Talking to children is to promote understanding, not to lecture or persuade!

The boss, the mom, and the kid. The boss: trying to cover up the mistake and teach the child

The mother: loving the child and caring for the child but expressing her anger

The child: loving the mother and wanting to eat candies but expressing her love by crying and screaming

In our daily life, do we also have the same problem of the external behaviors (the corresponding behavior)? In our daily lives, is it not true that our external behaviors (gestures) do not match our deep-seated desires?

Why do we do this? To protect ourselves! Protecting ourselves from harm, many things are chosen to be forgotten. However, some memories, although seemingly forgotten by the brain, are memorized by the body as well as by the emotions, the implicit memories we mentioned in our previous article. When we experience similar situations in the future, our body or emotions show these memories in an irrational way, but the brain processes things in a rational way, creating an inconsistency between inside and outside!

Recommended reading: the family has a child who is prone to anxiety, repeated practice to let him grow up in the company of parents

Think of couples who are sometimes like this:

Wife: 'Husband, that whoever received a Hermes on the anniversary of their marriage, yeah'

Gong: (head down to pick up the rice) 'Oh! Didn't you say you didn't need this when we were dating? These are just businessmen's gimmicks!

Wife: "Why don't we go to a good restaurant? I heard that so-and-so restaurant is good.

Gong: "If you want to order it! I can do it!

In fact, just a few lines of dialogue with seemingly simple, in fact, the bottom of the waves, the wife may have been thinking for a long time very much hope that Mr. said, Mr. may be thinking of all the old married couple, there is no need to spend so unnecessarily! Although the wife would like to have a romantic dinner or Mr. Some specifics, but Mr. may feel that you are happy with all the good I through with, but the wife may have been in the heart of the heart of the crush of the husband of a million times, angry, why this kind of thing to girls to take the initiative to mention ...

Why do people used to deal with such a way? Why is it so hard for people to say what their heart desires directly? Because this way can let both have a retreat, the atmosphere does not seem too awkward! But after a long time, will get used to wearing a mask, even their own do not know what they really look like!

The Satir Dialog is about teaching people how to have a deeper understanding of themselves, of others, of their parents, of their children, and of the part of them that has been hidden under the iceberg for a long time!

How to go deeper into your own iceberg and the icebergs of others through dialog: Deliberately practicing curiosity

From my perspective, modern young parents are in a transition period. The authoritative parenting of the past is slowly crumbling, and more and more parents are trying to move away from the traditional scolding approach to parenting, emphasizing more on love and respect for the individual; we are slowly moving from 'listening' to 'dialoguing'! However, the new way of raising children with love and respect has left us, who were beaten and scolded when we were young and grew up with no idea what to do, and the children are even more unmanaged, and their emotions come out and they start to swing wildly, so what should parents who are anxious and angry do? The beat down accompanied by deep guilt and self-blame (how can they not control their emotions?). Why couldn't I talk to my child properly? How can I teach my child to be like this, am I a failure as a parent?) The first thing I want to do is to make sure that I have a good understanding of what I am talking about.

That's what made this book so difficult for me! I read through the suggested methods, but realized: the biggest problem is my own mindset and emotions.

As we can see in the above story of Silver Candy, Ms. Lee is able to care for the child in a focused and harmonious way all the time, noticing what the child is saying outside of words, and gently checking back and forth. As the examples in the book are mostly in the form of dialogues, I would simulate the conversations between my child and me in my mind while reading the book, and I would rehearse our conversation patterns in my mind before reading the teacher's, and such a reading pattern often made me feel stuck myself! It's not the semantics that get me stuck, it's the logic behind the questions that Mr. Chongjian asks, questions that I haven't thought about asking? Or to put it bluntly, points that I haven't thought about for my child often pop up in the conversation and surprise me. I notice my shortcomings in conversations with my children: I just rush to solve problems, often in a didactic way! I was able to probe the motivations for my children's behavior with curious statements when I was emotionally stable, but when I was rushing to get my two children fed, showered, and organized in the kitchen to read and play with them each night, I was often unable to be at peace. Mr. Lee himself says in the book that it took him more than ten years from the time he started learning from Bateman to the time when he was really familiar with the Iceberg Dialogues! So, dialog is something that needs to be practiced deliberately.

Ms. Lee emphasized that you can start by deliberately practicing curiosity, because with curiosity comes acceptance, which is more relaxing for the child, and if you take it a step further and use curiosity to understand the child, it helps the child become aware of his or her own responsibilities, and that's the beginning of the change! Think of all the conversations we've had with other kids in our kids' kindergarten, where we've had less of an urge to lecture and try to solve problems, and where we've often been able to get information from other kids about their families (a big mistake), and then we get in the car and we can't even ask our own kids what they're going to eat for lunch. ！！！！

How do we deliberately practice satir conversations in life?

Here's the specific way the Traveling Woman herself applies it to her life:

Recommended reading: Last night, I pushed my child's head...a mother's regret

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