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Affection is a double-edged sword

Li Zi Xun

There is an article in Reader's Digest by Robert Kearney called "Mom's Skirt Tie": "When the boy was very young, his mother tied him to the skirt tie of her apron and said, 'Now you're not going to fall anymore.' The boy grows older every day, and he wants to leave his mother to see the sunshine and the woods and the river outside the window." "Oh! Mother, please untie my skirt and let me out!" But the mother said, "Not yet, my child, you are not strong enough." The child had to wait and watch his mother sing as she worked. Slowly the child grew a little older, and, attracted by the bright springtime, the noisy river, and the green mountains outside the window, he went out regardless. At that moment the skirt snapped, "Ah, mommy's skirt is so fragile!" The child laughed and ran out the door, a section of the skirt-strap still tied around his body. The boy kept running, rejoicing for freedom, for fresh air and crisp sunshine. He ran to the edge of a cliff, the splashing waterfall disoriented him, and he tripped and fell off the cliff. As he shrieked, he was hanging on for dear life, and it was his mother's kirtle that had hooked around the roots, "Oh! mama's kirtle is so strong!" The child climbed up the rock by means of the straps, and then went on determinedly to the new and strange world.

Kindness is like a mother's skirt, giving us intimate attachment, security and a sense of belonging when we are small. As they grow up, children gradually become self-aware, have their own unique emotional experiences, and make their own choices about how to live and behave. As children look to the outside world and step out into society, seeking rich friendships with others and identifying with new patterns of living or spiritual role models can seem a little more important than kinship. In fact, affection remains in the lower layers of human consciousness, like a cradle of the soul, soothing the weary hearts of children. Affection is the driving force behind children's psychological development, and three of the most important elements of the self are formed under the care of affection: the attachment experience, which produces the ability to love and be loved; object relations, which acquires dependence and independence and possesses the ability to trust others; and self-identity, which harmonizes low self-esteem with self-respect, and creates and develops the ability to do so.

There are times when affection can cause us trouble. The "mom's skirt" is too short, and it's easy to form "tangles" between parents and children. Children and their parents often trip and fall together, making children feel like they are the burden of affection. When children are hesitant to face the future, overly strong ties can limit their socialization and make them feel as if the parent-child relationship is controlling them. At other times, children project onto their parents the insecurity, frustration, fear, and hostility they experience in the outside world, believing that affection is to blame. In fact, children don't realize that anger toward their parents is sharpening their emotional capacity, and that learning to recognize, experience, release and manage these emotions is what makes a person mature. Look at nature, look at the fights between a baby tiger and its siblings and parents, and you know that little guy is honing his survival skills.

No matter how powerful parents are to their children, they are driven by love at heart, and hate is synonymous with love. The love of a child is so excessive that it brings the child into the realm of the self, forgetting the boundaries of each other, thinking that the child's problems are their own, and not being able to rest for a single moment in their hearts, which is a pity for the parents. Good parents can make good use of the skirt of affection, when it is time to put long, when it is time to loosen the loose, allowing the child to create his own new future. However, it is not easy to let the child go, and both the child and the parent have to experience the pain of separation. Out of fear of that pain, intimacy unconsciously creates isolation and misunderstanding as a way to fight the tangle of attachment and relationship. Mutual anger at the relationship becomes more and more apparent, conflict escalates, and separation is accomplished without even realizing it. We have to recognize that many internal conflicts have extraordinary significance, and the more powerful the relational attachment, the more intense the conflict between child and parent, or the separation never materializes and the child never grows up. Here we have to be grateful for the greatness of affection, which is always so righteous when the child needs it, no matter how many misunderstandings it suffers from the child.

Returning to children, many of their problems are a matter of growing up, and they may make age-related mistakes at every stage. However, parents need to remember: it's a child's right to make mistakes! There is a natural tendency in parenting for parents to not tolerate mistakes from their children, assuming that children who make mistakes are not good children. In fact, a child who dares to make mistakes is a very promising child; a child who can only adapt to success but not to frustration is, on the contrary, not promising. Affection there is another tendency, that is, parents think that the child must be strict management, do not teach not round. In fact, the child is like a small tree, give him time and space, he will naturally draw branches and become a pillar of the country. Waiting for the child to grow up is something that every pair of parents must face seriously. Of course, we have also observed that there are some parental relationships that are hurtful, and children are scarred by parental interactions. In fact, many of the early psychological traumas from bonding are still rooted in themselves, and the knots are always formed through the meaning they slowly give to them. As a result, we blame our parents for our growing pains and avoid the responsibility that should belong to us.