Can someone give me a couple jokes?

1. When I went to work in the morning, the bus was very crowded, super people ah.

The second stop up a little beauty, followed by a man. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good look at this, but I'm sure you can. A few stops have not spoken. The little girl should be in 1.62 or so, I am 1.80. basically higher than her head. The girl is holding the kind of packaged soymilk. He stood in front of me, because especially crowded, the little girl stood in the middle, can not grasp the handrail, may be afraid of soybean milk squeezed and spilled, the paper cups filled with soybean milk high over the shoulder, but also from time to time to drink a mouthful. I hadn't eaten breakfast in the morning, and the smell of soymilk was too much for me to bear. She took a sip and then raised it over her shoulder to take a break. The straw is not far from my mouth, at most about 3cm.

After a while I really can't help it, open my mouth and sucked a small mouth, very light, the little beauty did not find, and then she took a sip of the past, and then lifted over the shoulder, I sucked a mouthful. This is not long, soybean milk should be gone, but I do not know ah. She said to herself: "What a world, sell soybean milk are cheating, load so little, not a few times will be almost finished." I almost burst out laughing. When she raised the paper cup to her shoulder, I sucked it as I was supposed to do, and as a result, because there was not much left in it, I made a "gurgling, gurgling, gurgling" sound when I sucked it. The little girl turned around, I was petrified, my mouth is containing her straw, stiff where, then that embarrassing ah. MB's, the idea of jumping out of the car have. The girl said: "What are you doing? I'm not sure if it's good or not. Do you want me to buy you a cup? See you wear so handsome not like poor ah." I: "........"

Now think of it still afraid of ah. The next stop small beauty off the car, around a few people have been looking at me, I self-deprecating said: "is my girlfriend, and I joke about it". I just finished my sentence. And the little beauty on the car together with the man spoke up: "What are you talking about, brother, soymilk let you drink, people you also want ah. It's my girlfriend, okay?" Me: "Why don't you get off?" The brother said, "She's here, but I'm not. I still have a few more stops to go. You're a little too shameless to drink soymilk, and there are so many people, so I won't say anything. My girlfriend you want too. It's mine, okay?" I said whispering, "It's yours, it's yours, I don't want it."

Just got to the station and I jumped off. I was so sweaty.

Too flustered.

Too tangled.

Too distracted.

2. Once I temporarily thought of going swimming, and bought a pair of cheap swim trunks in the supermarket by hand, because there was no other color, only red. As a result, I did not expect the swim trunks faded, I soaked in the pool when my lower body oozed out a wisp of red out, rippling in the water ...... an uncle swam past me, looked at my body under the red "blood", and looked at my bare upper body, a moment! The first time I saw him, he looked very conflicted ......

3. I heard a friend say that he was a low EQ boy in college, and finally met a girl he liked, and the two of them just started dating.

Once the girl was sick, the boy accompanied her to the infirmary to play drip flow.

Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, no movement.

The boy thought to break the silence and asked, "Is it cold?"

"Cold"

"Cold I give you cover?"

The girl blushed and whispered, "Yes."

Then the boy got up and 。。。。。。。。。。 and covered the dropper bottle with his hand.

4. I said that when I was a kid, I was always bullying my sister because I was a few years older. One night, my dad came over to tuck us in, and I realized that my three-year-old sister was sitting straight up in the dark, looking at me as I slept!

Why aren't you sleeping? Dad asked.

Sister hurriedly said: "Shhh! Keep your voice down, I'll beat her up when she's asleep!

5.

It is easy for people to be deaf when they get older. I remember when I was a kid at my grandmother's house, one morning my grandpa was going to go fishing, and he just went out of his house and bumped into the next family's oldest man. The old man said to my grandfather, "Fishing to go ah!" My grandfather said, "No, I'm not! I'm going fishing." Then the old man said, "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I was petrified. ......

6.

I wasn't paying attention to the dishes, and I dropped the bowl on the floor, but it was fine, it only fell off at the edge, and made a small gap.

Then I continued to brush the bowl. I didn't pay attention to my right hand, and it cut through the nick ...... broke

And thought, "Is it really that fast? You can break your hand. Then I tried with my left hand, also broke

Thinking: indeed fast enough, this bowl if used to eat Rice mouth soon miserable? Then nc, with the mouth to try ...... lips also broke ......

7.

A couple on the bus, the woman let a wolf touch, the boyfriend did not have any expression. After arriving at the station, the boyfriend grabbed the wolf off the bus, skilfully beat up after carrying his girlfriend long gone. A website poll to analyze the reasons. 75% of the people voted for "this kid is waiting for the skills to cool down ..."

8.

There is a baozi store near the subway station, and the business is very good, with a line every day next to a train ticket outlet.

Today I was there in line to buy buns to eat, almost in line when I heard the two men behind me say: Dang, so here is a bun store, selling train tickets it ...... ah, over there!

9.

On one occasion on the Dungeons and Dragons brush map ..... Half an hour passed suddenly on the loudspeaker out of a message almost thunder death me "Zhejiang XX mine attached to the students of the high school principal to hurry to run .....

10.

Buy a pair of gloves, the boss wants 35, I said 30 I have to, the boss did not comply with the 35, told a few back and forth refused to budge, I think about it even, gave a 50, he was very nimble to find me 35 。。。。

11.

In high school, our toilet had a door with a spring that could return to its original position, but it could only open inward, not outward

Many people have a habit of kicking the toilet door open.

The average person kicks the door at about knee height, but I have a classmate who practiced martial arts, probably to show off or to maintain his flexibility, always lifting his foot up high and kicking it at about chest height.

One evening, this person went to the WC, walked to the door, without thinking, lifted his foot on the kick

Our director of education happened to be conveniently finished, pulling open the door out

So our director of education was my classmates a standard positive stirrup, kicked back to the toilet.

12.

In the morning, I took my wife to do a maternity test, and after the blood was drawn:

Nurse: you 32 to get the checklist.

Wife: January 32nd or February 32nd.

I (weakly): February 1 it

Nurse (sweat): Yes ~ Yes ~ Yes ~

13.

The other day on the plane, on board and found next to sit next to a beautiful woman, according to the principle of pickup, I asked offhandedly, where do you get off?

14.

The cat pounced on someone, a new girlfriend, a girlfriend, I want to go to the girlfriend's home to visit, the girlfriend knows that his mouth is always dirty, so repeatedly urged not to talk nonsense, a person is happy to promise. After the meeting, a person answered freely, and did not reveal, the girlfriend's parents are very satisfied. After dinner, it is winter, girlfriend's parents also insisted on sending to the roadside, someone is quite touched, a hot head, blurted out "uncle, do not send, go back, see to my aunt to freeze that kind of forced!"

15.

Today, the boss asked me to delete all the CS in the Internet cafe, and I was busy all night. As for why I deleted the CS? Actually, it started like this. Today's temporary inspection by the Public Security Bureau had already gotten wind of the situation, and for several days I had been acting as a scavenger, driving all creatures under the age of 18 out of the Internet cafe. So when we watched from afar as the police uncles arrived, my boss and I were nothing nervous. However, it was a pity. When the police uncles had just stepped through the door of the Internet cafe, a group of people playing CS in the cafe were shouting excitedly: "The police are coming! The police are here! The police are in the dog hole! Brothers on! Finish them off!" Okay. I admit, at that moment, not only the police uncle uncle's face green, the boss and my face, also green horrible.

16.

There is an older woman around who did something very funny.

She has a cell phone and a small phone, one day changed a new cell phone card, a colleague asked her how many new numbers she bought, she said she forgot, so she used to change the card phone to dial their own small phone.

While dialing, she continued to chat with her coworkers, and when the phone rang, she picked it up and asked, "Hello? ...... Hello? ...... you talk, not talk I hang up!"

The colleagues present were all petrified.

After that, she pressed hang up, and then said, "Nervous, call and don't talk".

17. My wife went on a business trip and didn't come back for a few days.

In the afternoon, she secretly sent a text message to me during the meeting, and the leader of my side sleeps like a dead pig, so funny ah ~

The result is that the telecommunications problem, the middle of the night only to my cell phone.

I almost didn't jump down from the stairs at that time

18. I remember when I was in high school on the evening study hall, a buddy in the last row to sleep. Suddenly woke up, and then turned off the lights, then sleep. At that time, the whole class looked stupid.

19. I'm worried about the name of my future children, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to find the right name for them. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to get a good deal on a new one, but I'm sure you're going to be able to get a good deal on a new one. Yesterday, my mom said, the third uncle's cousin's child was born, called Chen Guanbei. Damn, the family is vicious! Third brother is trying to hurt me. But I just read Shengshi, and while I admire it, I'm secretly planning to call it Guanzhong. This can not tell the little cousin.

20. When I was a junior in college, once at noon and bf eat in the school cafeteria, people are super, it is hard to grab a face-to-face position, behind a couple sitting face-to-face, I and the boy is back to back. Suddenly the couple began to quarrel, seems to smack the boy rice buy is not good, I did not care, continue to eat happily ~ ate to hear a bang, suddenly felt the back from the hair to start good hot, by feel, a pot of spicy rice cover my head, I stoned for a minute ~ hot and numb, this time a man's voice quietly in my ear said: I'm sorry, ah, she would have been to smash me!

21. I have a friend, he said his college classmates, once to eat in the university cafeteria, then take the lunch box to hesitate to eat what good, the mouth read: in the end it is to eat chicken or fish, the cafeteria aunt urged him to hurry up and choose, he tapped his head and called that on the chicken it! The cafeteria lady froze for three seconds and gave him a sausage.

22. The big cat at home gave birth to six kittens, very cute, due to the newborn, have not opened their eyes, there is a kitten do not know why, always can not find it to eat the guy, or competition is too big, can not be grabbed. One day, the big cat went out to eat, I went to see, found that the kitten holding another kitten's tail in the suck ah suck ah suck

23.

Classmates told her middle school story. A boy was asleep on his desk in class and was discovered by the teacher, who was very calm: she was concerned about his classmates.

This is the first time I've ever seen a girl with a penis in her mouth, and I've never seen one before.

This one is really a scrubber. The teacher said, "I don't know if I can do this, but I'm not sure if I can do it," he said.

24. My computer password is: FUCK YOU, and then yesterday the boss wanted to use my computer, and then let me send the password to his cell phone ......

25. One day, a group of young people from an unknown background came to open a private room to celebrate their birthdays. The company's main goal is to provide the best possible service to its customers," he said. Asked not to Miss do not service, so sent a platter over the past did not bother.

After midnight JC comrades came to check. But I didn't think that this group of people actually in the drug. JC look at a bunch of young people, ask me we do not know. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do that, but I'm going to be able to do it. The first thing that happened was that the police were not able to get a hold of them.

A glasses man lying on the wall, limbs do swimming. JC went up and yanked him down. The glasses man: bull, I have become a gecko you can still recognize.

26. When I was in school, my classmate was particularly engaged

On one occasion, he slept in class and was found by the teacher, who said, "XXX, stand up."

I woke him up and said, "The teacher told you to stand up," but he stared at the teacher and said, "I don't want to stand up."

The teacher was anxious, and he said, "XXX, you're standing up!

27. New Year's dinner, there are a few tables with name tags, the rest of the people randomly sit. Then I heard a woman say: "You go to the front to sit ah, there is your nameplate." I instantly collapsed ......

28. There was a half-term exam, a student in our year section was caught texting in the toilet by the section leader, but he refused to give up his accomplices, and the section leader very calmly sent out a mass text message from his cell phone - "Come to the second floor men's restroom to get the answer"

Then ....... The accomplices came from all directions ........... The whole army was wiped out ......

29. In the same dormitory, a kind brother, especially flower, countless girlfriends, one night asked him: "Why do you like women so much?"

"I grew up without a mother's love, parents are always no longer around"

"Then you lack of father's love how to do?"

The man said something he would regret for the rest of his life: "I have you."

Since then, the man has received a great deal of love and care in our dormitory

2010 Joke Collection

1. I was chatting with my boyfriend, and when I was talking to him, I splashed saliva all over his face. Then he instinctively wiped it away with his hand. I was a little embarrassed, but I deliberately shifted my focus and pretended to be angry: "What? I don't like it," he said with a gentlemanly smile, "No, wipe it off!"

2. Previously, the school said to carry out a physical examination, to stool to do laboratory products, and then each person to bring a little bit to go ~ and then, there is an alumni ~ with Chow Tai Fook bag and box. Then halfway to the road ~ by someone driving a motorcycle snatched 。。。。。。

3. A girl friend, chest special small, we every day to eliminate her, one day she finally couldn't stand it, so they shouted at us: "I chest small how it, I follow my father, how it!"

4. Today, I took my family to Jinshan City Beach for a swim, mainly with my children to play in the sand. Being piled up sand in the process of the distant high platform lifeguard (conductor) with a tannoy shouted on: parents with children, please pay attention, please look after their own children, especially with their own children and other people's wives, please don't throw their own children on the side, I can see that!

5. That said, I have a female coworker whose name is Li Rui, and a male coworker whose name is Li Ruisheng...

(Readers add: also said China has a national policy called "family planning", Li Rui gave birth to a, and then the director of the Office of Family Planning out. Then there was a national leader called "****"!)

6. winter time with classmates to eat hot pot, after eating my first out, waiting for the back of the gang of students, I shine a SUV black glass pick teeth, and then rub lip balm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ rub complete hair, the car window rolled down, a group of people in the car to see me, a fierce man's face away from me super close to the ground, said: little sister, photo finished? We're going to drive!

7. Just went to college, because we are in a more chaotic place, so the dormitory a few friends to go to the market to buy a knife, in the dormitory is also good for self-defense, buy back when walking past a bank, just in time for the people off work to the money trucks carrying boxes of money, we thought not to let the escort misunderstanding, so that a buddy of a knife hidden in the clothes, and the results of walking next to that gun! The escort next to the kid a nervous knife actually fell to the ground, dang bang, civilized language, still can not forget the eyes of the escort to look at us, but also so far the first time to be pointed at with a gun. The first time I've ever seen a gun pointed at me, I've never seen a gun pointed at me, and I've never seen a gun pointed at me.

8. Middle school physics teacher lectured on friction electricity, said: when we take off the sweater in winter. Sweaters will be chugging. And electric light. But the summer will not be so. Why? Boys in the back: because summer does not wear a sweater.

9. My friend once got drunk, according to civilized language, he was in the toilet, his right hand holding a phone, his left hand pressed the mirror, and the mirror in the "inmates" look deep into the eyes, said: eat well ah? How's the prison regime these days? I'll try to get out as soon as possible...

10. Tonight mom and dad are not at home, I had to personally cook fried food, the oil poured into the pot, heard the bedroom phone rings, ran back to the bedroom with a cell phone, the phone while walking to the kitchen, to the kitchen to see the oil open, splashing oil everywhere, I was excited to throw the phone in the pot 。。。。。。

11. Hangzhou this side of some public transportation is more upscale, so the glass is boring, written on it: Emergency when cracking the glass. These days the temperature rises, the car is also relatively hot, the car and more people. The most depressing thing was that I don't know what unethical guy let out a silent, giant smelly fart on the bus. Then the glass was cracked.

12. One night, my parents came back from playing mahjong, and I woke up when they entered the house, but I was still confused. Suddenly my feet cramped up (I guess they were growing) and I popped out of bed. It was a blur of consciousness and all I wanted to do was take a couple steps to push the cramp down. I took two steps and couldn't hold on any longer, so I fell to my knees in front of my dad, scaring him. After kneeling down, I felt no more cramps, and then I stood up again silently, turned around and went back to my room to sleep. The whole process without a word, I guess my dad was petrified.

13. July 22, 2009, I saw a buddy on a BBS said: "TMD, the original solar eclipse is in the daytime, so I waited for a night in vain!"

14. Last time I watched CCTV a program, what name do not remember, I remember the beginning of a reporter at the train station to ask people: "Are you happy?" The reporter asked people at the train station: "Are you happy?", see people asked, someone said happy someone said no, and then asked a farmer ..... Reporter: "Are you happy?" The farmer looked at the reporter a few times, said innocently "I surnamed Wang" .

15.I perform theater at school. Before my one-woman show shone, I noticed a couple of girls backstage changing their clothes - so I ***high. The play was "Jesus Christ Superstar" and I was playing Jesus. I was wearing just a few pieces of cloth. So there it was, for all the audience to see: the shameful hard-on of Jesus as he was being crucified.

16. On the bus punch card is usually "tick" sound, and a student card, the sound is "tick, student card".... One of our classmates, a woman, rushed to take the bus, but did not bring money, the car came, anxious ... She followed the others in line as if it was normal, and when it was time for her to punch her card... When it came time for her to punch her card... she took her school ID card to the machine and shook it... "Tick, student card" in Mandarin. And she walked away. The bus driver was baffled on the spot, and after a few seconds .... The bus slowly started .... No one is willing to say more .....

17. The junior high school homeroom teacher likes to pick his nose. A self-study, the teacher came in to see if we have to do homework properly, after a tour of the circle of my neighbor to do the homework interest, while stretching his head to see him do the problem, while not forgetting to pull out the nostrils with their hands. Only to hear "pop" sound, the teacher's a black area of the boogers actually fell into the neighbor's workbook! The teacher should also be very embarrassed to stand there do not know what to say good, this time a huge thunder thing happened: only to see my neighbor slowly raised his head, looked at the teacher and said: Thank you for the Lord dragon grace!

18. On the computerized test, first wait in the preparation area, and then through a large glass door into the test area. After I took the test, I touched the door for a long time, just can not touch the glass, next to the kind teacher reminded me: "students, the door is open." .........

19. In the morning, I received a text message from an unfamiliar number: "Wish your sister a happy new year, the more you grow, the more beautiful!" I wondered for a long time, but I replied, "May I ask who you are?" Answer: "I am your sister, just changed the number!"

20. A naughty schoolboy was reading a comic book in a comic book store, when suddenly a middle-aged mother shouted on the street: "Xiao Ming, you're a brat who doesn't go home, and is still fooling around, and you'll be dead if my mother catches him. He threw away his cartoon and ran wildly.... He ran about 50 meters and said, "Why did I run away? Why did I run? I'm not Ming."

21. In junior high school, I was particularly passionate about horoscopes, and one day a few of us girls were discussing horoscopes with great interest. A boy came, I grabbed him and asked: "What do you seat?"

The boy froze for 3 seconds, murmured: "Meat made ah ......" (seems to be a bit of the same)

22. Zheng Xiding's daughter-in-law did not see her husband, they went to the house of the father-in-law to find. Seeing his father-in-law washing his face, he asked: Father, where is Xiding? The father-in-law was not happy and continued to wash his face. The daughter-in-law got angry and asked again: "Father, where is Zheng Xiding [washing*?] The eunuch was furious: he washed his face! (Some children in the South may not understand, the North "DING" refers to the fart)

23. Before the earthquake there are three new omens: <1> well water anomalies <2> livestock anomalies <3> Bricklayer rumors, but there are careful netizens pointed out that the second and the third duplicated! (Freezing...)

24. Every time the wife and husband quarrel, the wife will run to the toilet to stay half a day, such a number of times, the husband will have to ask the wife: "in the toilet to do it? Seems to be quite a relief?" Wife said: "Brush the toilet!" Husband asked, "Can you brush the toilet also relieve your anger?" Wife said, "I don't know, anyway, using your toothbrush."

25. A lady went to take snapshots. After taking the picture, she went to pick up the automatically developed photo, and after looking at it, she exclaimed, "How do I look like a monkey in the picture!" Behind the lady coldly said: "That's mine, yours will have to wait."

26.A man was sentenced to 12 years in prison and was quite bored. One day, he realized that an ant actually understood him, so he began to train it. After a few years, the ant could do handstands and somersaults, which made him very proud.

When he finally got out of jail, the first thing he did was to run to a bar, ready to show off his amazing ant. He first ordered a beer from the bartender, then pulled the ant out of his pocket and put it on the table, saying to the bartender: " Look at this ant ......"

The bartender came over and immediately slapped the ant to death, and then apologetically said to him: "I'm sorry sir, I'll get you a new one right away!"

27.A, B and C went on a trip together, and A caught a cold ......

At night, they all slept in the same bed, and A slept in the center.

In the middle of the night...A sneezes, and B C's entire face is covered with A's crystals.

B C: Next time, let us know ......

After half an hour, A: Pay attention...

B C sniffed and hurriedly burrowed into the quilt and made sure that there was no connection to the outside world...

As a result, A let out a A fart.

28. One day I went to the bank to withdraw money, thought there are still a few dozen dollars inside simply take it out, so the MM of the bank desk is very loud and very NB said: "Take out all the money inside!"

The bank's MM swiped the card, and then looked up and said to the loudspeaker, "There's only one dollar and fifty cents in there, do you want to take it all out?"

At that time behind a lot of people in line ......

29. One day, I (I male) just the school's collective bathroom bath come out, the doorway to the face of a quite bleached eyebrow, open mouth to ask: "Hey, inside the people? " I was baffled, a moment do not know what to say, and finally very difficult to squeeze out two words "not much." I was confused and didn't know what to say. The beauty also seems to realize what, silently walked away...