Is the relationship between father and son equal in China's filial piety?

Filial piety, the core principle of China's traditional father-son relationship, implies conflict and estrangement between father and son, inequality and poor communication, formalization and utilitarianism of emotional expression, etc. However, in modern society, filial piety is influenced by the one-child policy and individualistic values, which makes the relationship between father and son more democratic and equal.

China people have a special attachment to their families, and the relationship between family members is very intimate and subtle, such as the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and the relationship between brothers and sisters. Filial piety in the relationship between father and son is an extremely important part of family ethics in China's traditional society. Because China's traditional family structure is vertical, emphasizing the continuation of clan and blood, it attaches great importance to the relationship between father and son. "Filial piety", as the most basic principle in the relationship between father and son, has even become the core criterion of family ethics. This paper attempts to explore the cultural connotation of "filial piety" as a family ethics and its influence on the relationship between father and son by means of small-scale random sampling survey. Analyze the change of the meaning of "filial piety" in modern life.

First, the relationship between father and son and "filial piety" in traditional values

(A) the father-son relationship

To discuss where the concept of filial piety comes from, we should first talk about the relationship between father and son attached to the ethical principle of filial piety. According to cultural anthropology, it is the first possible change in human life to form a permanent combination between the mother-child core group of primates and a male-"father". The mother's partner assumes the role of a man, for example, providing food and labor needed for raising. As the mother's sexual partner, she shoulders the authority to discipline the children and the legal responsibility for them. Therefore, the father-son relationship is a kind of consanguineous interpersonal relationship established with the establishment of the mother-son relationship. Is one of the most primitive social relations. With the formation of father-son relationship, the roles of "father" and "son" also appeared. Roles mean mutual obligations and responsibilities. The father is responsible for the upbringing, safety, education and socialization of his son, while the son's responsibility to his father is reflected in the traditional China society as "filial piety".

(B) the meaning of "filial piety" in traditional values

The Analects of Confucius has such an evaluation of filial piety: "A gentleman's business is based on foundation and born of Tao. Filial piety is also the foundation of benevolence! " The essence of Confucianism is benevolence, and Confucius endowed filial piety with the status of benevolence. In a family-oriented society like China, we can see the high status of "filial piety".

So what is "filial piety"? Generally speaking, "filial piety" refers to the title of China ancient children's ethical behavior of kindness to their parents and elders. Erya said: "It is filial to be kind to parents." In the Analects of Confucius, Confucius explained "filial piety" like this:

Ziyou asked about filial piety, and Ziri said, "Today's filial piety can be raised. As for dogs and horses, you can keep them. Why not? " (Learning the Analects of Confucius)

Xia Zi asked about filial piety, and Zi Ri said, "Color is difficult. Some disciples do it, and some teachers write it. Have you ever thought that this is filial piety? " ("The Analects of Confucius for Politics")

The next day: "the father is here, see his will;" Father didn't. Observe his actions. It is filial piety not to change the way of the father for three years. " (Learning the Analects of Confucius)

Meng asked about filial piety. Ziri: "Parents only worry about their illness." ("The Analects of Confucius for Politics")

The above words point directly to the "filial piety" in the Analects of Confucius. To sum up, filial piety is not only to support parents, but also to be respectful, and to be obedient and voluntary when serving parents; We must also follow the father's instructions and obey the father's wishes; In addition, "filial piety" also means that parents should not worry about their children. So according to Confucius' idea. The connotation of "filial piety" has expanded from supporting parents to not only supporting parents, but also respecting parents and obeying father's ambition and code of conduct.

The first chapter of the Book of Filial Piety says: "A husband's filial piety begins with serving his relatives, ends with serving the monarch, and finally establishes himself." Here, filial piety is not only for parents, but also extends to "being a monarch" and "establishing oneself".

The so-called "being a monarch" refers to being an official as a monarch and showing filial piety with loyalty; The five permanent members of feudal society are "monarch and minister, father and son, husband and wife, brother and friend", and the relationship between monarch and minister is an extension of the relationship between father and son. In feudal society, it was argued that a monarch should be respected like his father. Therefore, "filial piety" is not only manifested in respect and support for father, but also in the loyalty of courtiers to monarch. On this basis, Confucianism believes that "filial piety" is the best way to govern the world. At the beginning of the Book of Filial Piety, it is written that "filial piety is the foundation of virtue, and teaching is born." "Filial piety? Be filial, be friends with brothers, and talk about politics. Is it also politics, is it politics? " That is to say, filial piety, by extension, is to govern the country, which is consistent with the view of "cultivating one's morality, keeping one's family in order, governing the country and leveling the world" in "University", and everyone thinks that the principle of governing the country and leveling the world is the same. The eighth chapter of the Book of Filial Piety is the rule of filial piety, which holds that the rule of filial piety can achieve the state of "the world is peaceful and there is no disaster and no difficulty". It can be seen that the meaning and significance of "filial piety" has surpassed family ethics, and has become a general plan for governing the country and the people, used by rulers, and one of the tools for maintaining the norms and order of feudal rule. After Emperor Wu of the Han Dynasty "ousted a hundred schools of thought and respected Confucianism alone", filial piety officially became the fundamental and powerful weapon for the education of rulers. This is one of the most important connotations of filial piety. However, because this article is devoted to discussing the influence of filial piety on the relationship between father and son in the family, I won't extend this point further.

So what is a "station"? -"stand on the road, leave a name for future generations, show your parents, and die of filial piety." In other words, we should have lofty cultivation, achieve fame and career, make a name for ourselves and be praised. Therefore, the implementation of filial piety, starting from serving parents, ultimately lies in realizing the ambition of self-cultivation. This also links "filial piety" with personal achievements. Therefore, in China society, just supporting and loving parents is often not enough. He also asked his son to achieve something in his career, have a good reputation and honor his parents. This is the best filial piety.

The connotation and requirements of "filial piety", from kindness to filial piety to loyalty to the monarch, self-cultivation and respect for ancestors, were further utilized by feudal rulers and became one of the means to educate the people and maintain the ruling order. In the feudal social history of more than 2,000 years, it has become one of the deeply rooted family ethics of China people in China's patrilineal inheritance system.

Second, "filial piety" in the relationship between father and son in traditional society

In the father-son relationship. "Filial piety" is a requirement for the role of son. In traditional society, "filial piety" requires respecting and obeying the authority of the father, as well as carrying on the family line and showing the family, thus contributing to family prosperity. It must be explained that although "filial piety" is aimed at "father" and "mother", the specific requirements are different. "The Book of Filial Piety" says: "Father and mother love each other as one." You should respect and love your father's filial piety, not your mother's, just courting. The author of this paper does not discuss the "filial piety" of mothers, but focuses on the "filial piety" of fathers.

Alienation and conflict

Because "filial piety" emphasizes the son's absolute obedience to his father, it brings the order of family relations, but it also inevitably leads to conflicts and estrangement between father and son.

In Chapter 15 of the Book of Filial Piety, I once asked, "Is it filial piety to dare to ask my father's life?" Zi Li said, "Therefore, if you are unjust, your son can't argue with your father and your minister can't argue with you. Therefore, when injustice happens, fight it. How can I be filial from my father's orders? " It is pointed out that if the father's behavior is immoral, the son should insist on persuading and stopping it, otherwise the father will be in danger and insulted because of injustice, which is the real filial piety. This is positive and democratic in Confucianism and is called the most shining part in the Book of Filial Piety. However, it was later "distorted and castrated", and Dong Zhongshu put forward the theory that "the monarch is the minister, the father is the son, and the husband is the wife", emphasizing the absolute obedience of the son to the father.

According to the above analysis, filial piety, as the basic norm of feudal law, inevitably conflicts with the individual thoughts and wishes of Zi. "Filial piety" and "filial piety" are always associated with "obedience", emphasizing the collective consciousness of the family and respect for the elders, but ignoring the individual consciousness. Fei Xiaotong once pointed out that in traditional rural society, parents have different division of labor in raising their children. The mother bears the responsibility of physical upbringing, and the father bears the responsibility of social upbringing. In order to maintain the dignity of the father in the family, it is necessary to maintain the separation of father and son, so the family is often "strict father's loving mother". The child has the plot that Oedipus hates his father. Malinowski once said, "Patriarchy is the root of family conflicts to a great extent, because it gives fathers social demands and exclusive rights". The relationship between Baoyu and Jia Zheng in A Dream of Red Mansions can be said to be typical of the traditional father-son relationship. And ... Fathers often think that his son is his "second chance to regenerate his ideal self" and entrust his ideal to his son, which will inevitably conflict with his expectation of self-development after he matures.

Therefore, the author believes that "filial piety", as a feudal family ethics, not only brings order to family relations. It also brings the estrangement and conflict between father and son.

Inequality and poor communication

Filial piety, a family ethical requirement, actually reflects the inequality between father and son, which leads to poor communication between father and son. In traditional families, it is difficult to have good communication and absolute equality between father and son. This inequality can be seen at a glance in the relationship between monarch and minister magnified by the relationship between father and son. Fei Xiaotong once defined the power relationship between parents and children as "educational power". And extended to the relationship between the young and the old in rural society. Because the father as an elder has more life experience than the children, he has the right to "educate" the younger generation.

In the questionnaire designed by the author. One question is: Compared with your mother, the mutual emotional communication and expression between you and your father:

A few, B a few, as many as C, as many as D and as many as E..

The results show that more than half of "sons" choose A and B, which shows that the daily communication between father and son is indeed less than that between mother and son.

In addition to the deep-rooted concept given by traditional filial piety, the author believes that "filial piety" is not only a requirement for sons, but also a requirement for fathers in the social orthodox value system. Traditional filial piety takes clan interests, honor and disgrace as the starting point. As a son, he should carry on the family line, be knowledgeable and achieve something, which is the responsibility of his father's education. I don't teach. It's father's fault. If the son is unfilial, it is also the failure of the father's role-playing. Therefore, with such a heavy social responsibility, a father cannot but put his son's kindness and prestige in an equally important position. Fei Xiaotong also described this point in "Fertility System in Rural Areas of China", arguing that "doting on children will be condemned by society. This pressure forces fathers to treat their children with a straight face in a patriarchal society. " This makes the father-son relationship always look heavier and more serious than other family relationships (husband-wife relationship, mother-child relationship, brother-sister relationship). Moreover, there are often differences in values between the two, and the result of communication is easy to be unsatisfactory. After several failures, equal and friendly communication will be more difficult, and I will not make more communication efforts, which brings difficulties to the communication between father and son.

"Formalization" inhibits the need for emotional expression.

The ethical requirement of "filial piety" may lead to the formalization of the relationship between father and son, which is not conducive to the natural and true expression of emotions. In addition to the above two points, the side effect of "filial piety" may also be the formalization of the father-son relationship, which makes the father-son relationship rigid. When Confucius emphasized "filial piety" including respect for parents, he mentioned "color difficulty", that is, it is the most difficult to remain cheerful and voluntary when performing filial piety. In other words, the bottom line he asks for is actually just pretending to be filial and respectful on the surface. There is no doubt that there is a natural emotion between father and son, so does this feudal ethics inhibit its natural expression, put a false template on it, and put the pure emotion that originally belonged to the soul on the shackles of social morality and mainstream? Confucius kept emphasizing ceremony and joy, emphasizing that order is etiquette, but ignoring people's true feelings and differences between individuals. It can be seen that rites and music are only a superficial form of expression, and so is "filial piety" as one of its important thoughts. According to the Book of Filial Piety, there are five needs and three commandments to serve parents. For example, it is required to be respectful and show happiness in daily support. Extremely sad at the funeral. In the last chapter, the chapter on bereavement, it is also stipulated in detail that if the parents die, the specific behavior and crying of the dutiful son must show his extreme grief and never produce a happy expression. The tendency of formalization is obvious. Is it necessary to cry loudly at the funeral to express your love and filial piety to your father? In fact, different people have different ways to deal with and express their feelings. These so-called "filial piety" are just for others to see.

(D) utilitarian color

The requirement of "filial piety" is utilitarian. As mentioned above, the highest state of filial piety is to achieve personal career and bring honor to parents and families. Then, if you can't achieve your career and make a name for yourself, aren't you a dutiful son? For a father, it is important to enrich his son's heart and lead a happy life. Or is it important to achieve something in material and prestige? The author thinks. The most important thing of "filial piety" is the mind, the expression of parents' feelings and the call of true feelings. Even if you are poor, you can keep your parents in your heart. A bowl of tea and a greeting are all filial piety; Even if he is rich and famous, can he be considered "filial" if he doesn't care about his parents, but only gives material support and appears to be filial?

Therefore, the author thinks that it is utilitarian to put the requirement of personal achievement into the requirement of "filial piety" and ignore the most important emotional attachment between people. This is more a means to educate people and maintain rule in traditional society, and has little to do with true "filial piety".

Therefore, in general, the traditional "filial piety" provides a stable model for the relationship between father and son, requiring not only "son" but also "father". On the one hand, it is conducive to the inheritance of social culture and the maintenance of ruling order. On the other hand, it ignores the son's autonomy as an independent subject, which is actually the embodiment of the inequality between father and son. Moreover, the natural and harmonious intimate feelings between father and son become dull and cold, which is more an outsider's behavior and an external performance (such as filial piety) than an expression of true feelings. It's somewhat utilitarian to ask for too many achievements from my son. I don't think it's a necessary performance of "filial piety".

Thirdly, the change of filial piety in the relationship between father and son in modern society.

The authority of "filial piety" is beyond doubt. But today, after experiencing the destruction of traditional culture by historical turmoil, the change of social and economic system and the influx of western ideas such as democracy and equality after the reform and opening up, the "filial piety" in the father-son relationship has also undergone some changes.

(A) the emergence of a more equal, democratic and harmonious father-son relationship

The unequal relationship between father and son has been greatly improved, but the father's demands and hopes still control his son's thinking and choice to a great extent. In the author's questionnaire, there is such a question:

What do you think is your closest relationship with your father?

A leader and led b friend c teacher and student d brother.

About 35% people choose "friends", followed by "teachers and students", and the least people choose "leaders and led". It can be seen that father-son relationship is more equal and harmonious. The article "China's father-son relationship is evolving" mentioned that "China's father-son relationship is undergoing tremendous changes. Single communication based on father is no longer effective, but more and more' good buddies' communicate with children like friends, which actually reflects the transformation from home-based to people-oriented. That is, from emphasizing that individuals should obey the family to advocating the independence of personal consciousness. "

It can be said that the strengthening of individual consciousness is obvious. The phenomenon of equality, democracy and self-reliance has emerged between generations, which is manifested in the younger generation's decision on marriage and career choice.

However, about 40% people choose to "give more consideration to their father's hopes and ideas when facing life choices", and about 30% people choose to "listen to their father's words and follow his wishes as much as possible", which shows that the influence of his father's authority on his son is self-evident. Father is still an extremely important reference for his son to make life choices. Although we don't follow our father's thoughts and actions as Confucius said before, father and family have very different meanings to China people. "China people are more homesick than any other cultural circle. In the hearts of China people, home is the harbor of the soul, where you can get comfort and support. " The father's support is undoubtedly the most important spiritual pillar for his son. When considering problems, he will be greatly influenced by the advice of his family, especially his father.

The increase of nuclear families has brought the relationship between father and son closer.

The phenomenon of increasing nuclear families has appeared in both rural and urban areas. The author thinks that in many families, it is mostly because of the gradual trend of "separation", especially in rural areas, which makes the traditional backbone families and joint family split into nuclear families, while in cities, it is mainly because of the one-child policy of family planning that the number of nuclear families increases. But in either case, the appearance of nuclear family has promoted the change of traditional father-son relationship.

1. For the main family or joint family, it seems that the son's possession and domination of family fortune's rights and freedom of personal choice have weakened his father's power and status, but as Yan Yunxiang pointed out, the core of contemporary rural families has not weakened the close ties between family members and relatives in ethics, emotion and mutual assistance. On the contrary, these connections have been strengthened after separation, thus forming a loose and lasting "network family". This is mainly because children, as parents, began to really understand the hardships and difficulties of their parents after they formed a small family. As the saying goes, "parents are grateful when they have children", while rural children often leave their children to their parents to raise because they often go out to work. Parents are willing to take good care of their grandchildren out of love for their children, which makes the intergenerational relationship closer and the father-son relationship more harmonious, equal and intimate.

2. In the statistical analysis of the questionnaire, the author found that the family planning policy has a great influence on the change of "filial piety" in the father-son relationship. In the open question of "the relationship between oneself and father, the difference between father and grandfather", many interviewees mentioned that because their generation is an only child, the relationship between father and son is relatively different. The article "The relationship between father and son is evolving in China" mentioned that "the small family model in the one-child era reduces the communication cost between parents and children, and parents have the energy to pay attention to their children's psychological state and spiritual needs". In addition, the author thinks that the one-child policy increases the communication opportunities between father and son, and the father's love for his son is even worse. A typical nuclear family consists of father, mother and son, that is, two men and one woman. When a boy is young, he may be closer to his mother, but because he is an only child. Father's love and attention to him will not be less. When he enters adolescence until adulthood, his father will become a male role model in his growing up. This is something my mother can't give. So it is obvious that the relationship between father and son is closer and more harmonious.

(C) Individualistic values challenge traditional filial piety

The protagonist "Fan Paopao Event" in Wenchuan earthquake once said: "At this moment of life and death choice. Only for my daughter can I consider sacrificing myself, and others, even my mother, will not care in this case. " Fan Paopao's remarks, to some extent, reflect the conflict between China's traditional collectivism and the current individualism. This conflict is specific to the family, and it can also be reflected in the fact that the traditional value of "filial piety" has reduced its binding force. Will the "sons" now attach so much importance to filial piety and put their father in the supreme position? This is worth discussing.

Four. conclusion

Generally speaking, the concept of "filial piety" in modern father-son relationship will be more humanized. It is a general trend that the relationship between father and son will become more and more intimate and harmonious, which is related to the trend of the core of social family structure and the continuous enhancement of personal self-awareness. I hope that in the communication within the family, we can further break the definition of stereotype and make the relationship between members more natural and intimate; At the same time, the content of filial piety is reasonably transformed and added and subtracted. It is necessary to continue the excellent cultural tradition of "filial piety" of the Chinese nation; Facing the challenge of individualism and other values, China's traditional values are all facing their own difficulties, but "filial piety" is an excellent cultural tradition of the nation. Give up the repression of his son's personality. And the hidden unequal power relations should be passed down continuously, which is of great positive significance to the healthy growth of teenagers and the happy old age of the elderly.