A sense of boundaries in traditional families.

At ten o'clock in the evening, the father didn't knock at the door again, but went into his daughter's room to curse. On the impulse of her daughter, she picked up scissors and pointed at her father.

He didn't realize his daughter's dignity. Some netizens commented: "My daughter has a separate room, why not lock the door?"

In fact, children in many families don't lock the door. Parents will open the door and slam it hard, demanding that their children's world be blocked and unimpeded.

This way limits and constrains children's freedom in the name of love. As we all know, the more introverted children are, the more disgusted they are.

There is a certain distance between people. Intimacy is possible, but it is not seamless.

This separation is not to create obstacles and doubts, but to create private exclusive space. This is the respect and trust of parents for their children.

The sense of boundary determines the happiness of the family.

Too detailed, actually very annoying.

Every time I walk into the bedroom and see the window on the right, I know my mother-in-law has cleaned my room again.

My bedroom window occupies the whole wall, and it is push-pull type, and only half a window can be opened at a time. On the right is my desk, next to the bed.

I don't like direct sunlight. I am used to opening the left window. Mother-in-law insists that the bedside where the pillow is located needs air convection, so even if I sit on the bed next to the table, she will close the left window and open the right window.

I know she is a kind person, but in fact I am very unhappy. As unpleasant as the wind in this season. Blowing, but stuffy, salty and wet. It is not only not cool, but also sticky and uncomfortable.

My mother-in-law and I live in two buildings opposite the same community. She has an accurate grasp of the weather trend. If no one is here, she will send me a message: "The wind will be closed at three o'clock in the afternoon. The window on the north side will be closed. " "

I always feel that there are staring eyes outside the window.

She is the key to my family. Even if I have told you many times that I can't use it, she will always tidy it up. She will wash my dry slippers and towels and tidy the cabinets on the floor, but it's too neat for me to find what I want.

On the top of the sunshade in the sun room, I opened and closed it again. On the toilet seat in the bathroom, I put her down and picked her up. During the summer vacation, I closed all the windows and drew the curtains because there was no heating in the room.

Our mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have a good relationship, but you can't be as close as mother and daughter after all. Even my own mother, I don't like her doing this.

I think my mother-in-law lacks a sense of boundaries. She doesn't seem to know that the mistress of this house is me, only me. When to open the window, which window to open and how to arrange things don't need her to decide for me.

Psychologist Henninger once said: "A good family must have a sense of boundaries."

Everyone is an independent individual. We have similar crossroads, but we also have our own borders and territories. Too careful care and care is actually very annoying, especially in private space. If we can't grasp the appropriate proportion, it is an infringement of sovereignty.

No one can tolerate too much enthusiasm, even parents. Whether the child likes it or not, it is a burden to arrange for the child to do it.

Excessive participation is control that transcends national boundaries.

"Discipline" written by Sanyiyi wrote: "90% of family conflicts are due to the lack of boundaries between parents. Excessive participation of parents will deprive children of opportunities to learn and grow."

There is an example around me: my cousin is my aunt's only daughter. She loves her very much, saves money and never lets her daughter be wronged.

(Screenshot of TV series "Little Joy")

But her love is impeccable. Growing up, she had to take part in all her cousin's activities. Every day, she asks about the details of school, what clothes to wear to school, who to make friends with and what happened at school.

My cousin doesn't want to take her classmates home to play, because my mother will definitely open the door of the room, sit among them, and then force the topic into it.

When I volunteered for the university, my cousin chose a university in the province and left there to work after graduation. She said kindly, "I can take care of you near your home!" " "

Someone introduced her cousin to her boyfriend. She must be strictly controlled in menstruation and carefully check her family, age, appearance, personality and overall balance. She couldn't catch the appointment, but asked to see their chat records and decipher the clues from the text.

My cousin lied to him countless times and then disappeared. Today, 30 people have registered, and Yin Ying is not married. Go home immediately after work every day, prepare meals and wash clothes during menstruation. Her life is like a little girl.

"I may live with my mother." My cousin told me reluctantly that she was used to menstrual participation and decision-making. After leaving her, she doesn't even know whether to wear a skirt or trousers to work tomorrow.

She is very grateful to her mother for her dedication. In my opinion, this excessive participation is precisely a kind of control that transcends national boundaries.

Wang Meng, a gifted scholar at Peking University, once wrote a 10,000-word book, accusing parents of controlling their children's wishes: "If the purpose of education is to control children, then my parents are outstanding role models. All their efforts are just to control the children. "

Like his cousin, Wang Meng lived under the control of his parents since childhood, but his menstrual expression was gentle, and Wang Meng's parents were despicable and had to intervene. Therefore, he has a strong rebellious spirit since he was a child and has not returned to China for more than ten years. There is no contact information of parents at home.

Psychologist Wu Zhihong wrote in his new book Giant Baby: "90% of people in China are still big babies in psychological mode, and the family relationship mode is that mother and son are born.

0- 1 year-old is the birth stage of children and mothers. Children have no autonomy and instinctively rely on their mothers, mothers and children. As children grow up, they must transition from * * * to separation.

However, in a China family deeply influenced by patriarchy, the blood relationship is too deep to be separated, and there is no such sense of separation. Parents often participate too much and interfere in their children's lives.

This * * * family is intertwined like a vine, fusing and blurring the boundaries of individuals.

This has two consequences. One is like my cousin, who can't wean herself psychologically and establish self-awareness by relying on her parents. Or, stupid, use strong resistance to escape control, love each other and kill each other.

Intimacy is ok, but it doesn't last.

Show Lo's love affair is circulating on the Internet. According to Zhou Yangqing, his official girlfriend, Show Lo's personal life has become extremely chaotic due to chatting, cheating and multiplayer games, which is really disgusting.

Show Lo's mother said indignantly, "Emotional problems should be handled privately. Grace Chow will destroy my son!"

But no one bought her account. I found that Ms. Luo is a person with no sense of boundaries. The intimate interaction between her and her son Show Lo makes people make a hullabaloo about!

(Mrs Show Lo kisses in public. )

Oral contact with adult children seems inappropriate, but some parents think it is a sign of love. Parents and children should be close.

(Mr. and Mrs. Hu Jun kiss their children)

In life, we can often see that boy grow up. He asked his mother to help him bathe and hug him to sleep. The daughter clings to her father like a koala, but she really knows how to avoid suspicion.

This is not to say that something as serious as obscenity and incest has happened, but that it is not a good thing to lose the sense of boundary. Too close love will confuse children and is not conducive to the development of healthy personality.

Children are not parents' accessories, they have their own privacy. Just because parents raise their children doesn't mean they can peek at them at will.

Pure red papaya sauce once said, "I think all adult children should move out."

Moving away is a sword of wisdom to cut off the family and a step towards growth.

In addition to adult children must voluntarily move out of their hometown, parents should also choose to let go as appropriate.

The writer Liu Yong raised two excellent children. His son Liu Xuan has a doctorate. Her daughter Liu Yifan graduated from the Ivy League School of Journalism at Columbia University.

As a child, Liu Yong, like other parents in China, took care of their children's daily life, but as the children grew up, he chose to let go and become a wise bystander.

Filial piety does not mean blind compromise. Leaving doesn't mean disappointment and giving up. The best parent-child relationship is right, grasp your own boundaries.

Finally, write down:

Parents have parental space, and children have children's freedom.

Parents can listen, but they can't interfere with their children's lives; When they disagree, they can guide but can't control, respect the children's choices and give their blessings.

Don't rely too much on your parents when you are young, or just suppress yourself to adapt and take care of your parents to limit your growth.

Parents leave gracefully, children start seriously, and let love breathe freely, which is the best way to get along with parents