Treat yourself with gentleness, treat others with sincerity - "Nonviolent Communication" After Reading

When it comes to domestic violence, the first thing that comes to mind is "Don't Talk to Strangers", a drama that is still a "childhood shadow" that many people shudder at the thought of. The actor Feng Yuanzheng in the drama has also become the national "domestic violence spokesman".

To be honest, as a law-abiding citizen, I have always thought that I have nothing to do with violence.

As a daughter, I respect my parents, I understand the suffering of their generation and the helplessness of the modern society due to age, as a wife, I love my husband, the big things have been discussed and measured, the small things can be tolerated each other, as a mother, I love my child, accompanied by her healthy growth. As a friend, I treat people with sincerity, friendly and get along with everyone.

I don't think I've ever used violence in my life, but when I read the book "Non-Violent Communication", I realized that some of my communication styles have become "violent communication", which really hurt the people around me. Verbal accusations, negativity, judgment, no response, the export of dirty comments to their trauma is often more painful than physical pain, and wounds are difficult to heal, whether intentional or unintentional are violence, will make people become hostile, indifference.

For example, when I was cooking, my child came over to be naughty, and I would lose my temper with her: how to be so annoying, go to one side; Mr. always sneakily play with his phone when he is playing with his child, and when I can't bear it, I will say: you can die if you accompany your child for a while; my parents because they want to use cell phone banking, and I am too troublesome to worry about the damage to their money, so they will pay no attention to it. At first, I did not think these daily problems, often do not think. For a variety of reasons, we even specialize in picking the hardest words to challenge each other's bottom line over and over again. But I don't know, we are a spitfire, but is built on the pain of the family.

It turns out that violence doesn't have to be solved by force.

Dr. Marshall Luxembourg, a renowned American psychologist, discovered a way to talk and listen to people in a way that makes them get along with each other better, and that is Nonviolent Communication. He not only taught people how to get along with each other, but also solved numerous conflicts and disputes around the world.

Verbal attacks, verbal violence is often the invisible and most lethal weapon.

A good word is warm in three winters, but a bad word is cold in six months.

People who can talk always make people feel warm.

People who can't talk, always hurt people, it can make people's mood instantly fall into the trough, let the beautiful life fall.

At about 10 p.m. on the night of April 17, 2019, on the Lupu Bridge in Shanghai, a 17-year-old student suddenly rushed out of a minivan and jumped off the bridge. Their parents could never have imagined that one of their insults would ruin their child's life.

"Verbal violence can really turn into a murder weapon." Psychologist Wu Zhihong said.

This murder weapon may be hidden and not very harmful at first, but as it grows, its sharp edge gets sharper and sharper, and sooner or later, it stabs into a person's heart, or their own heart.

People are good at what they do.

At the beginning of human birth, the endowment itself is good. The nature is also similar, just after the different environment and the different education, the habits of each other to form a huge difference.

So what is the insurmountable gap between us and speaking well?

Dr. Luxembourg suggests that it's a form of alienated communication that blinds us to what's going on inside our heads, to what we're doing, and that creates a gap between our hearts and minds. Dr. Luxemburg believes that alienation is usually done in the following ways:

Moral judgment is the use of moral standards to judge people, and if a person's behavior doesn't conform to our values, then they are seen as immoral or bad. Just like the keyboard warrior on the internet, when it comes to things, without understanding the cause and effect of the matter and without asking questions, they stand on the moral high ground and bash others. This has caused a lot of pain for many people, and in fact, this is a kind of potential "violence", and even some people have committed suicide because of this.

In 1935, Ruan Lingyu, a famous actress in the Republic of China, committed suicide, and wrote only one sentence in her last words: "People's words can be feared";

In 2015, Yang Yuying, a Taiwanese artist who was selected as the 2014 female heroine of the House, committed suicide in her home by inhaling too much helium because she could not bear the insults of prolonged verbal violence;

In 2016, 28-year-old Yang Yuying committed suicide in her home by inhaling too much helium because she could not bear the insults of prolonged verbal violence. >

In 2016, 28-year-old actor Qiao Renliang, who ended his life due to chronic online verbal violence, was previously confirmed to be suffering from depression ......

"Language violence is really scary, it is not like violence, it will immediately produce harm, but language violence, like a knife, in the heart of the human heart to pull a hard one, this wound, some people can not get well in their lives." Hu Shenzhi said.

When you see these times, verbal violence is the most terrible hidden killer in our lives, it is said that people are not sages who can not be fault, even if they really did wrong, there are laws to punish them, rather than by the "keyboard warrior" can be arbitrarily determined.

We are accustomed to categorizing people as good and bad, and we believe that bad people should be punished. When violence occurs, people tend to ignore each other's true feelings and blame the other for the conflict. At least that's true of most of the roots of violence.

Comparison is one of the greatest sources of human suffering.

Comparison is ubiquitous, elementary school to hear the most is, you see who who's children study hard, secondary school: next door to Auntie Wang's children on the examination of the key high school, the university: the neighborhood small Zhang got into the civil service. When you graduate and work, you start comparing cars and houses and tickets. In short, where there are people, there are comparisons. This comparison also clouds our love for ourselves and others. Making comparisons can be very damaging to one's self-esteem.

Dan Greenberg once said, "If you really want to live a miserable life, compare yourself to others."

Smart people only compare themselves to themselves.

As mature adults, we are responsible for everything we say and do. However, when there is a disagreement, it is common for people to add the word "have to" in front of their words to minimize their personal responsibility. For example:

I had to watch the kids!

I had to work late! I had to get up early!

Using these words to minimize one's responsibilities creates a sense of powerlessness and can be uncomfortable and even seen as uncaring. If you replace "have to" with "I choose to", you might be able to get away with it.

I choose to watch my children because I want to be involved in every step of their development.

I choose to work overtime because I want to better myself.

I choose to get up early because I want a regular routine and a healthy life.

We can replace the language of avoiding responsibility with the language of taking responsibility. Maybe then our lives can change in unexpected and marvelous ways?

Because of our personal attributes, we often need to place restrictions on others, such as teachers and parents, to give our children knowledge and discipline, and to limit their behavior to a certain extent. But we can't force them to live the way we want them to.

All four of these communication styles can alienate people from each other, and even pay a terrible price for it.

Now that we know what communication styles are bad, let's look at what we should do to avoid these types of communication.

"Violent communication" mostly occurs when there is a conflict between an individual and a group, due to a misunderstanding of the needs of others. Then coercive or threatening language is used with the intention of inducing fear, sadness, and guilt in the other person. When "violent communication" is used in a conflict, it diverts the attention of the other person from their needs, feelings, and specific requests, which can cause the situation to fester and accelerate the escalation of the conflict.

"Nonviolent communication" is also known as love language, which means talking and listening with love after the violence has gone away, and can go a long way to avoiding verbal violence and the resulting communication barriers.

So what should we do when we encounter verbal violence? The first thing to make clear is not to be the aggressor. You can start by remembering these four elements: observation, feeling, need, and specific request.

There is a distinction to be made here between observation and comment.

The first element of nonviolent communication is observation. If we confuse observation with comment, the only point that others remember is the comment and refute us.

For example, if I'm too busy to leave my kids with my husband, but he's on his phone 9 out of 10 times, I can't stand it anymore: "You're terrible! I can't stand it any longer: "You suck! After I said that, Mr. returned to me with a sentence that still impresses me: "How can you be so vicious!"

The moment I heard it, I was dumbfounded, I stayed in place, I didn't know what to do, and my anger and aggression came to me, why did I become so hateful that I could say such a thing? In hindsight, it was because I had confused an observation with a comment.

"Observation without comment is the highest form of human intellect." The Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said.

At all times, the whole picture is unknown, without comment, and as The Great Gatsby says, "When you want to criticize someone, remember that not everyone in the world has all the advantages that you have."

You have not suffered my suffering, please do not accuse me of the road.

In psychology, there is a word called "projection effect". It refers to the fact that people often have an illusion, used to their own inner thoughts, see as a standard, to analyze and judge them, and think that the other side is also the same.

A person's greatest malice is to impose their own ideas on others, and malicious speculation, evaluation.

Often, we really can't empathize, but we can choose to be kind.

There is a distinction to be made here between feelings and thoughts.

The second element of non-violent communication is feelings. Sometimes it's not the thing itself that bothers us, but the perception of the thing. Take the example of my husband stealing a cell phone when he's with his kids, and analyze it in terms of thoughts and feelings:

A. Thoughts: I've said it a million times, and you don't listen, and I feel like you're not respecting me.

B. Feelings: I've said it a million times, and you don't listen, and I'm frustrated, tired, sad, and distracted.

When we say "I feel", we are often not expressing feelings, but thoughts.

I think "I think I can ......" would be more appropriate. might be more appropriate. Also when expressing feelings, showing weakness can help resolve conflict.

When we hear something that doesn't sound good, there are four common reactions:

Criticism often implies expectations. Criticism of others is actually an indirect expression of our unmet needs. If a girl says to a boy, "You never understand me," she's actually craving understanding. It's kind of like a couple's fight phrase, heh heh heh!

Unfortunately, however, most people don't know how to think in terms of needs. When communication isn't pleasant, we tend to favor other people's faults.

For example, if my husband leaves his off socks lying around after work instead of picking them up and washing them in a timely manner, I might call him a slob.

If we do not listen to the advice of our parents and elders, we may be accused of being irresponsible.

Suddenly think of a thing when I was a child, when I was a child I was a little introverted, accustomed to condescend to cater to others, want to eat snacks, want toys younger brother have, as long as I want to have a little something, my parents will teach me, you are a sister should let the younger brother.

As far back as I can remember, I always expressed myself euphemistically, thinking that my parents didn't care about my feelings, and now I finally realize that I never told them what I needed.

It is more valuable to be sincere than to be resigned. How painful it can be for someone to not be able to say what they need!

When we observe how we feel and what we need, we can ask.

First, clearly tell the other person what we want them to do. If we don't want the other person to do something, the other person may be confused or even cause offense.

Take my husband's babysitting incident as an example, as a child, mom's companionship is important, dad's companionship is equally important, and high-quality companionship is better than low-quality companionship. Right now, although I do not pay anything directly, on the surface he is watching the baby, but in fact the child and he each play their own,

The child wants to share her toys and happiness, Mr. is playing mobile games. Playing on his own phone under the guise of keeping the child company.

My request is that Mr. can put down his phone when accompanying the child, the game can be played later, the child's growth is only once, seriously involved in the child's growth.

Nonviolent communication is not a fixed formula, it can be adjusted differently according to different situations. In short, the essence of nonviolent communication is the understanding of the four elements of observation, feelings, needs, and requests.

This is not an overnight process, but it is a way of changing the way we live our lives, rather than a set of templates that can solve all of our communication problems.

Nonviolent communication allows us to see what our real needs are;

To heal our deepest wounds and to break through the thinking that triggers negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and anxiety;

To resolve interpersonal conflicts in a way that doesn't hurt; and

To learn to build a harmonious experience of life.

On how to speak well, Dr. Luxembourg summarized the following 5 points:

1. Listen with your whole body and mind

There is a Buddhist maxim that says: Don't rush into anything, stand there.

Not everyone listens attentively to what others are going through, and we are often in a hurry to offer advice, comfort or express our feelings. Imagine how uncomfortable it might be for someone who wants you to understand their situation to hear comfort and advice instead.

When a 3-year-old child covered in mud appeared in front of his mother, the mother must have been on fire, did not wait for the child to say two sentences, he interrupted him: "Can you save a little heart ah, just changed the new clothes ......". , blah blah blah said a lot.

But the child looked at his mother with an aggrieved face, the corner of his eyes with tears seem to have something to say, it turned out to be a child in the neighborhood to see his mother's favorite flower, want to go to pick it to give his mother. Looking at the child just 3 years old, the mother was ashamed, unable to speak.

Isn't it true that getting covered in mud doesn't seem so important now.

We tend to only see the surface of things, but not through the surface to see the essence. Listen with all your heart and believe in the power of listening.

To learn to love people, you must first love yourself. At no time should you ignore your own feelings, and it is most foolish to punish yourself with other people's mistakes.

A person is only capable of loving others if he loves himself first.

If you can't even love yourself, then your love for others others won't be well cherished.

When we are angry or feel angry, think about what we are angry about. There are usually four reactions:

1. Blame yourself. 2. Blame the other person. 3. Learn about your own feelings and needs. 4. Experience the feelings and needs of others.

For example, on the matter of playing on the phone while accompanying the child, I have said countless times that I am disappointed that he does not listen. He is also impatient. It's ostensibly a combination of the first and the second.

First anger drives me to punish others. I think he should admit he is wrong and be punished. This one is the reason for my anger.

In reality it's me who has to do the laundry, mop the floors, cook dinner, and the kids need their dad's company, not a dummy who plays with his phone every time. It falls into the third and fourth category.

At this point, if I focus on my own and my child's feelings and needs, and stop analyzing what he's doing wrong, I'm also noticing my own mental activity. His behavior may irritate me, but it is not the source of my feelings.

When our behavior does not satisfy our own needs, we experience the sadness of life and the longing of our heart.

The use of coercion in a general state of emergency is due to protection.

For example, a three-year-old cannot be allowed to touch an electrical appliance for safety reasons.

When defensive coercion is used, it is used to protect oneself or others, not to punish.

It is often counterproductive to try to make him realize the seriousness of the situation by punishing, for example, by spanking and berating him.

So the first step to expressing anger reasonably is to stop blaming others and focus on your own needs.

Gratitude in this context is gratitude from the heart, not gratitude with an underlying agenda.

Some companies appreciate their employees for their own personal purposes, to be able to manipulate them better, and even to be likely to make them resentful, so they are suspicious of heartfelt gratitude.

We sometimes hear someone say you this dish burned really good, you may think in your heart, that I next cook failed to do? Instead, you don't want people to praise you in the moment. You may think that the other person is saying this out of politeness.

Usually, when we praise others, we seldom reveal our own inner activities, and we put ourselves in the position of referee.

The most important thing in interpersonal relationships is sincerity, gratitude from the heart, treating people with generosity, you can leave a good impression without being overbearing, and the next time we face a compliment, try to smile and say thank you, it's as simple as that.

Such gratitude is neither arrogant nor false modesty.

Drucker, the father of modern management, once said: a person must know what to say, a person must know when to say, a person must know to whom to say, a person must know how to say.

Drucker's one sentence speaks to the essence of communication. As human beings with the function of language, we naturally have a need that is different from that of other animals. It is this unique need that makes communication so important in everyone's life.

Although Nonviolent Communication is a book on communication skills, it is more of a jack-of-all-trades.

It not only helps us to feel our own emotions, to appreciate our own needs, to listen to the inner voice of others, and to connect with the emotional ties between others.

This approach is not only applicable to couples and marriages, but also to workplace relationships, parent-child relationships, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships, and friendships.

May we all speak well.

Treat yourself gently, treat others sincerely.

To be gentle with yourself and to be true to others.