The endless marriage grind and how women can properly deal with it

1

Relationships in marriage

My husband and I were first loves in high school. The transition from youth to maturity has taken a long time and a tremendous amount of effort.

What confuses me now is how to face the complicated relationships and traditional customs after marriage?

1. Why should we call each other's parents mom and dad? Why do we have to spend New Year's Eve at the man's house? The child should take the man's surname? Whose house should we spend New Year's Day at first, or is it a rotating system?

These old customs have their own background. But the situation is different now, with both men and women having to shoulder the pressure of houses and jobs, and no one supporting the other, so why haven't these customs wavered?

Nowadays, a lot of people are only children, all to the man's home for New Year's Eve, the woman's parents do not want to spend New Year's Eve alone? As a daughter, how can I be at peace with myself?

2. I only stayed at my husband's house twice last year when I got married and on New Year's Day. My husband felt that I was too formal, like visiting relatives. I admit, I was polite and formal.

On the one hand, the character is such that in front of unfamiliar people and environments, it is always very restrictive;

On the other hand, I really don't want to be too open, and I feel that it is a "betrayal" of my parents to be happy in someone else's home. I do have a hidden resistance and rejection of the other parent, and I don't want them to have a close relationship with me.

It's best to leave each other alone. Even though we press on with no entanglements or conflicts, this is why.

3, my family in the county, his family in the countryside. The marriage is still a very traditional marriage ceremony, although it is not something I aspire to. On the second day of the wedding, I woke up in his house with a sense of loneliness and felt really separated from my own family. It was so sad that I cried.

All in all, I felt very uncomfortable with the change in family structure and the complexity of human interaction that marriage brings.

I used to think that staying away from home would avoid these annoying problems. But soon we will be settling back home for work. Such problems are surely only going to increase.

I'm quite motivated and basically comfortable in my studies, at work, and in life. But when it comes to feelings and relationships, maybe I don't have a good example from my small family, and I'm really scared to face it, and I can't make sense of it.

Mr. Li Bo's answer

Honestly, when I saw such a series of questions, I smiled. It's as if I see a vain student with a small notebook full of whys, asking the teacher for advice, stubbornly trying to understand the ins and outs of everything, or else very unsettled.

I can understand the feeling of a young girl entering into a marriage, full of fear and confusion about her new identity, feeling that life has suddenly become more complicated and that she can't return to her former simplicity.

This is normal, and probably every married woman has to go through this, undergoing the psychological and physical transformation, and finding her new place in life.

There is a kind of "identity anxiety" in the modern world, a desperate desire to prove what we are and what we should be doing, and everyone is looking for answers in their own way.

But in life, it's not the answers that matter, it's the courage to go through, adapt, experience and change.

A PhD student from a science class isn't as good at dealing with family problems as a farmer's wife, and the lesson of life is examined in some other course.

It may be good for you to be so serious in your studies, but if you live your life with such a bookish attitude, asking why in everything, your life will be full of troubles.

Because the Chinese wisdom of survival is profound and different from any civilization. It has two sets of versions, one from the official and one from the folk.

And it is often the folk unofficial kind that really guides life. The laws of human interaction and the requirements of social customs are not written in books, let alone understood by asking a few more questions about why.

To master the Chinese way of doing things, to understand the Chinese people's own philosophy of survival, we have to enter the rolling red dust, in the boundless world of crawling and rolling.

This is the wealth that Chinese people have accumulated from generation to generation, and it is also the burden of Chinese people's forward movement, but no matter what, since you live in the current Chinese society, it is difficult to avoid the customs and codes of behavior of the mainstream society.

You can choose to be a closed-minded person or a maverick who scorns the world, but both come at a huge price, based on extreme egoism. The average person is not suited to choose such a life.

There is no such thing as absolute fairness in the world; we don't get absolute fairness, and it's even harder for us to create absolute fairness.

How to adjust one's mind in the midst of all kinds of unfairness and try to adapt to the requirements of life is the real test of a person.

So, if you want to find your own position in life, as well as to understand the responsibilities and obligations in marriage, you must first let go of the "resistance".

The so-called "resistance heart", I do not know if you have noticed, in the process of thinking about some customs, you are not only looking for answers, but more, there is a kind of potential resistance to these marriage customs.

You feel that these things are at the disadvantage of women, or at least unequal to them, and that marriage brings you all those responsibilities and duties that you reject.

It's because of this stance that your questioning is so confusing and condescending.

I've always felt that it's normal to have questions about any issue, but it's important to distinguish whether that questioning is part of an opinion or a stereotype.

Opinions and stereotypes may not look different on the outside, but they bring completely different results. Opinions can solve problems; stereotypes can worsen results.

For example, if the question of why the other parent should be called mom or dad, or why the child should take the father's last name, is seen as a reflection of a patriarchal society, women will naturally be resentful.

But if you look at it as the passing down of a custom in the evolution of society, it's a little more understandable.

Not call each other's parents mom and dad called what, we in the end is not a Westerner, can call the name of the parents, the Chinese so much emphasis on marriage, married not divided into you and me, parents should also share can not be too stingy it.

The child with the father's last name has been inherited for thousands of years, in this pen name stage name flying era, that is a code name, can explain what the problem?

Even in foreign countries, the feminist movement started earlier than in our country, and women have solved the problem more thoroughly than we have, and they have to take their husband's last name after marriage, so do you think it is discriminating against women, and does it mean that women are the appendages of men?

If you have to look at it that way, you're giving yourself a hard time.

There are places where the bride is allowed to jump into a fire pit when getting married, now this is a marriage custom with local characteristics, meaning that the days are red hot, but in the past that was the meaning of removing bad luck from the bride, implying that the bride may bring bad omen for the in-laws.

Do you think this is discrimination against women? It's a feudal superstition, isn't it? Should it be strongly opposed? But look who still remembers those now, and just happily fulfills a procedure in marriage, forgetting the meaning.

Many of our country's habits are like this, originated perhaps out of ignorance, ignorance, to with the development of civilization, and finally these colors gradually fade down, become a part of life.

If you put your mind at ease and look at it honestly, every nation, every culture, has come all the way from the birthplace of its own civilization, and is bound to carry its own characteristics and relics.

In the process of development, and by other cultures infiltrated, constantly supplement, change, progress, into our daily life in those customs and habits.

At the end of the day, we may have forgotten why we keep these customs and what they once symbolized, and we can only simply repeat them and be a practitioner.

It's not that traditions can't be changed, and it's not that they shouldn't be challenged, but you should figure out your motivation for challenging them. For example, whose house you spend New Year's Eve in is supposed to be a topic that gets chewed on over and over again.

Traditionally, most of the people who promote tradition are men, or parents with sons, and if tradition is in their favor, they support it; anti-traditionally, most of the people who oppose tradition are women, or parents with daughters, and if old traditions are not in their favor, they oppose it.

So more often than not, we are all on the side of those who have a vested interest in defending their own interests, and so do you. Today, if you are someone's daughter-in-law, you will say, "Why do I have to go to my mother-in-law's house on New Year's Day, and what will happen to my parents?

But if you have a son in the future and become a mother-in-law yourself, will you continue to support your daughter-in-law's return to her mother's home? Probably not, because you wouldn't want the miserable two to spend a lively New Year's Eve either.

At that point you'd be just as likely to choose the kind of social views in your favor to support your behavior.

Searching for your new identity and trying to figure out who you are and what you should be doing is valuable thinking.

But "identity anxiety" is a symbol of the fickleness of the times, when everyone wants what's best for them, but has little idea of what they should be paying for.

2

Marriage

I have always been a good girl in my family, I have a good job, although I am under a lot of pressure, but my income is still good, and I have been on a lot of failed blind dates.

Later and college classmates contacted together, in love with me quite good, and will not ask me to do things, two years ago we got married, a lot of problems, no children (I do not dare to want).

My mom and dad have a good relationship, my dad has a successful career and is very caring and takes good care of my mom. So I had high expectations for my marriage as well, thinking it was just so nice and harmonious.

I may have been spoiled by my parents since I was a child, and I was rather lazy. When I went to my in-laws' house for dinner, they all said for me to keep my hands off and I did nothing, so my husband said I was rude to his family.

Husband's parents also have a problem with me, thinking that I don't serve my husband well. I am stubborn and a bit of a top. Hubby says I'm not gentle, not like a woman, not pampering him.

Husband's parents are from the countryside to study out, both in the tertiary institutions as teachers. His family his mother is the busiest, the most worried, his father went out to listen to the theater to watch chess.

When he was a child, he thought his mom was the hardest worker, and now he wants to enjoy it as much as his dad. He loves to play games, the night is often a person I will watch TV, read a book, wash the bed, for this also made a lot of noise.

He is very proud of himself. In the home must be divided with me and his strong I weak to do. I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to do this, but I'm sure I'll be able to make it work for you.

When you have a fight, you think that all the mistakes are my fault, and you ask me to do the housework, but also to do a good job, and I have to wait for him, not to lose his face as a man.

At first he was the one who cooked at home, but now he doesn't want to do anything, he just buys and eats outside. He feels there is no way to communicate with me and says I have a strange mindset.

I also find it hard to communicate with him. Who exactly has the problem?

My parents are going to talk to his parents sometime, and I guess, it will fall apart after that, he is so facetious, and his parents are facetious, and his parents think that their son is so good and so precious to him, and think that I can't do it.

The teacher, do you think what I said is a big problem? When all is said and done, it seems like they are all small things. But why do people find it so hard to get through?

Teacher Li Bo replied

Teacher knows that you want to express all your current confusion, so even the chat logs of the two of you during the fight and the details of the conversation were sent over.

But what you need to know is that a marriage can't stand up to this kind of scrutiny, and a lot of what you say during a fight doesn't count.

When you want to analyze the nature of marriage, you must grasp the big and put the small, to find the principle and non-principle issues, you can not grasp the eyebrow and beard, and every detail is taken out to scrutinize.

It can also be seen that you are a very serious person, this habit to do work, make friends are very good, but if used in marriage, too serious but will lead a person to the bull's-eye, always in accordance with their own thinking to do things, the lack of accommodation and understanding of other people's ability.

The overall impression I get from both of you is that you are both decent kids who want to run a good marriage, but are not mature enough to do so.

The conception and expectation of marriage are different, and there is no *** knowledge of what rights and obligations each other should assume in marriage, which is exactly the first problem that couples have to face in the marriage bonding period.

Before becoming a wife or a husband, everyone has been the observer and learner in his or her parents' family.

Many of the patterns of behavior, including the positioning of their own roles in the future marriage, how to look at the marriage relationship, etc., each of these people are not the same understanding, are in the family.

Differences in how spouses position their roles as husband and wife are a major source of marital conflict.

For example, some wives are sad to find out that their husbands don't help them when they cook, because in her family the father often helps the mother to do the housework, but the husband is puzzled because in his family the father never cooks.

Contradictions arise when both people feel that the other is doing something wrong from their own point of view and are difficult to reconcile.

When a man is looking for a wife, he's either looking for a woman who is just like his mom, or the complete opposite.

If you think about it, isn't that the case? One of the main conflicts you wrestle with is who should be responsible for the daily chores.

And in your family the father is very capable and takes better care of the mother, but in his family it's the mother who does the work and the father who sits on the sidelines, and we all subconsciously agree with this pattern in our respective families.

Particularly he may have resented his father's laziness and felt sorry for his mother's dedication, but when it came to his own marriage, he still couldn't help but follow his mother's pattern and ask his wife to do the same.

This naturally creates a gap in expectations, and we all want to organize our married life according to our own wishes, so there is a stalemate.

You are both too well protected and cared for by your parents, and although neither of you is physically young, there is still a big gap between you and running a family independently.

He promised to take on some of the housework when he was in a relationship, but after a long time, he was influenced by the public opinion around him and his parents, and began to feel aggrieved, which is typical of an immature man.

You are also ah, lazy, not to mention, I'm also quite lazy, but unforgivable is actually no eye, do not know in front of the in-laws to pretend, people with you polite you are not polite, behind the back of the people to gossip.

You are not very enthusiastic about the small family, not really out of the scope of the extended family, their own marriage so that parents involved too much, there is a contradiction is also the parents to step in, which is very, very taboo things.

Making it a problem between two people, coupled with the involvement of both parents, it becomes like a group fight.

Marital integration is a relatively torturous process, and the so-called "integration", that is, not only to wear off each other's edges, but also to have a fit.

It is in the friction, honing constantly close, but also in the harmony and harmony in the continuous enhancement of feelings.

Don't be easily discouraged, have faith, the conflict will not be eliminated overnight, but believe in the power of water drops to penetrate the stone.

He is a bit childish, loves face, likes to listen to the good, such a man is very good to deal with, more use of the female advantage, flatter him, pampering, admit a mistake, he will naturally burst of self-esteem, feel very strong, guilty and you can not be bothered.

Don't reason with such a man, you have to know that reasoning this kind of thing in the two people have their own opinions will never have the effect of forcing him to be unreasonable, you are more angry.

It is said that women have the privilege of being unreasonable, the real meaning of this sentence is not that women should be unreasonable, but that women do not need to use the way of reasoning to persuade men, women have their own means.

Now it is imperative that both of you need to be more attentive to the small family, you can not be too lazy, the housework, the responsibility to do, the woman's control over the marriage is very often from pay more to realize.

To increase the cohesion of the small family as much as possible, pull him back to you, reduce the influence of his parents on him, slowly eat him, assimilate him.

No matter where a man's knowledge of marriage comes from, whether it's family life or his own imagination, it has to fall into a concrete marriage through the process of getting along with his partner to have an adjustment.

Except for those who are extremely stubborn and have personality flaws, most men will gradually establish the principles and boundaries of what two people can do together as the marriage progresses.

He will be in his wife's warning and help, more clear in their own marriage, what is the oasis, what is the minefield, and thus know what can be touched, what must be avoided.

Rubbing and compromising, accepting and changing, is a very important part of marriage.

One's understanding of marriage is only as strong and solid as the stages one goes through.

Everyone needs to surrender some of their power in order to gain some of their benefits, and no normal marriage can fully practice and fulfill all of one's needs.