May the parents in the hall have peace of mind and good health

Today, I couldn't stop tearing up when I read my writing friend Nangong Chenxiao's article "Years and Years of Rebirth". She wrote, sophomore dad unfortunately diagnosed with terminal cancer, after years of surgery and mom's meticulous care, God did not want, or lost.

"Parents in, life still has a place to come; parents go, life is only the way back."

In previous articles, I have written a lot of thoughts about death, from the initial fear of death and impermanence after the 2008 earthquake, to the subsequent years through related books, rich life experience and specialized practice of Buddhism, gradually formed to the death of the life and life of the concept of life, the lymphatic life, the fear of death is also slowly calmed down to the present day to the frank.

After experiencing four years of college from reading and life in the continuous exploration, the fear of their own death is not so much, accept its inevitability and random, so has been living a very free life, and constantly strive to close to their favorite things to do, the most loving life, if living every day are really feel happy and full, the end of the end and the impermanence at any time to come, and there is nothing to be sorry for.

The first time I felt extreme fear of my parents' departure was when I read a story by Ruan Ji in 2014. The four things that Jiang Xun most often tells about Ruan Ji are the long lament on a high mountain, the poor figure crying, falling asleep in front of a friend's wife, and a story that inspired me to imagine my parents' deaths in the chapter on cultural repression of eroticism in the book Six Lectures on Loneliness.

When his mother passed away, Ruan Ji did not cry at all. In the Confucian tradition, it is unfilial not to cry, and even if you use methods such as stabbing yourself with an awl, you must still cry, and in some cases, if you really can't cry, you must ask your fifth son to cry at the grave. In the mother's funeral, to come to the condolences of the guests are crying into a ball, Ruan Ji also indifferent, attracted the criticism of the people.

However, after the guests dispersed, his great grief suddenly broke out and he vomited blood from his mouth .......

This was his way of showing his sorrow. He sees his mother's passing as his own and his grief as his own, not a performance that must be performed in front of outsiders, wrapped up in cultural and secular traditions.

I can never forget the immense grief I felt when I first read this story, especially the moment when I read about the departure of his guests leaving Ruan Ji alone, and his pain to the point of spitting out blood, and I substituted my own imagination, weeping bitterly while writing beside me that it was completely impossible for me to imagine or accept my parents' fading away forever. It was horrible.

At this point, the tears couldn't stop flowing even as I knocked down these words.

However, such a terrible thing, my dad experienced years ago. I'm not sure if I've ever seen him in a car, but I've seen him in a car, and I've seen him in a car, and I've seen him in a car, and I've seen him in a car.

One day after lunch he instructed me to wash the dishes and then went out. The first time I saw him, I was in the middle of the night, and he was in the middle of the night, and he was in the middle of the night, and he was in the middle of the night, and he was in the middle of the night, and he was in the middle of the night, and he was in the middle of the night. But after a while, he returned home because of something, a door saw me crooked on the sofa watching TV, and grandmother in the dishwashing, a moment on the fire, specifically how to criticize me or whether there is no beat me can not remember, I remember that it is indeed very serious, terrified, as if they were reprimanded on their knees, and cried very badly, bawling the kind of that after that no longer dare to be in the house as what! "The first thing that you need to do is to get your hands on some of the most popular products and services that you can find in the marketplace.

At the time, my grandfather passed away soon after, my father specially took my grandmother from the old home to live with us in Shenzhen, hoping to give my grandmother the best companionship and care. Often listen to my mother and aunts mentioned that my father grew up being "spoiled" by his grandparents "youngest child", is the treasure in the palm of your hand, in the most materially poor years, grandparents can not eat their own food, they have to be left to their favorite youngest child vacation from school to eat. The first thing you need to do is to get your hands dirty.

Soon after, the grandmother also left. The first time I saw this was when I was a student at the University of California, Berkeley. At that time, I wrote in my diary, "Grandma left, and from then on, Dad never had a mom or a dad. I must be better for my dad."

I also realized very early what is "the trees want to be quiet, but the wind does not stop, the children want to raise but not wait for their parents", I finally no longer afraid of their own death, because of the formation of the death of life, every day to live the outlook on life, the death of will feel regret, extremely reluctant to do things, before it is too early to go to do a good job. Accepting the fact that my parents would eventually leave took much longer. And never think, how to be good to them after the ability to be very strong, but in each of their own current ability to express in a timely manner. A person's life will have many affairs, ideals, career, romance, creation, wealth, etc., but no matter how to increase, the priority ranking of life affairs, family is always the first, in addition to parents, brother, grandmother, and dearly beloved, dear friends, but also the most important.

When I was in China, I spent the Spring Festival at home every year, even if I had a travel plan after the year. Later, I went to work in Shenzhen and Shanghai, and often made the trip home during long vacations. Every time I go back, my mother said that the round-trip ticket to save, and later use the money in many places, I thought in my heart is, no matter what, every year, I hope to have a period of time to stay at home. After studying abroad, I went back for a week in 2019, and last year and this year I haven't gone back because of the epidemic and the border blockade. But the heart is always attached, often waking up late at night, thinking of the closest family, tears over and over again silent flow.

Father's love is like a mountain, mother's love is like water.

Dad like a mountain general to give me protection, rely on, solid backing and forever harbor. Mom is as silent as water, deep love are flowing in the day-to-day life of the management and care of us. They have never been hard to teach me about life, but they have been taught by example.

I have always been free, free, spontaneous, unrestrained, not be bound by any rules and regulations, not for any external judgment to change their own, the pursuit of a simple and happy life, the pursuit of their own definition of life, in every major decision in life, their own weighing of the pros and cons of the decision, but also their own commitment. Being kind and helpful to others is a habit that has been in my bones since I was a child. Because my mom and dad, are such people.

I think of a picture from elementary school. Early in the morning on weekends, my mom took me to sweep the stairs of the building we live in, from the highest six floors down all the way to sweep, early in the morning up and down the stairs to go out of the adults and children, to see me on the praise, I will sweep more vigorously. Sometimes, sweeping to the first floor of the mother will take me to continue to sweep the road outside the building, often also encountered the uncle and aunt of the sanitation, mother will take me, while and their family life, while continuing to sweep the ground.

This picture is really beautiful.

This is the first time I've ever seen a city like Shenzhen where people don't easily feel a sense of belonging, and every time I mention it, I'm very close to it, and it's also because I live here with such a warm and loving family.

And when the 2008 earthquake hit, some of the victims in the hardest-hit areas were transferred to the small town we were in, and my mom took me to volunteer with her. Once, after finishing her volunteer work in the tent area of the resettlement site, she shed silent tears, choked up and told me that she wanted to adopt an elderly person to go home and take good care of her.

There are so many warm and wonderful little things like this. There are also hours to raise my grandparents, grandmother, aunt, they are also very kind and fraternal, generous, treating people with sincerity and warmth, and they have been in contact with the people, all praise their character. They never said to me in words, you have to be kind, you have to do good; but always do so, by ear.

If there were any good qualities in our family, kindness must have been a very important bit of ****ness.

Then I met my current boyfriend, and was initially y impressed by his kindness, and his WeChat signature was, "Kindness is a person's best quality."

Mom later set up a new family, uncle is also very generous and fraternal people, the conditions can be considered solid, but their own standard of living is very low, there is no any preoccupation, just to mom, to me, and to countless strangers are extremely generous. My uncle has sponsored many mountainous students to study in college over the years, and his WeChat signature has never changed, "Goodness is the most precious treasure, a lifetime of use; heart as a conscience, a hundred generations of cultivation of more than".

There was a time before I fell into a dark valley of sadness. I've been to several cities and schools since I was a kid, and I've changed schools and moved several times, and I've been looking forward to having a home of my own, and being able to stop the experience of moving all over the place. When I listen to "I want to have a home, a place that doesn't need to be big," I cry.

Many, many years later, mom and dad separated from the road of life, each well, each living in their own homes, I in the distant southern hemisphere, but also with my boyfriend settled down. I began, with a lot of childhood expectations do not have to move again house. But countless late at night, from time to time, waking up from a dream crying, thinking of childhood expectations, not only do not have to move again house, and a family of happy and warm, the whole family happy love each other, there are mom and dad's care and pampering, and now there are different cities can go to live in the house, but, there is no home.

These words, never mentioned to them. I used a long time to get out of their own sadness, more intolerant of letting them worry about self-blame.

After all, if you ask me, what I want most is not that the family must be together. But the closest family members are truly happy and joyful.

To my parents, I only have a deep love and gratitude that I have never intimated.

Finally, I'd like to end this article by borrowing Nangong Chenxiao's poetic expression--