Nonviolent Communication: How to Distinguish Between Observation and Comment for Better Understanding Between Two Parties

The Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said, " Observation without comment is the highest form of human intelligence ."

However, observing others and their behavior without judging, blaming, or otherwise analyzing is difficult for most people.

In Marshall . Luxemburg's book, Nonviolent Communication, the author argues that the first element of nonviolent communication is: observation.

This shows how important observation is in communication.

1. Requirements for observation: observe only, do not comment.

What are the requirements for observation when communicating with others?

We carefully observe what is happening and clearly state the observation without commenting on the matter.

This is because people who confuse observation with comment tend to hear criticism and may even become rebellious.

2. Distinguish between observation and comment, and don't just label people negatively.

For example, "It's eleven o'clock in the morning and Zhang Qiang is still sleeping" is expressing one's own observation.

If this sentence becomes "It's 11am, and lazy Zhang Qiang is still sleeping", it's a comment.

The person who commented on Zhang Qiang's laziness may not know that he was up all night yesterday revising an important business plan, and stayed up until dawn, and now he is making up for his rest.

The difference between an observation and a comment is that an observation is a presentation of the facts of the moment, while a comment is the feelings and thoughts that the facts make you feel.

Don't judge easily based on your own standards and understanding when we don't know the cause of the matter. Because once you label the other person negatively, it can easily have a negative impact on others.

For example, "Last night, my sister chewed her nails while watching TV." This is an observed fact.

"Last night, my sister chewed her nails while watching TV. She is a non-hygienic person." This is observing the fact and labeling the sister as "unhygienic".

Is the sister really an unhygienic person? Not necessarily. Maybe her fingers are sore and she's using her mouth to help ease the pain.

As you can see, overly subjective comments and arbitrarily labeling people negatively do not make our communication friendlier, but rather cause misunderstanding of others.

3. Use observation and positive comments to motivate each other and make communication full of love.

Observing with negative comments can cause dissatisfaction or misunderstanding to others. But if we use positive comments when observing, it can serve to motivate the other person and make the communication full of love.

For example, if you see that your child has finished his homework, and after checking it, you find that it is well done, you can praise your child: "You finished your homework so quickly, and not only is your handwriting correct, but there are no wrong questions, you're great!"

At this point, our praise is to have specific observations, the child in such praise, not only know clearly where they do well, but also feel a strong sense of love from it.

In communication, we must learn to say what we observe, rather than just evaluating, either positively or negatively, without saying too much.

4. Tips for distinguishing between observations and comments

Observations are so important, how can we, as listeners, accurately distinguish between observations and comments?

For example, here is an example of how we can learn to distinguish between observations and comments.

Example 1:

a. Owen is a poor striker. (Observation and comment are conflated)

b. In the last 5 games, Owen has not scored a single goal. (Observation and comment were differentiated)

Example 2:

a. Daughter spends a lot of money. (Observation and comment are conflated)

The daughter just got her paycheck last week and spent eighteen hundred dollars on clothes the next day. （

A narrative that conflates observations and comments is often subjective and can easily make the other person feel offended.

The authors point out that if we have words like "every time" and "had" in the expression, we may be expressing an observation. And expressions with words like " always" and "never" express what is usually a comment.

For example:

a. I watched Andy call several times, each time for at least half an hour. (Observation)

I don't remember you ever writing to me. (Observation)

c. You were always busy. (Comment)

d. She never showed up when she was needed. （

In addition, the authors point out that words like "often" and "seldom" can confuse observations and comments.

For example:

a. You seldom cooperate with me. (Comment)

b. I have organized three activities recently and you have said each time that you do not want to participate. (Observation)

c. He often comes. (Comment)

d. He comes at least three times a week. (Observation)

In short, the first element of nonviolent communication is observation, using a dynamic language that does not advocate absolutist comments, promotes observation at a specific time and situation, and clearly describes the results of the observation. Such communication makes it easier for the other party to understand and accept.