Psychology of love - "male and female opposites" welded you to the four doors of intimacy

1. Is there really such a big difference in thinking between men and women as "men are from Mars and women are from Mercury"?

2. What is the psychology of love trying to reveal?

3. Is the argument about the differences between men and women rooted in unequal status?

4. What is the criterion for judging whether one has met true love beyond three views?

This article will be divided into four sections according to the questions, with the theory of the psychology of love as the cornerstone, as well as the author of the use of psychological knowledge of the depth of exploration of the personal experience as a guide, in order to understand the perspective, to lead you to break down and dig out the answers to the above questions.

The gender difference between men and women seems to be a hot topic that people are interested in nowadays, and when it comes to this topic, there is only one book title that has been widely mentioned in my impression, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Mercury", which is so big and heavy that it seems to give many readers a misunderstanding in their thinking: men and women are simply people of two worlds, with no ****commonality, and they can't even communicate normally. can't communicate normally.

There is an example of this huge difference on the internet:

Many readers may take it for granted that women are looking for tenderness, stability and dedication in their relationships, while men are looking for short, unemotional sexual relationships.

Isn't this the best proof that men are from Mars and women are from Mercury?

But have many people ever considered, outside the framework of male fire, female water, the above example of male and female roles, this conclusion is still valid?

According to the two data, the ratio of male to female cheating is always at 2:3, and the ratio of those who cheat only once is roughly the same. Many people will think that this data is the fundamental evidence of male-female confrontation, but the data can show that there are differences between men and women, but it can't show that the two are completely opposite. The rate of female cheating is actually underestimated based on traditional thinking.

Of course, we're not comparing men and women in terms of what's right and what's wrong. What the authors are trying to say is that the difference between men and women in terms of desire for intimacy is very small, and that while there are significant differences between individuals of the same gender, the difference between men and women is very small on average.

Both men and women desire emotion and warmth in intimate relationships.

If you mistakenly think that men and women are two different worlds, there will be a huge blind spot and conflict in your daily thinking about communication.

So the question is, where did we get this idea that men and women don't think alike?

That's where the term "significant difference" comes in.

We will see this term in the readings, including "Male Water Female Fire" and some data analysis of the conclusions, and generally not accompanied by an explanation of this term, so we may take it for granted that: Significant difference means that the conclusions have a very big difference difference.

But in fact, when books refer to "significant" gender differences, they usually mean "statistically significant" -- that is, the difference between "significant" and "statistically significant". "Significant" has little to do with the size of the difference in the numerical conclusions (in short, even if they say "significant", the difference in the percentage of men and women who cheat is probably very small)

Now that we've corrected the misperception, of course, we have to look at the exact male-female data.

So now that we've corrected everyone's misperceptions, of course we also have to look at the exact male/female data, which psychological studies have found:

So gender differences in intimate relationships are not as important or as influential as the average person might think. There is a tendency to dramatize and exaggerate the differences between the sexes, while selectively ignoring the fact that the differences between individuals of the same sex have a much greater impact on relationship interactions.

Therefore, in order to have a good intimate relationship or even to find a suitable partner, it is necessary to have a clear mental construction: men and women are different, but not opposites!

But the problem is not over, for the intimate relationship that lasts half a lifetime, just do a good job of the above psychological construction is far from enough, many readers have done feedback with me, read a lot of books on the psychology of love, but it seems that, in addition to Stenberg that can not remember the theory of the love of the three factors, it seems that there is no practical thing, just want to sigh: read so much truth, why is not good at this life? The first thing I'd like to say is that I don't know what to do.

In fact, apart from this question, there is another question that deserves deeper consideration: how to guide others to live a good life after reading and understanding so many things?

In 2019.2.3 I wrote a similar article, about Simply tell you, learning psychology actually learned what?

In it I mentioned two key phrases: Cognition and Benefiting already and benefiting others.

And in these 11 months of exploration, I found that the initial summary is not perfect, if I say before I studied psychology, I was in a state of " read so much truth, why is it not good to live this life? "The first time I saw this, I realized that I had to reconcile with my family of origin and separate from them, and that I had to briefly rescue a friend who was y depressed, and in this series of processes, I found myself suddenly starting to consider another question from the perspective of a counselor: How can I guide someone to live a good life after having mastered so many truths?

What impressed me most was that a month ago, a friend of mine who works in Shanghai called me out of the blue, saying that his friend was in a depressed mood, in a very bad state of mind, and was actively seeking psychological intervention, and that he wanted to help her as much as he could, and asked me what I could do to help.

Realizing the seriousness of the problem, I spent nearly an hour of my lunch break communicating with him, conveying to him the points to note when communicating with a depressed friend: don't pressure her, don't treat her as a patient, don't show your own dedication and have high expectations of her. ......

I told him a lot about "what not to do", but after I finished telling him about "what to do", he was still confused and didn't know how to express himself, and felt that he had to be careful with every word.

At that time I suddenly felt a sense of powerlessness: I could solve my own family, save my friends, but in the face of the same in these circumstances suffering and pain, I can not save them from the sea of suffering. Later, that day's exchange turned into a three-person heartbreak.

That night I reflected on this result-oriented process, and found that the problem was that I had overestimated both myself and others: these heavy emotional problems themselves are not something that we non-professionals can accept and deal with, and even professional counselors do not have a full grasp of the situation, and forcing themselves to take over the reins can only lead to **** to the abyss.

Based on this experience, I have reviewed and reorganized the things that psychology has brought to me, benefiting from the already, and benefiting others. This sentence is risky, and will make the owner produce the "savior" of the illusion that is too conceited, and in the end, no one can save.

I have since redefined this phrase to mean: "See the world before you see yourself".

This statement also applies to the psychology of love to express the content, as a person who has had a number of relationship experience, I can from my past experience y perceived, not that experienced enough intimate relationship, you will grow, in the intimate relationship cognition did not break through their original limitations, do too much is futile. Intimate relationship is a process of mutual intermingling, immersed in which it is difficult to identify the correctness of the behavior of both parties, and even in the strong emotional intervention, the inappropriate transformation of extraordinary personality traits, these are very dangerous things.

There are also many couples around me who actually face a lot of negativity behind the apparent solidity of their intimate relationship:

It's as if we are unprepared to face some sudden events, because of the lack of experience in dealing with them, and the failure to see through to the essence behind the problem, everyone's first stress reaction is to reject and escape, perhaps rejecting the facts, but under the pressure of a long-term collision of two people Under the pressure of a long-term collision between two people, it becomes a case of starting to reject the person and hastily ending the intimate relationship. But the problem behind it is not solved, after the breakup is still in pain, still miss, still looking for answers to that situation, and limited by the characters, time and space, this intimate relationship will become your future hidden trouble.

The role of the psychology of love is to allow you to jump out of the current situation, calm down, split, see their own emotions, and then stand at a higher apex, from the biological evolution or the other side of the point of view to see and understand (understanding does not mean that necessarily forgiven) the occurrence of this problem, to make a reasonable and appropriate processing decisions, regardless of the outcome of the matter can be accepted by you and frankly face!

This is the first time I've ever seen a person with a disability.

After understanding these, one sentence summarizes: first see the world, and then recognize yourself.

Talked about the psychology of love enlightenment point, then we come back to the first part of the "men and women are differences, not opposites" to continue to speak, since I said before: there is a difference between men and women, rather than a huge distance gap. So what is the source of the "polarization" between men and women today?

On this issue, I have to start from my own (start storytelling mode)

In my sophomore year in 2017, I have begun to try to use the imperfect system of psychology to carry out in-depth exploration of the self-personality as well as separation from the family of origin, reconciliation, and delineation of the personality traits belonging to the family's influence, social expectations, and belonging to their own personality traits, and also in the process, I began to see in the surrounding classmates of the family's influence, social expectations, and their own personality traits. During this process, I began to be gradually "feminized/childlike" in the eyes of my classmates around me, which is manifested in the following ways: I like some pink/cute things, especially Pikachu; my clothing and daily dressing style tends to be more cute; my personal character tends to be more like a "caring sister" and so on. "

Initially, I'm not sure if I'm a good person.

Initially, I was worried that this situation was not a symptom of "regression" (regression: refers to people in the frustration or face anxiety, stress, etc., abandon the more mature adaptation skills or way, and regression to the use of early life stage of a certain behavioral style, to primitive, childish methods). (To cope with the current situation, to reduce my anxiety) But after a long period of life experience, I realized that I do not have anxiety or stress, but rather an authentic self-expression achieved by breaking away from the traditional concepts.

And in the process of slowly adapting to this way of life, I was also subjected to a lot of prejudice: I was considered a faker; I was considered Gay; I was judged as childish and so on. ......

These external evaluations can make you feel shaky about your position, so in order to avoid the discomfort of being denied, I made some adjustments based on the current state: for example, the daily dress at work and work, and the cute dress for hanging out with friends haha.

Adjusting from 2018 all the way to 2019, I slowly started to identify with myself and let go of outsiders' perceptions, and have the kind of life I think is more comfortable and happy now.

But I also wondered, what kind of breakthrough is this change bringing me? How should I define it and explain it to people I know well?

It wasn't until yesterday that I came across a definition of a term from The Psychology of Love: Sexual Identity Discrepancy, that I was instantly enlightened!

For example, the average person believes that women are more loving than men and that men are more powerful than women, and that the response is a sexual identity difference.

The best example of this sexual identity is gender roles, a culturally constructed, so-called "normal" thing for men and women to do. Men are supposed to be "masculine" and women are supposed to be "feminine". However, very little of what we inherit makes us manly or womanly, so most of our behavior is learned.

That is, it is socialization and education (not biological gender differences) that drives us to expect that all men should be tough and all women should be gentle.

I'm one of those people who has escaped the traditional socialization and has a mix of masculine responsibility, commitment, and physical fitness, but also more feminine attentiveness and consideration, a mix of "femininity". At the same time, I don't belong to the gay community, I have the original sexual orientation, and I don't belong to the transvestites, which breaks the concept of "sexual identity difference".

And nowadays, many of the arguments between men and women are based on the fact that they confuse "gender differences" and "sexual identity differences", which creates individual cognitive bias (cognitive bias is the ability of people to perceive themselves, other people, or the external environment, often as a result of their own or the contextualized situation), and that they have to be aware of their own identity. Cognitive bias is the phenomenon that when people perceive themselves, others, or the external environment, the results of the perception are often distorted due to their own or situational reasons. I'll explain this term in more detail later with examples).

Two days ago, I sent a friend circle, the content is as follows:

Then the comment area was blown up, which I am more familiar with a sister commented on the following, our conversation is as follows:

Here you will find a problem: So obviously we have the same choices in the past, why is the sister will comment on my immaturity? This is not a disguised way of talking about herself?

From a psychological point of view, her initial intention to buy the bag and later behavior is contradictory, she bought the bag before this behavior is a personal trait preferences, but also afraid to carry out will be felt immature, this kind of inconsistency behavior, called cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is accompanied by anxiety and even self-denial, and the way that she ultimately acted (subconsciously, she stood in an outsider's perspective and thought of "me" as the person she was in the past) was to affirm the immaturity of this behavior on behalf of outsiders, and to begin to evaluate the results of her past cognitive dissonance through this behavior. Through this behavior, she began to evaluate whether the results of her past cognitive dissonance outcome-oriented results were justified, in order to resolve the anxiety caused by her previous behavioral conflicts.

The reason why this phenomenon is projected onto the current situation of "polarization" of gender differences is that many people are influenced by their parents or the environment to achieve the gender roles that their educators want them to achieve when they are growing up, and the children who are educated in this particular gender will adopt the same gender roles when they grow up. The child who is taught this specific gender orientation will grow up to view the world with the same "sexual identity".

Otherwise, they will experience cognitive bias, and when they meet someone who doesn't conform to their notion of "sexual identity", they will experience a momentary conflict of anxiety, and in order to prevent that anxiety from escalating, they will make a choice without thinking: either to deny the way they have been for the past few decades, or to deny that person.

It's obvious which one to choose, would you deny your existence for the past few decades so easily?

But what many people overlook is that all choices are not just about right and wrong, and even if we don't understand or agree with them, we can still show respect and accept them slowly, whereas in intimate relationships, more people face what they think of as a "gender dichotomy", and choose to preserve their ego and retreat.

As the question deepens, you'll find that intimacy is not just about being compatible, it's about a lot of things, like the "sexual identity" that we've just talked about, which is the recognition of the self, which leads to the disapproval of the other person.

Again, what if we chose to make another choice: to deny the existence of the past few decades?

In contrast, a more serious problem arises, called self-identification (self-denial).

Most of us like ourselves, but some of us don't, and this is all part of our "self-concept," which includes all the perceptions and feelings we have about ourselves. Our self-concept includes straightforward factual knowledge, as well as our evaluation of ourselves.

And both of these aspects of self-concept (factual knowledge, self-evaluation) are closely tied to our relationships with other people.

In the context of the society we are in, our self-concept is trying to fulfill two different functions:

In a love relationship, things get better and more complicated, when people are picking a partner, they will definitely choose the one who can give them self-concept reinforcement, and if they can't realize self-concept reinforcement, and still force the transformation, it's called self-fantasy, which is shattered very fast once they enter into an intimate relationship. Once you get into an intimate relationship, the fantasy will be shattered very quickly. So in other words, we tend to like people who like us, at least for a short time.

In fact, there are two indicators of whether a long-term relationship can be stable:

Many people measure the first criterion strictly before and after entering into a relationship, but few pay attention to the second, which leads to a lot of domestic violence, cold violence, or even a poor self-concept of the fish can be easily screened, and then for a period of several years or decades of self-denial and mind control, which is more than the violence itself, but also more than the violence itself. This is something much worse than violence itself!

1. Men and women are just different, but not that exaggeratedly antagonistic, don't push yourself to the brink

2. The practice of intimacy is useful, but limited; the role of love psychology can help you stand on a longer-term height and angle to look at the problem

3. Understand cognitive bias, distinguish between gender differences that are biologically inherited, and sexual identity differences that are acquired environmental influences.

4. Maintaining the focus of intimate relationships, in addition to the three views, there is the strengthening of self-concept

In addition, there is also a biological evolutionary perspective on the evolution of modern monogamous intimate relationships

Because of space constraints, it will be put on the next week to talk about it

You want to know about me: I'm new to this, and I'm looking for a friend with the same interests as me.

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