The girl in the eyes of the "bossy president", is often the embodiment of the scum!

No matter what era, the story of Daomingji and Sugino, He Yichen and Zhao Mersheng, and the domineering president with a beautiful woman is always unforgettable.

But in the real world, such combinations often don't always have happy endings, and more often than not, they are stories of good girls being abandoned by scum, oh no, accidents.

"Good" girls are more likely to be attracted to scumbags

In most of our minds, a good girl in the traditional sense of the word is gentle, humble, considerate, and submissive.

But why is it that most of the many girls who have been abandoned by scumbag men and subjected to domestic violence are in this category?

These types of girls have some **** the same background characteristics, most of them grew up with stronger, demanding parents at home. For example, Jiang Fangzhou, a famous young writer, confessed in the program "Round Table Pie" that she is a pleasing personality and is prone to encountering scum. She shared on the program that a man called her after she broke up and threatened her, saying that if she didn't make up she would have to do things to hurt herself, and she had to use all kinds of methods to get rid of him.

Another group of girls will unconsciously pander to and curry favor with others because their families are more indifferent to them and ignore their existence. For example, in Chaoshan, Guangdong Province, where the idea of "favoring boys over girls" is extremely serious, many families are trying to have boys by all means, and the status of girls in the family is relatively low, so they are used to pandering to their parents from a young age, hoping to get more attention from their parents.

This way of getting along with each other creates an internalized relationship pattern in them over time. Psychological research also proves this, people grow up and are still unconsciously attracted to significant others who allow us to relive and experience the same feelings that we had with our parents during our childhood, even if it is painful, but subconsciously gives them a sense of familiarity.

The reason why those submissive and considerate girls with pleasing personalities are more likely to be attracted to scumbags is precisely because their arrogant, bossy, and cold personalities will unconsciously project onto each other the patterns they used to get along with their parents when they were children.

Most of the scum are often "controllers"

The scum usually have a very distinctive feature, that is, they like to suppress the girl's thoughts, behavior to meet their desire to control, and let the other party to comply with their own wishes to prove that they are right. We can call this type of person "controller", while the girl is "dependent". The relationship between controllers and codependents is not limited to couples, but is also common with parents and children.

In general, a normal relationship makes a person try to understand the other person.

Controllers, on the other hand, are usually unable to see and unwilling to recognize that the other person has an independent personality.

I have a friend whose boyfriend is a typical controller. He asks her what restaurant she wants to go to before every meal, and when she thinks of something to send him to choose, he thinks that her choices are not good, and he ends up going to the restaurant he wants to go to. When they eat together, he will directly order the dishes, and finally asked or even do not ask her what she wants to eat, of course, or he paid the bill.

When they have a disagreement, it's difficult to communicate with him honestly. He either counters her with his own logic or doesn't respond or even rolls his eyes and finds her annoying.

For the more serious controllers, they ask and criticize their significant other's clothing, perfume, and even their Twitter avatar.

It's like they can't see the real other half, they don't know and don't want to know what's going on in the other person's heart, they can only do what he wants and we can't see what's going on in his heart.

So, on the surface, it may be a story of a gentle and beautiful girl being conquered by a "domineering president", but in reality, it may be a story of a "controlling person" and a "dependent person". The story may be a story of a gentle and beautiful girl being conquered by a "dominant president", but in reality it may be a story of a "controller" and "dependent".

There is a concept in psychology called "projective identity", which refers to a person who induces others to act in a limited way or react to interpersonal behavior patterns, the controller is the dependent person to implement this projection.

There are two logics of projective identification; one logic is that I want you to treat me in what I think is a good way so that you become what I expect you to be.

But there is another set of logic, I know you will not treat me in the good way I want, so I first project "bad" to you, if you agree with this "bad", it is the same as the other side of the validation of the judgment, but in fact this is the result of his own induction. But in fact, this is the result of his own induction. He thought, "You really can't stand it, you're treating me in a bad way, you just don't like me.

For example, if a man calls his girlfriend, if the other person did not answer, he will call many, and even until the other side to pick up until. Asked why the other party did not answer the phone, the girlfriend said just now they have something in the busy, want to call back after the fact. He said you can pick up first, and then go busy with other things, is not a kind of robber baron logic.

He thinks his girlfriend should pick up his call first in any situation, and if she does, he thinks they have a good relationship.

But if his girlfriend thinks she chooses not to answer the phone when she's dealing with something and then responds afterward, he'll deny the reasonableness of the other person's approach, think they're a bad person, and maybe even break up.

This behavior of men is actually a self-defense mechanism. If a person uses this psychological mechanism frequently, then the people around him will have a serious sense of being limited, and there will be a constant need to become a bad person in front of him, which makes the people around him will be easy to leave him, and this will validate his most fundamental pain, which is: "I'm a bad person, no one likes me."

How Controllers Are Bred

What makes these people into a controller?

While codependents are usually raised because they have controlling parents, controllers have an inverted relationship with their parents; their parents are vulnerable codependents who need their children to take care of them, and they gain their initial sense of worth from caring for and dominating their parents. Growing up they aspire to repeat that relationship.

Another scenario is because the controller has had a severe separation from their mother, or was not well cared for as a child, and they resent it internally. Growing up, once they fall in love with someone, they impose that image on that person. Because they were severely hurt in childhood, they fear separation, and the independent will of the lover is a threat to them.

They want the world to be "as it should be". When life happens unexpectedly, they feel out of control, and feel that their lack of anticipation means that they are bad, bad, and that the world is the same way.

American psychologist Patrice Evans tells us in the book Don't Control Me with Love that controllers have three basic inner needs and characteristics:

1. Controllers are very focused on external approval and acceptance

Controllers shape themselves from the outside in, and they want to be the kind of person they believe they are.

The internal logic of the controller is that in order to exist, I must be right. If I am right, then you must be wrong.

Differing thoughts, beliefs and emotions are a threat to them.

2. They would rather give up their ego than maintain their external image

They will treat their external image as their real self, so brand name clothes, luxury cars, beautiful spouses, and decent careers can make them feel better about themselves.

There is also another type of controller who is completely against social norms, and they usually go to extremes within these two situations.

This reminds me of the man in the Shanghai wife-killing case, who used his wife's WeChat account to chat with her parents after he killed her, and used her credit card to make purchases to create all sorts of false pretenses so he could continue to maintain his outward image.

And I know a controller, dress very tasteful, looks very clean, with a few packets of paper towels kind of. But then one time I went to the place where he lived and was dumbfounded. His belongings were scattered everywhere, his clothes were piled up in a mountain on the sofa without being folded, the toilet was barely cleaned and was unbearable to look at, and he saw a few small robbers crawling near the garbage cans. He really only cares about his own image, the surrounding seems to have no effect on him.

3. Influence of cultural practices

Controllers are often influenced by their surroundings and cultural practices. They often live the way others want them to. "You need XXX to be successful," "That's the only way you're good looking or handsome," and "You're nothing unless someone falls in love with you."

They appear confident, cool and bossy on the surface, but in reality they themselves often feel powerless and extremely insecure inside.

How do you diffuse this inappropriate control in a relationship?

There is one and only one way, and that is to break the illusion.

Let the controller know that I am me, you are you, and I am going to honor my reasonableness and your feelings are just as reasonable.

The world doesn't work the way you want it to, but at the same time it is well-intentioned. Being out of control is acceptable, even wonderful.

How to break the illusion, Mr. Wu Zhihong cited an example of a boy with a very successful career because he chased a girl for a long time or couldn't chase her, and finally gave up, felt very depressed, and went to him for counseling. During the counseling process, Mr. Wu Zhihong felt that the man was actually happy. He found some details, the man said that the girl has been very gentle and politely rejected him. Later, the man admitted to him that he was actually happy inside, because for the first time he felt that other people also existed with independent consciousness, and that this person was good and well-intentioned. This feeling then breaks his illusion and subverts his previous illusion that only he is good and everyone else should obey his wishes.

I remember once a controller friend and I were eating Five Sheep ice cream, a decades-old brand in Guangdong. I casually said, are you also grew up like to eat this, he instantly showed a very contemptuous look, said I have no intelligence, there is no such brand in the provinces. Normally I would have thought he didn't know how to think differently, but the point is, he's a PhD student in science, and he actually said something like that. I instantly retorted to him with a smile on my face, I said how do I know you don't have this sign over there? How can you measure people's intelligence with that? He saw that I had a better attitude and made sense so he didn't retort anymore.

If we respond to controllers in a "bad" way, their defenses will be stronger and their illusions more severe. Only love can help the controllers slowly expel their deepest fears.

No wonder director Ang Lee said, "I don't teach my children to be filial, I only teach them how to love."

Humanity is crippled because of love, and humanity is complete because of love.

A controller does not know love, and the pandering and pleasing of the dependent is not love.

One can give true love only if the conscious and subconscious goals are in agreement.

Just like a person who is full of fear in his heart, his subconscious obviously desires to get more love, but he is afraid of being rejected after giving love, so he pushes his other half away through the level of consciousness, in terms of language and behavior, which is obviously not love.

The codependent who caters to the lack of love in his heart is prone to mistake the control and material care of the other person for love, and then rely on the other person even more, but this is not love either, it is solicitation.

Love is deep understanding and acceptance.