you! Black dress person one leng, immediately kissed the chicken ass.

★ They had never seen cashmere sweaters, so they went to the sheepfold to steal them. A person: alas! Sheep's clothes are really difficult to take off. Another person: Oh, this sheep is wearing a cashmere sweater. I touched the button, but it was still soft.

★ The leader visited the hungry people and made a speech: Rabbit, did the dog eat today's meal? Everyone is chinemys reevesii (Comrades, have you had enough food today? Let's make a big bowl.

★ The deaf, the blind and the lame appreciate the opera, and they say that dancing can still be bad; Blind: singing is ok, but dancing is poor; The lame man said: you can dance and sing, and the stage is slightly tilted.

★ The circus performance is over. Boss: Who received the money today? Dude: It was collected by the gorilla, but it bought a mobile phone with money, and now it is reading short messages.

★ Beauty: Why do they all say that "heroes are sad about beauty"? Hero: Haven't you heard of "the color of a hero"?

In a military exercise, a shell accidentally fell into Gua Tian, and a soldier was sent to check it out. A man in rags said with a sad face, it's just stealing a melon. Why use shelling?

The person in charge arranged to visit the museum. When taking a bath, he said: women take a bath in the morning and men take a bath in the afternoon. When visiting, you are only allowed to look, touch and take pictures.

★ The lottery with the design of donkey, horse and cow won the prize. Someone bought one and shouted: I am a donkey. The people next to him said discontentedly that donkeys are great and animals have prizes.

★ A woman marries a foreign devil. When her mother died, she asked her husband for money to go home to attend the funeral, but she didn't go home with him. The husband was puzzled and replied: In order to prevent all relatives and friends from going to hell during the day.

★ An old lady loved playing mahjong before her death. After her death, her children offered to send mahjong with her, but a woman was very worried: what if she called us because she was short of hands?

★ A foreigner wants to have a party, but his single dormitory is not big enough, so he borrows Lao Zhang's venue: Hello, Lao Zhang, I want to have a party, but my home is too small and I want to borrow your mother!

★ A player failed to catch the ball steadily. While practicing passing and catching the ball, another player gave him a good ball and he shouted, "Catch it steadily." As a result, the ball hit him on the head and he said, "With whom?"

★ Lady: Boss, I am very satisfied with this crocodile leather bag ... I wonder if it is waterproof? Boss: Of course. Have you ever seen a crocodile playing an umbrella?

★ A person is always farting in the office, and colleagues can't help but say: Can you keep quiet? Then I saw him sitting there trembling and asked, why? Answer: I set it to vibrate!

★ Three men on a desert island met a giant who could satisfy everyone's wishes. A: Send me what I like; B: send it to miss world; C: Send them away.

Three doctors praised their medical skills. I helped a man connect his arm and he became a baseball pitcher. I helped someone connect a leg. He is already the champion of long-distance running. I helped a fool smile. He is a member of parliament now.

Father: My child, repent for your serious crime, otherwise, the door of heaven will be closed to you. Habitual thief: Don't worry, there is no door in the world that I can't open.

Diner: hello, miss, the amount of food here has decreased a lot recently. Attendant: It may be parallax, sir, because the area of the hall has expanded.

★ The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed after hearing this: Shit, what else can I do? If you are trampled, you will pay the price.

The stories I tell you include religion, royalty, sex, suspense and incisiveness: My God, the queen is pregnant. Who did it?

★ The blind and the lame ride bicycles together, and the lame watch the road. Suddenly, he saw a deep ditch and shouted: Gougougou! The blind man turned around and sang: oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! So they fell into the ditch.

★ A beautiful woman with long hair got on the bus, gestured from time to time, and suddenly farted. A young man next to her muttered, No matter how hard you blow, it won't float.

★ A boxer said to the doctor: What can I do to treat insomnia? Doctor: Just count from 1 to 99 before going to bed. Athlete: I tried this method, but every time I count to 9, I jump out of bed.

★ There is a conspicuous big wooden sign hanging behind a truck, which reads: "This truck collided with other vehicles 10 times, and the result was 7 wins and 2 draws, with only one slight loss. Please be careful! "

★ A vendor selling garlic in the street suddenly saw the tax manager, so he quickly began to clean up the mess. The tax manager was furious: how dare you pretend!

★ At the lecture on women's health knowledge, the teacher asked: What should I pay special attention to after pregnancy? A young woman stood up and replied, get married quickly.

★ Once there was a beautiful girl who was willing to go to the grave with me-she said with red eyes, if you don't pay me back, I will die with you! Once there was a girl who was willing to wait for me in her next life. She said, "If you want to be my boyfriend, wait for the next life." There was once a girl who was willing to give her life for me. She said firmly, "If you pester me again, I will die."