Male perspective analysis: how couples are drifting apart?

Male perspective: How do couples drift apart?

1, heard a lot of people's stories, the beginning of the story is often a happy marriage, family, but always in the middle of a certain stage of the situation their story is probably like this. When they first got married, the man was especially good to his wife, and the wife felt especially happy and her husband especially loved her. In such a state of relationship, it is inevitable that the two have some stumbling blocks.

For example, the wife and husband complained that: "Our company's system is too perverse, late one minute deducted ten dollars, who has not been an emergency ah, if there is something delayed for a few minutes, the whole day are doing nothing ah," the man listened to said: "a company is very important to the management of personnel, this system it It is definitely necessary to have ah, it does not matter, we get up a little early, not late on the good.

The wife felt that her husband was not on his side at all, and couldn't help but complain: "I don't know how to get up early? But also you say? It must have how, there can be no humane, buckle so much?" Look at his wife's mood is a bit wrong, the husband muttered a few words: "I just give you a suggestion, and then again I did not say wrong, deducted more how, that is the rules of others.

After this sentence, the wife was a little anxious: "You talk to outsiders, I still am not your wife?" The man did not want to quarrel with her, so he simply did not say anything. Wife gas dissipated, will also think, I am not a little too much, will take the initiative to coax the man, ease the relationship, this thing even in the past.

After a period of time, there will still be some of these small conflicts, the man began most of the time in silence, listening to each other complaining, listening to the boredom of simply run to another room to sleep, and so the wife gas canceled, the two people and "back to good". Two people good time, who feel very happy, but with the two people quarrel more and more often, the man became more and more impatient, feel that his wife every time to find things, over and over again is always the case, they really do not know how to get along with her.

The wife noticed his change and would say, "I don't think you care about me now." Every time he hears this, the man feels that the other side is picking at him, and starts to pick at her, "Why are you doing so much...

This is the first time I've ever seen a wife who has been in the middle of a fight. The two started another round of quarrels, blaming each other. Later, every time you bring up a fight, the wife will no longer mention it, the man does not take the initiative to talk to his wife, late to come home and no longer call in advance, no longer bring her cake, not with her holiday, even see her feel as if it is a kind of burden.

This time the two people in the relationship, are some of the relationship S heart, to be able to improve the relationship no longer have expectations, feel that the communication does not have a solution to their problems, the other side also no longer have expectations. Many relationships are getting worse and worse, have gone through the above similar process, today I want to take you from the man's point of view to see, he went from "do not talk" to "began to nitpick" to "do not care! "What did he go through? And what are the intentions behind these behaviors?

2. A person's behavior often has two intentions: either to protect themselves or to protect the relationship.

Particularly in a marriage, these are the only two dimensions to analyze, whether you are analyzing yourself or the other person. The man's behavior of "not talking", "nitpicking" and "not caring" is more about protecting himself, but instead of protecting himself, these methods hurt the relationship and leave him in the middle of the relationship. But instead of protecting themselves, these methods hurt the relationship and make themselves even more hurt in the relationship. Let's take a look at what is the intention behind these behaviors.

Type 1:Not talking.

Like the beginning of the argument, heard his wife's dissatisfaction with something, the man put forward his own proposal was originally well-intentioned, but was misunderstood by his wife did not stand on their side, and their own explanation in exchange for the other side of the spearhead directly to their own, from the discussion of the incident, turned into the wife's accusation of their own as a person. Such a pattern of communication is always repeated, then in that case, I simply do not say anything, I do not explain, you will not accuse me again, right.

But dealing with the relationship in this way is like putting a door between you, separating yourself from the other person, and no matter how hard the other person knocks on the door, you ignore it. Because of their own explanation, the other party's reaction to make their own more hurt, they have no better way to deal with, so can only use "silence" to protect themselves. But in the face of your silence, the other side does not even realize that you are protecting yourself.

Not only this, the wife will be conceived in the mind of their own interpretation: I am angry into this, you still do not care, not a word, you do not care about me, is not love me? This interpretation makes the wife again to you have a greater dissatisfaction.

The man is even more hurt, think "I say also can not, do not say also can not, in the end you want to let me how to be satisfied", but in the eyes of the other side, he hid into his own room, the other side can not hear him in a quiet voice: "I am hurt", "I'm aggrieved" "I don't want to be blamed", can only knock harder on that door.

Type 2:Pick on the other person.

When the man's shell was cracked by the other side, he had to reveal himself, but the other side of the picking and complaining is like a needle in the ground, constantly stabbing at him. Being stuck and shouting pain more often, with the heart of these dissatisfaction, in the face of each other's complaints, you no longer want to unilaterally take care of the relationship, tolerance of each other, a compromise, he also began to want to let the other party to taste this kind of being accused of being complained about the taste, want to let her feel the pain, to be able to understand what kind of feelings you were in the first place.

You have left wounds on each other's bodies, and you all hope that the other party can see their own wounds and take care of their own feelings, but in this state of conflict, you are concerned about how much they are hurt, and how much the other party has hurt me, and at this time, you're more like the enemy, and there's no way to give each other healing. So this way of protecting yourself fails again, because when you protect yourself, you hurt yourself and you hurt her.

Type 3:Don't care.

In the face of the other side to intensify the pursuit, the husband feels more and more painful, more and more want to escape. He no longer takes the initiative to hit the face, no longer takes the initiative to send the door, and even no longer takes the initiative to speak, withdrawing the emotion in the other person, hoping to tell the other person in this way, "I have lost my patience, and my feelings for you are almost exhausted". When you can use this way to remind each other, it is the same as the husband is holding a knife to each other, cut to your relationship, think as long as you cut off the relationship, I will not be hurt.

His way of protecting himself is tantamount to pushing the relationship farther away step by step. He is in pain and wants the other person to understand him, but the other person is also hurt, and all she can do is stop the bleeding and bandage the wound by herself, and it's hard to take care of the other person's feelings with such a serious wound on her back. At this time both people in the relationship no longer have hope for the relationship, are licking their own wounds, the feelings for each other gradually withdrawn back, this time the marriage is like an empty shell, at any time facing disintegration.

3, a lot of couples like two small hedgehogs, a party in the feeling hurt, they shrunk into a ball, revealing the back full of thorns, think the other side to see their own shrunken up to know that their own hurt.

But the only thing the other side sees is a body full of thorns, and the two people are stabbing each other, and the relationship is getting farther and farther apart. Many people will think that if I have to protect myself, I can't take care of the relationship, I can't do anything but keep compromising and keep backing away, I'm just picking up a knife and fighting against the other person, so I'm either hurting myself or hurting the relationship. In fact, to protect yourself and not hurt the relationship of these two can be **** survival, and **** survival is very important point is: communication.

You need to let the other person understand what your intentions are, rather than letting her conceptualize and guess the meaning behind her behavior, and the other person to understand your intentions, to understand: you are hurt, is the need for me, rather than to hurt me, her sense of crisis will come down, and she can also put the weapon down, not to use the same way to hit you, the smell of gunpowder in your relationship will also come down. The way you get along can also slowly become peaceful.

When you don't need to be in a tight spot, you can see each other's wounds and needs better, and you can take better care of each other's feelings. The right posture to deal with conflict is that we can remind each other when we are accused of wanting to protect ourselves, you do this I am hurt, but also to understand what the other person needs, rather than accumulating a lot of resentment and then hurt each other.