How to promote effective communication between grandparents and grandchildren in intergenerational education

How to win-win intergenerational education?

A year ago, on Children's Day, a nationwide "intergenerational education" survey showed that nearly half of the children in China grew up with their grandparents. Moreover, the younger the child is, the higher the proportion of living with grandparents, and the resulting family conflicts are also increasing. For thousands of years, China's traditional family education model-intergenerational education-has been widely questioned. Some people say that the current education mode will affect the quality of China population in the future. What happened?

The misunderstanding of every generation of parents

People are used to calling the close relationship between grandparents and grandchildren "intergenerational relatives". In fact, intergenerational education is a word with a long time span. In our traditional family, 0 ~ 3 years old or even preschool mainly belongs to the category of child-rearing, which is a period to lay the foundation for various psychological and physiological indicators of children's growth and development-the so-called moral, intellectual and physical. At present, the misunderstanding under the traditional parenting style of "alternate parents" is extremely unfavorable to the healthy growth of children. We might as well watch a few short films:

Mimi lived with her parents and grandparents as soon as she was born. Parents have to go out early and come back late every day. She grew up under her grandparents' knees. The doll is her little friend, the children's songs and music in the semiconductor are her teachers, and following her grandparents to the streets is her basic activity to understand the society. Grandparents are very old and faltering. So Mimi spent more time playing at home before going to school, and didn't really leave home until she went to school. Now Mimi is about to graduate from college, but there are still deep traces of intergenerational education: quiet, not fond of talking, not fond of sports, lacking the innocence and liveliness of the only child, and going home after class, she can't be seen on campus. This withdrawn character is related to her initial growth environment.

Scene 2 When Ms. Liu's son Jian Peijun was two years old, her mother retired and moved in. Originally, she was with the Mei Mei family. Because of the children's education, there were some minor frictions from time to time. For example, at lunch, Ms. Liu cooked braised prawns, saying that it was two for one person, and grandma said, "I don't like it", so she simply put her share in the grandchild's bowl. In the past, it was not difficult to drink water healthily. He took a few sips of cold boiled water. Hello, grandma, put sugar and fruit treasures. Jianjian shakes his head when he sees boiling water again. Besides, Jianjian can wear shoes and socks by herself, but she needs grandma to replace her, which makes Jianjian's self-care function completely degenerate. Ms. Liu is really a headache for her mother, so that her son will not be spoiled by her.

In a post posted by Sina Parenting Forum, user dsm0922 said: My son is usually taken care of by a nanny at home, and he only goes to his grandmother's house on weekends. At home, he is obedient and not willful. When I arrived at my grandmother's house, I learned some bad habits from my aunt's brother, such as crawling on the ground and sleeping with shoes on. Whenever I correct his mistakes, my grandmother always opposes me. For example, I said, "Son, don't sleep with your shoes on. Look, grandma's quilt is dirty. How tired grandma is washing the quilt. " Grandma will definitely say, "Never mind, let the children step on it, and then wash it when it is dirty." For another example, when my son was eating fruit, I said, "My son should wrap your mother in a handkerchief, or it will look ugly if you get your clothes dirty." Grandma will definitely say, "Nothing. Don't surround yourself, don't surround yourself. " In the long run, my son gradually abandoned his original good habits and developed many bad habits. Grandma also said to her son, "In grandma's family, grandma is the oldest, and both mom and dad have to listen to grandma." Two-year-old children have realized that the philosophy of life in grandma's family is different from that in their own family, and they can ignore their mother's words in grandma's family. Up to now, even at grandma's house, no one listens.

There are indeed some misunderstandings about "intergenerational relatives". The inconsistency of parenting styles between the two generations has led to an increase in family conflicts, which is an old problem. In all fairness, it is not entirely the fault of the elderly that the parenting styles are inconsistent. Haihai's grandparents are teachers. Since childhood, they have been very strict with the sea. They eat three meals and a fruit on time every day, and no longer feed snacks, so that Haihai can learn to clean the table, sweep the floor and wash small handkerchiefs. Haihai's mother secretly said to her husband, "Grandparents are so stingy and treat their grandchildren as little slaves." Modernist Hai believes that as long as the son speaks, everything must satisfy him. Although Haihai hasn't gone to school yet, she has been able to sense motive. He is sensible in front of his grandparents and plays tricks on his mother. This shows that intergenerational education should also be analyzed in detail.

Inevitable social phenomenon

At the gates of some day-care kindergartens in Beijing, many parents who pick up their children every morning and afternoon are old people. Occasionally I see one or two young faces, most of whom are nannies at home. The reason why the phenomenon of intergenerational education is so common in China is closely related to the current economic and social development.

With the acceleration of urbanization, the transformation of economic system and the rapid development of reforms in all walks of life, young people shoulder the dual pressure of marriage and entrepreneurship. On the one hand, they should work harder, keep charging, and strive for the success of their careers; On the other hand, we must take into account the happiness of families and the improvement of living standards. Therefore, when they are new parents, especially the parents of the only child, the serious shortage of time and energy has become the biggest problem in raising children. In this social background, although they have high expectations for the only child, they are still unable to do so and have to leave the child to their parents for care. This is the main reason why the phenomenon of intergenerational education is more and more common.

Wang Jisheng, a doctoral supervisor at the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences, believes that intergenerational education is inevitable in China. On the one hand, this is a traditional family model in China; On the other hand, social reality also makes intergenerational education essential. When young people in urban and rural areas are busy making as much money as possible, when the nanny is unprofessional and difficult to take care of in most cases, the children are basically grandparents'.

In western countries, from the first day of a child's birth to primary school, there are institutions dedicated to taking care of children at every age. These countries pay special attention to the education of children aged 0-3, and have very complete child care institutions. Employees must pass the strict examination of relevant departments and hold professional qualification certificates before taking up their posts. Professional parenting staff give children all-round care from life, study to psychology. With a perfect child care institution as a guarantee, their parents can work with peace of mind after their children are born.

Therefore, Professor Wang Jisheng believes that in the era of accelerating urbanization and the only child, it is understandable that people have high demands on their children. But the problem is that the quality of parents, especially parents of different generations, lags far behind the requirements of the development of the times and the growth of children.

In the face of this common phenomenon, especially in the early stage of children's education, how can we not only overcome the disadvantages of intergenerational education, give full play to the role of the elderly, but also make it easier for young parents to work and strive for careers?

Recognize the shortcomings of this problem

A year's plan lies in spring, and a day's plan lies in morning. For a child's life, 0 ~ 7 years old is a critical period for the formation of personal quality and personality. If almost all children live with the elderly at this stage and lose the opportunity to communicate with their parents and cultivate their feelings, if the special favor of "divorced parents" is allowed to overflow, it will have a very negative impact on children's physical and mental development. For example:

It is easy for children to form a self-centered, selfish and willful bad character.

Old people love their children very much, and it is easy to spoil and indulge their grandchildren. Especially when grandchildren are only children, the elderly will have more psychological scruples-in case something goes wrong, I'm sorry for the children, and I'm afraid the children will blame me. As a result, the elderly always rely on their children, protect them everywhere and put them at the core of the family. Children who make mistakes and don't correct them in time will often satisfy their unreasonable desires. In terms of eating, make "patented dishes" for children and let them enjoy special treatment at the table; Arrange everything in children's life, dress instead of children, arrange toys instead of children, feed instead of children themselves, even worry about children wrestling, and take pains to hold children up and down stairs. ...

The old man's various practices have caused the child's limbs to develop slowly, his ability to live independently is poor, and he relies on his parents everywhere. Everything is centered on me and the whole family has to serve him. Once he meets difficulties or his demands are not met, he will get angry and lose his temper. Excessive protection of the elderly not only stifles children's independent living ability and self-confidence, but also makes them extremely selfish, timid and fragile.

It is easy to destroy children's natural curiosity, adventurous spirit and innovative spirit.

Old people are easily bound by traditional ideas, slow to accept new things, relatively backward in education and parenting concepts, and their thinking patterns and lifestyles formed over the years are not easy to change. They want their children to be smart, obedient, steady and not out of line, and they are not good at guiding children in a scientific and creative way. Children are always eager to stop adventurous and innovative inquiry behaviors such as "disturbing" and "destroying" because of curiosity.

For example, when children catch a few ants to feed them, when children pull up orchids in flowerpots and see what the roots look like, when children take apart a toy car with great interest, their ancestors always stop to criticize them. Because, in their minds, playing with ants is dirty, pulling flowers is intentional, and a perfect toy car cannot be "destroyed". They think that these outrageous behaviors of children are bad behaviors and must be corrected immediately. Imagine how a child who grew up in this family environment can form a pioneering and innovative personality.

It is easy to lead to children's narrow vision, lack of vitality and psychological aging.

Most elderly people like quiet, don't like sports, and don't like going out because of their age. Children and grandparents live together day and night, which has long been limited by the living space and atmosphere of the elderly. What they hear and imitate are the words and deeds of the elderly, and what they say is the words of adults, which is easy to lose their naive nature. In addition, the lack of outdoor activities, on the one hand, small amount of exercise, lack of physical exercise, will cause physical weakness, illness; On the other hand, being locked at home with little knowledge and no access to new things may lead to children's narrow vision and lack of vitality, afraid to face strangers and unable to handle affairs by themselves. If it is serious, it will also cause children to be narrow-minded, stubborn, retreat, psychologically aging, and so on.

The best way is to foster strengths and avoid weaknesses.

In real life, intergenerational education is not without its merits. The Chinese nation has accumulated many fine traditions of family education for thousands of years, and many children raised by grandparents have made great achievements. At the running all the way Olympic Games 1 10 meter hurdles track, Liu Xiang, who won the championship, went out early and returned late because his parents were busy making a living. I have been fostered in my grandparents' home, and I have not only established a close relationship with the elderly, but also learned a lot of excellent qualities from them.

Huang Hai Bo, a professor at Peking University Institute of Child Psychology, believes that grandparents care about their grandchildren and like them very much. They have enough time and energy, are willing to spend time with their children, and can listen to their stories patiently. Grandparents have practical experience in raising and educating children, and they know much about what problems children are prone to at different ages and how to deal with them. Grandparents have accumulated rich social experience and life perception in long-term social practice. They believe that children should study and live in a pleasant and relaxed environment, and there is no need to force this or that. Facts have proved that children brought up by their ancestors have many good physical qualities and are better than other children in life care and security.

However, the ancestors' values, lifestyles, knowledge structure and educational methods are more or less different from those of modern society. In addition, ancestors must also have the characteristics of the elderly physically and psychologically. Therefore, intergenerational education will inevitably have some negative effects on children's personality development. The key is how to make good use of its advantages and avoid its shortcomings.

For young parents who play the dual roles of children and parents, they must take time out of their busy schedules to communicate with children and the elderly, and never give up their duties. As long as you pay attention, time can always be squeezed out. For example: play games and tell stories with children after dinner every day, and take them out for activities on weekends. At the same time, we should respect the elderly, often chat with them, talk about the new experience of scientific parenting, and accept their guidance with an open mind; Buy some books on scientific parenting, exchange learning experiences with the elderly and help them accept new things; We should not only show our attitude resolutely, but also discuss with the elderly patiently to minimize the confrontation.

Young parents must make it clear that they are the real protagonists in educating their children. Therefore, don't throw the child to the old man as soon as he is born in order to save trouble; Don't be afraid that old people will spoil their children, refuse to take care of them, and cut off the affection between grandparents and grandchildren. Whether living with the elderly or temporarily fostering children among the elderly, we should pay attention to coordinating the relationship with the elderly, take the healthy growth of children as the starting point, actively resolve contradictions and disputes, and strive for a win-win situation in intergenerational education.

China Education Pioneer Network

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