The first half of my life: from night to dawn, a dream chaser against the wind of conventional wisdom

When I heard Mr. No-Ring say that he wanted us to share our personal stories, I hesitated because there are some memories that I don't want to open up, and I can write them and put them openly on any platform, it doesn't matter if anyone reads them or not. But if I were to share them in front of a crowd, I would have a mental block, because of the pain, because of the low self-esteem, because of some unspoken heart factors.

But doesn't writing mean healing? For the past, I dare not face, cover up, how to talk about healing? In that case, I will never be able to reconcile with the past. I tried to let myself go, so I thought and thought. It's better to tell my story, even if, it doesn't have much value to share.

Everyone has their own story, and whether it's a good one or not, the one thing we can't deny is that, everyone's story is unique.

I also have my own story, whether the story is wonderful or not I don't know, I only know that the bitter, spicy, sour and sweet in one word. I also know that life, if it allows it, I really want to rewrite that time in my life when I was trudging alone in the muddy darkness.

But there is no if in life, no matter whether we are willing, what should happen, what should not happen, as long as it appears in life, will leave traces that can not be erased. Love also, hate also. That time is there, not to be left behind.

Life is like this, there are always some regrets so that we can not make up, but it is not such and such regrets teach us a lot of things? For example, growth, such as gratitude.

I am 70 years later, life has been half, I divided the first half of my life into three stages,

1, young people do not know the taste of sadness

2, if life is only like the first time to see

3, a straw raincoat rain Renpingping life

1)

My hometown is a village in the northwestern plains of Shandong Province. The first time I saw the company, I was in the middle of the night, and I was in the middle of the night, and I was in the middle of the night, and I was in the middle of the night, and I was in the middle of the night, and I was in the middle of the night. Later, my father was worried that my grandmother would starve to death, so he applied for a job transfer back to his hometown and became a village clerk.

After my father became the village secretary, our village did not have a starvation, and did not go out to beg for food, and then in the early days of reform and opening up, our village became the first to engage in sideline business to get rid of the rich village, therefore, was named the county's red flag brigade, my father has become a celebrity in the townships of the ten miles.

I was born and raised in such a family and spent my childhood and teenage years. I have three sisters and a younger brother, and my father, who was y rooted in tradition, was very strict with us, speaking loudly in front of him as if he were out of order, and although my father was strict, he never hit or scolded us.

The material scarcity of the times, fill the stomach is the greatest happiness, for childhood, in fact, I do not have too many memories, that time late for school, when I was a child, we did not have a kindergarten there, the old people said that seven years old said that the school is too early, eight years old said Baba Knotting inauspicious, generally nine years old before we go to school.

Childhood time in addition to go to the field to the pigs ah cattle ah sheep ah to pull grass, mostly in the joy of playing, went to school homework there is no pressure, often a word how many times, a question how many times. Parents never care. Just like this, unknowingly grew up. Now that I think about it, that was the most carefree time of my life. But it all ended after the marriage.

2)

Those who were born in the countryside after 70 years must know very well that the marriage at that time was still basically the custom of parents' orders and matchmakers' words, and the free love was just a plot in the movie. I have a friend five or six years older than me, she got engaged when her husband was 19 years old, engaged to go to the army, three years after the demobilization of home to marry, once a skinny boy into a bearded strong man, married two people actually who do not know who. It's unbelievable, but it's true.

My marriage is also matchmaking parents' orders. The young girl, which is not full of longing and yearning for marriage. But our marriage ended after 14 years.

I don't want to judge that I was once married, thought it would be a lifetime of long-lasting ex-husband, so far, the divorced woman to bring me this title is ashamed, is a deep inferiority complex. But I do not regret it, because the divorce is the end of the torment, is the bottomless struggle.

After the divorce of the inferiority complex, at least have the dignity, is justified to live out the human model, although after the divorce I spent nearly a decade to find themselves, well, now my life finally have a soul.

The ex-husband is an only child, loves to play, loves to drink, does not want to suffer, the concept of family is very light. The first thing I did was to get the money to pay for a new car, and then I had to pay for a new car, and then I had to pay for a new car. I've planted vegetable sheds, bought vegetables, raised chickens, raised mushrooms, ran insurance, and these are my own in the toss, my husband does not care about the effort to earn money, he likes to do business as a boss, but also because of the love of drinking and playing mahjong, the business is ten times nine times compensation.

Married for more than ten years, in addition to more and more external debt, the family home, but the ex-husband is still outside the fresh clothes, trying to build their own image of success, even if there is no money on New Year's Eve, the old man relief he did not have the slightest sense of guilt.

Married for more than ten years, the distance between him and me is getting farther and farther, finally, after he and I have more than one woman between us, I made a decision, we divorced.

Nice, divorce may be a relief for adults and hurtful for children. But, does an unhappy marriage have to be perfect for the children?

What I will never forget is the fear in my children's eyes every time we had a fight, every time he got drunk and smashed the house into a mess.

If there is guilt, it is for the child. I only gave my child life, but I couldn't give him a complete, warm, loving home.

I was divorced in 2009, although not divorced when many people said that my fate is bad, met even such a man, but after the divorce many people are also saying that I have a child and still divorce, the heart is tough enough hard. In the countryside, divorce is still dishonorable, there is no empathy in this world, many people can see you grey escape from the marriage, but can not see the pain in your marriage woe.

Before I got married, a sister-in-law in our village than my older sister-in-law committed suicide, her husband loved to scold her, that is, the more people more scolded her the kind of cold violence, perennial, this daughter-in-law character sheepish introverted. After she committed suicide, they said she was stupid. They said it was better to die than to live, but they didn't want to live, so who can understand what kind of despair it was?

But I can appreciate the helplessness of the lifeless, because I also committed suicide, I thanked my ex-husband to save my life, and since then I also live to understand that I can not let my children become orphans without a mother, even if the divorce is not understood by all, I have to live.

3)

I know very well that my family has no savings except for a bunch of foreign debts, so I am equal to a clean slate in the divorce. But when I went back to my mother's house, I realized what it meant to be a married woman who had nothing to lose and a divorced woman who had no status in her mother's house.

Although I know that my parents, brothers and sisters love me, but generations of feudalism has been deep in the marrow, not to mention that we are such an extremely traditional family.

In the beginning. I work in the county to earn 800 a month, my father gave me the rule to pay 200 dollars a month living expenses. This I can understand, but the father could not accept my child, his own nephew, this I can not accept.

The father thought that the child was from his ex-husband's family, and I was raising a child for others, so he always gave the child a face, which mother doesn't love her child? I have no choice but to live at home for four months, then take the child to join the sister in Jinan, from then on I became a foreign country drifted to the working people.

The ex-husband refused to take the support, I know, to his nature of the support can not come, simply do not want, my own child my own pain!

After the divorce, I refused to be introduced to other people's goodwill, and did not remarry, one is not out of the shadow of the failed marriage, and then I am worried about the children of the second harm. Moreover, there is a custom in our place. If the second marriage, two people as long as agreed, the same month to be married.

I grew up living in the circle is the rural areas, I can not avoid these customs, and a do not understand the person again into the marriage, I do not have confidence that I will meet the right person. Therefore. I refused everyone to matchmaking. This undoubtedly again made my father feel ashamed.

The first year of divorce in my mother's home in the Spring Festival, my father let me and my children hide in the house do not come out to see people. I know that my father loves me, and his heart is in pain, but he loves his face even more, and he's had a good life, and because of me, he feels ashamed of himself.

Whenever there is a New Year's visit at home, I drag the child into the house and don't let her go out, and the child is unhappy and asks me why, my heart feels like it is being pressed by an invisible boulder. I swallowed all the tears into my stomach, the old people most taboo New Year's tears, but only I know, swallowed into the stomach of the tears how bitter.

The life of a single mom is not that easy. Especially in a foreign country to fight, bitter a little tired a little tight hand can be endured, but there are times when they are bullied, once aggrieved, I called my big sister back home, and so I sobbed and finished, big sister said quietly: can blame who it is? The first thing you need to do is to get your hands on a new car, and you'll be able to get your hands on a new car.

When I heard these words, I felt like I was electrocuted, and the hairs on my body stood up, so what's wrong with being a divorced woman? I don't steal, I don't bully, I don't blackmail, I'm open and honest, I'm wrong there. But to whom can I say this? It was as if I was covered by an invisible net, feeling suffocated, but unable to escape. The big sister is right, I finally realized what is called prejudice.

I also instantly came to my senses, and from then on, no matter how big the grievances, I did not say anything to anyone. I'm not sure if I've ever been in a position to say anything to anyone, including my closest family members and best friends. I always believe that my family love me, I also believe that my friends care about me from the bottom of my heart, but what in the world empathy? To be able to understand you and support you is the greatest favor.

From then on, I changed my screen name to Flying Against the Wind. Life if there is no harbor to avoid the wind, then choose to go against the wind, as long as the brave, the direction of the wind, more exercise strong wings.

Just arrived in Jinan, a variety of discomfort, rent, childcare costs, food and drink, everywhere, spend money, the child a cold I can dump, then go to the market, I'm not to buy food, but to pick up the leaves, the good thing is that the child is in the kindergarten three times a day to eat. So I saved as much as I could. On weekends at home cooking I will pick out some tender leaves to the child to do alone, the old vegetable gangs I eat myself.

I remember the first time I bought meat in Jinan, I bought two dollars, and I was embarrassed to lie to the meat seller that I was allergic to meat. There is also a time to go to the market, the child saw the prawns very rare. I said to buy five people do not sell to me, so I bought seven, this is the first year of divorce children have eaten the best meal.

I came to Jinan to find a job as a housekeeper of the hourly wage, because this work time can be arranged by themselves, easy to take care of the children, and the wage is relatively high. In the first few years, I worked hard to earn money, even if the cold and fever I have not delayed.

Once, halfway on a battery car was scraped by a van, I was afraid of delaying the work, climbed up from the ground without looking at any injuries on the go, to the customer's home only to find that the blood on the legs of the socks are stained red. I was afraid that the customer would not let me do, secretly wipe the blood clean, wrapped in toilet paper, bear the pain, limping to finish.

There is a saying that some people have put their best foot forward just by living as ordinary people, and this saying has brought me to tears many times. In this life, I just want to be an ordinary person, do not want to be rich and powerful, just want to be stable, but, how can the sea of life be calm?

How many times I stood in front of the balcony window at night, looking out of the window, looking at the lights, looking at the stars in the night sky, I was in tears, loneliness, depression, the inner sense of wanderlust, how many times I asked myself, what is home? Crying enough, standing tired, look back and then look at the sleeping children, I understand, I am the world's children the safest home, dry tears sleep, tomorrow is a new day.

Keigo Higashino once said, the world is inexplicably unlucky people are many, are angry at fate, while turning anger into power to live. Those who can't defeat your fate will eventually fulfill you, and those who can't kill your bad luck will help you to nirvana again.

I always believe that fate will not be too bad for a person who works hard, ten years of hard work, life has given me the reward I deserve, the day is getting better and better. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good deal on the way to the next level. For the child's future, I let nature take its course, although the hope that every parent will have, but, as long as she is kind and healthy and happy, to be an ordinary person, life is not complete.

Ten years have passed, once a weak little woman, the face of life's challenges, single-handedly live their own into a thorny woman. Even though she has been hurt by life a thousand times, she still loves her as her first love.

I still believe in love, even if gray hair, this life can not wait, I will continue in the next life. My marriage refuses to be indifferent, there must be love for each other, there must be commitment, loyalty and companionship.

I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I didn't get divorced. I would probably be like a lot of women in the countryside around the potter's bench, walking endless smoke and fire and sweeping a lot of chicken feathers. For divorce, the feelings are really complicated, but, also really never regretted.

Writing is really healing ah, decided to write this piece of writing before, how many times to touch the deep inside those scars, still feel the pain, still can not help themselves tears. I was crying as I remembered, and when I finished writing the last sentence and drew the last period, my heart was as clear as the sun, and gradually clear up.

Thanks to the past, thanks to all the love, hate. I believe that everything is the best arrangement, and everything will slowly get better.

I don't know when I started, I developed a new habit, like to see the sunrise in the morning, get up in the morning and pull open the curtains, as long as the sunny day, see the east gradually bright, I will be in the balcony looking forward to the morning sun dyeing the skyline, and so on the sunrise spouting, the sense of power will make me a day to be doubled the spirit of passionate.

Speaking of which, it's time to talk about writing, I never thought I would be able to connect with writers one day, because writers are as far away as the stars in the sky in my eyes, I like literature, I like the freedom of the written world, a person's body can be bound, but the soul can be skyward, and the written world can give us the poetry and the faraway places that the real world can't.

The world of writing is not a place where you can find yourself, but it is a place where you can find yourself, and it is a place where you can find yourself.

Contact writing, but also thanks to the 2020 epidemic that made the whole world lose freedom of the new crown, once busy as a gyroscope in general, I was finally idle, the whole day nothing to do, I thought, why not take this opportunity to read more books?

So, I pulled some friends and family to form a reading group.

This is the first time I've ever seen a book that I've read, and I've never seen a book that I've read before.

After learning a month of new media, one after another in that platform published a few articles, writing confidence began to have the beginnings, but preferred to literature, I always feel that the new media is less something, and then recognized the teacher of the ring, then added her WeChat, but then never talked, in my eyes, the teacher of the ring like the stars in the sky so bright, unattainable. I silently pay attention to her public number, pay attention to her live, has been more than half a year, I have been watching.

Slowly found that the ringless teacher in the current era of knowledge payment everywhere talk about cash, such as a stream of clear water, she is real, not exaggerated on their own achievements, she is not over-ambitious, not quick success, she has always been the students growth in the first place. In the no-abstinence school, although she is not very old, but every no-abstinence school of people to protect into the treasure in her hand, this responsibility and responsibility, let a person respect.

I feel that the distance between her and me is getting closer and closer, and when I know more, I feel that she is like a girl next door, kind and lovely, and it turns out that the distance between me and the writer is not so unattainable.

In fact, although I like literature, but I am also clear about their own level, junior high school culture, without any writing foundation, only by love dare to do writer's dream? I don't think it's inappropriate to describe myself as a whimsical person.

But there is a poem I like very much: moss flowers like rice small, also learn peony bloom. Although I'm a little self-centered, but people in this life for their own love crazy a, is not also worth it? As long as people have dreams and dare to pursue them, the humble life will also become great.

I have always had a wish in my heart, my father has left the world three years ago, until the last moment of his life, he can not accept my single mother identity, I want to write a book, my father in the world I can not let him understand me, I want to use this way to comfort him in heaven, I just look forward to his reconciliation with me, this makes him not worry about his daughter, I do not want to see him in paradise again with the regrets of the world.

Originally, according to my rhythm. I want to enroll in this year's 90-day novel class, but thinking about it or walk into the school early. I want to follow Mr. Ringless to the death of writing, I think I can get the results I want.

Because I love literature, love novels, everything here is my favorite. 2022 has opened, all the past is a prelude, all the future is expected. I'm grateful to befriend every excellent peer, grateful for all the encounter, 2022 together.