Ancient women's views on marriage

When you are in love, you are simple and enthusiastic, and you are full of exaggerated imagination about love. After marriage, I am unremarkable in obeying rules and keeping women's morals. It can be said that the ancient women's concept of love is based on marriage, which does not have the characteristics of accumulation, but has changed from a concept interruption to a completely opposite concept. The concept of love has changed from humanization to dogmatism.

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On ancient women's concept of mate selection

There is a poem named "Self-protection" in the Book of Songs Feng Wei. The first half is about a young man and woman from love to marriage. The general idea is that a sincere young man comes to the woman's house to buy silk, not to buy things, but to marry a woman who sells silk. When the woman is in love, she will send the man home and send him far away. The man asked to get married early, but the woman said she didn't mean to delay the time. You haven't hired a matchmaker yet, wait until autumn to get married. In this way, the two agreed on the time and place of farewell. At the end of the year, the woman arrived first, but when she saw that the man hadn't come yet, she missed each other very much and was afraid that they would stand me up, so she shed tears. Later, when the man arrived, the woman smiled and chatted happily. The man told the woman that our marriage had been divined and there was nothing unlucky. Let's get married.

The woman readily agreed, moved her belongings, got in the man's car and left, forming a partner. This is a folk woman who accepted the love of an ordinary man who was in power in Zheng State and became a couple. The poem "Meng" opposes women's free love, but it reflects the certain universality of civil independent mate selection in the pre-Qin period.

The author's article no longer talks about the love of folk women, but describes the marriage of women whose husbands were elected by ancient aristocratic bureaucratic families.

Let's look at my sister's choice of husband in the Spring and Autumn Period. It's Zheng's doctor. Her sister is very beautiful. Doctor Gong gave her a dowry and made her his fiancee. Doctor Gong Sunhei envied Wu Xu's appearance and sent a gift to force her to get married. Faced with these two suitors, Wu Xu, as a parent, didn't know what to do, so he reported to his ruling son. Zi chan said that because of the political uncertainty in the country, it is not your family's fault that two doctors are fighting for wives. You don't need to ask your sister to marry the person she likes. Wu Xu consulted with two doctors, and both doctors agreed with the method decided by Wu Xu's family, so they came to Wu Xu's house to seek relatives and friends. Gong Sunhei wore gorgeous clothes and put tokens as dowry in the class. Gong Sunchu, dressed in a military uniform, shot an arrow in the yard, then jumped on the bus and left. He didn't send any more gifts, because he had given the bride price money in advance, so he didn't think it was necessary to send any more gifts.

Wu Xu carefully observed the actions of two doctors in the room and chose his lover. She thinks that Gong Sunhei is really beautiful, but she can't be her husband. Gongsun Chujiu shows his manhood and decides to marry him. Her brother respected this intention, so he married Gong. The marriage did not end here. The failed Gong Sunhei didn't want to kill Gong Sunpestle in order to seize Wu Xu's family. In a rage, Gongsun Chujiu wounded Gongsun Hei, which led to exile (Zuo Nian). I don't know how Wu Xu lived in his later years. Between the two doctors, she doesn't judge people by their appearances, doesn't judge people by their grades, and has her own standards of love.

Draw an archery picture of the palace. The combination of Wu Jia and Han Shou in the Western Jin Dynasty is similar to the love between Zhang Sheng and Yingying in The West Chamber. Wu Jia is the second daughter of Sikong Jia Chong, and Jia Chong treats her. Wu Jia often peeks into the living room from the back room. Han Shou, Jia Chong's assistant, often attends parties. He is handsome and personable, and is deeply favored by Wu Jia. I can't control my feelings for him, but I think of him in my sleep. But I couldn't get close to him, so I asked my maid if she knew who he was. There happened to be a handmaiden in Han Shou. Wu Jia communicated with her lover through her and asked Han Shou to climb over the wall and enter the boudoir at night. Second, Wu Jia was kind-hearted. He stole the strange incense from Jia Chong's room and gave it to Han Shou. Wu Jia was very happy to have a lover. His father thought that she was "different from her usual life", and finally found out their communication and admitted the fait accompli, so they got very close (Biography of the Book of Jin and Krabi).

Xu Miao, the daughter of the secretariat, was contemporary with Wu Jia, and also had the experience of choosing a spouse. In order to choose the right family for her daughter, Xu Miao assisted the officials at the meeting and let her watch in the back room and secretly choose. Some of the visitors are engaged in Wang Jun, and they are handsome and handsome. When he was young, he didn't pay attention to honor, but later he changed his behavior and set up great ambitions. His performance at the banquet was met by Xu Nvxiang, who told his mother that Xu Miao would let them get married (Biography of Wang Jinshu). Later, Wang Jun made great contributions to pacify the State of Wu in Sun Shi, where he worshipped General Fu Jun as an official. Xu's daughter really has a good eye.

All the above daughters chose their husbands under the supervision of their fathers and brothers, while Xun's daughter in the Southern Dynasties was completely independent. Xun explained that Guangling people were given things by officials, and their daughters were married. "Biography of Southern History Xun" said: "If you get married, you can do it tomorrow, and you can escape with others tonight." It seems that Xunnv already has a lover and is dissatisfied with her parents' husband. On the eve of her wedding, she eloped with her lover, keeping it a secret. The family can't find it. She probably got help from others. Her determination to break up with her family shows that she is deeply in love and will not waver no matter what happens.

At the end of the Tang Dynasty, Zheng Yi's daughter chose her husband with different results. Assistant Minister Ping Zhang Sikong said that Zheng Yi had a daughter when she got married. Luo Yin was from Yuhang, and she was good at writing poems, especially fond of chanting history. However, he failed to win the first place in the second interview, and Zheng Yi appreciated him very much and kept in touch with him. Zheng Yi's daughter likes Luo Yin's poems very much and reads them from time to time. Zheng Yi thought that her daughter loved Luo Yin and wanted to fix them up, so she invited Luo Yin and Zheng's daughter to see him in the curtain. It doesn't matter at first glance. Because Luo Yin was ugly, contrary to the impression she got from her poems, she hated Luo Yin deeply and never read his poems again. Zheng Yi knew that her daughter only liked reading Luo Yin's poems, but she didn't like this person, so she stopped planning this marriage for her daughter (Biography of Luo Yin in the Old Five Dynasties). On the issue of her own marriage, Zheng's daughter expressed her views and got her father's full understanding.

In the Southern Song Dynasty, Li Zong had no son, but only one daughter, and was named Princess Zhou Han, who was very fond of her. When the princess reached the age of 30, she decided to choose Xu, and in Chen Jian's proposal, she chose Zhou, the first undergraduate scholar. When the champion Zhou thanked her, the princess saw Zhou behind the screen and showed displeasure. After learning his daughter's thoughts, Japanese Zong did not adopt the minister's opinion, and Zhou lost the opportunity to be a husband. Li Zong was made by the portrait of Queen Ning Zongyang in Song Lizong. As a reward, Yang Zhen, the nephew of Queen Yang, was elected as her husband, and the princess had no objection to this marriage. After marriage, for the sake of family happiness, Li Zong built a mansion for the princess near ouchi, and often got together at the princess's house. But the good times didn't last long. The princess died of illness when she lived to be 22 (The Legend of the Princess in Song Dynasty).

The ways and results of the above-mentioned women choosing marriage are different, but there are similarities. It can be roughly divided into three types. First, Xun Yan's daughter's completely independent marriage. Looking for a woman opposes the arranged marriage of her parents, has her own lover, and does it according to her own wishes without asking her parents' opinions at all. When the family couldn't support it, she ran away to practice the pursuit of marital autonomy. Marriage is a family matter, and spouses should choose for themselves. What she pursues is the freedom of love. This requirement is difficult to achieve in an era when children are parents' accessories, especially women. How can you fall in love freely if you follow the ethics of three obedience and four virtues! Anyone who pursues this freedom, his marriage and married life are mostly unsatisfactory. That is, as far as Xunnu is concerned, it is unfortunate to escape. After leaving home, she is bound to encounter many difficulties. Later, for some reason, she became a nun in a temple. It is unknown whether the lover abandoned her or died. However, in the Northern and Southern Dynasties, she was not ashamed to remarry. In either case, she can remarry. She didn't do this. She fled into an empty door in despair, which was related to her escape. She paid the price of blood and tears to get rid of her parents' orders and the marriage of the matchmaker. Self-marriage does not meet the requirements of feudal marriage etiquette. In ancient times, according to etiquette, there were six steps to talk about marriage, namely, receiving gifts, asking names, receiving gifts, inviting guests, and welcoming people. First of all, the matchmaker invited by the man went to the woman's house to ask if it was possible to discuss marriage, and she agreed. The woman gives the woman's name, and the man goes back to divination to get a good omen, informs the woman's family, and sends a dowry to agree on the date when the groom will marry the bride. Only through these steps can marriage be legal. If you fall in love and get married, there will be no steps such as acceptance, fame, Najib, etc., and there is no need to invite a matchmaker. Even if there is, it is also a remedy afterwards, which does not count. If you don't invite a matchmaker, you can do it according to the wedding ceremony, which is unacceptable to etiquette and public opinion. "Book of Rites Quli" says: "Men and women are not known by their media; No money, no money, no kissing. " When a woman marries without an escort, it is called "elopement". In the Book of Songs, the woman who married freely, Feng Wei, in order to protect herself, knew this and asked the other party to postpone the wedding date in order to invite the matchmaker-"If I rob you, there will be no good matchmaker." Of course, the women of Xun family fled without a matchmaker, failed to perform the six rites, and were discriminated against by the orthodox school, saying that Xun family was an "adulteress" (Xunzhuan). Not only is public opinion contemptuous, but women's status in the husband's family is also very low. "Book of Rites" said: "If you are hired, you will be a wife, and if you run, you will be a concubine." Treat a freely married woman as a concubine and turn her lover into a bitch. How serious is the persecution of a freely married woman?

The other is part of the autonomous marriage under the auspices of parents.

For example, Wu Xu's family chooses between Gongsun Chujiu and Gongsun Hei, Xu Miao's daughter chooses among her parents' families, and Zheng Miao's daughter and Zhou Hanguo's princess express their opinions to specific people, so there are limited objects for them to choose from, and there is no contact at ordinary times, let alone love. Often, a look determines their lives. This way mainly depends on the appearance and style of the other party. They are good girls, and it is natural and reasonable to ask for her husband's appearance and manners. Their choice of spouse is not a love marriage, but there is something worthy of recognition. The parents of these women are more open-minded about their daughters' marriage. They seek the opinions of both parties to the marriage and only give them a certain range of choices. Once they show their attitude, their parents respect them and do as they wish. Respect the parties, do not engage in the belief that parents' lives are sacred and unchangeable, and have a little democratic style. Parents like Xu Miao are rare, and daughters should be said to be happy. The enlightened behavior of these people is related to their personality. For example, Zheng Yi is an "open and tolerant" person, who can still repay others with good deeds (Zheng Yichuan, an Old Tang Dynasty Book), and is less rigid and more tolerant towards his children. Wu Xu followed Zi Chan's advice, which made his sister choose her husband. Zi chan, a famous politician at that time, came up with this good idea. In this way, Wu Xu and others are lucky to meet more enlightened people.

The third is that parents admit the fait accompli of their daughter's choice. For example, Jia Chong agrees that Wu Jia will marry Han Shou. Wu Jia's behavior was considered a scandal at that time. Jia Chong knew, didn't want to make public, so he combined them. This kind of parents face the reality, do not create love tragedies, but also have enlightened places. This kind of people suffered some discrimination in feudal times, based on feudal ethics, saying that their family education was lax. It was true at that time, but the family education was strict, that is, women kept three obedience and four virtues, so what's good! So today, we don't need to make an analysis, abandon traditional ideas and make harsh comments on the Jia Chong generation.

The arranged marriage of young men and women appeared as early as three generations ago, but from the fact that young men and women, especially women, chose spouses or expressed certain opinions under the auspices of their parents, we know that young people at that time had more power to choose spouses than later, that is to say, involuntary marriage (that is, arranged marriage) had a development process, which was more and more in ancient times. Contrary to this phenomenon, the restoration of young people's marital autonomy is bound to take a long time, which is endless in ancient times and has made great progress in modern China, but it needs the continuous efforts of contemporary people to be fully realized. Modern people need to have a strong sense of supporting young people to fight for marriage autonomy, distinguish right from wrong, and thoroughly remove the ideological remnants of arranged marriage. Marriage autonomy is a right that young men and women, especially women, should have. In feudal times, they couldn't get it, and the women who fought for it were persecuted and discriminated as "widowed women". However, seeing from them the spirit of fighting for freedom, human rights and a happy life is indeed worthy of respect from future generations. If we don't criticize and eliminate the concept of female marriage integrity handed down from ancient times, it is tolerance for the remnants of arranged marriage. How can this make marriage independent and complete? How can we be safe if we don't commend the women who fought for the independence of marriage in ancient times and let the biographies of three obedience and four virtues in ancient times be filled with literature? The history of a woman like Xun Shi should be rewritten!

Selected from Walking in the Yard of the Ancient People published by Zhonghua Book Company.